Thursday, September 11, 2008

Coaching's Heaviest Hitters

Many people suggest that coaching football is a young man's business. That with all the hours in the office and studying film and scouting, it can really take a toll on the human body. Luckily for some coaches, they have an ample amount of "body" to handle the rigors of the profession.

As a tribute to those that lost their lives on 9/11 7 years ago, I honor their memory by discussing...really fat head football coaches? You know it. Today, we list or favorite flabby-armed warriors of the sidelines. Now, I know what you're thinking, "hey, asshole, this has been done before" and while that's true, I'm going to expand my search wider than anyone else who has done this before. Why? Because I'm great, that's why. All of the lists in the blogosphere that I've seen have stuck with just the college ranks. I will be looking at the college and professional ranks for my thesis on gluttony.

How this works is that I'll list my favorite rotund football geniuses and judge them based on The Richter Scale (I have no idea if it does, but let's assume that it goes from 1-10). 1 being the number of people that laugh while watching My Wife and Kids and 10 being the Tremors worm (that should have eaten Kevin Bacon) trying to bring down the general store in that one shithole town. Basically, this is my opinion regarding who would cause the largest earthquake if they fell down. Shall we...

Dishonorable Mention: Mike McCarthy (Green Bay) at a 5.9, Phil Fulmer (Tennessee) at a 6.6, and Ralph Friedgen (Maryland) registering a 7.0. Click clack, Ralph.

5. Charlie Weis (Notre Dame)
I still haven't figured out how a guy who had his stomach stapled has managed to pack on at least 20 pounds per year since the surgery. Weis might be the only man who's ego is based entirely in the tire around his waist and that would explain the inflation. Either he's sporting the biggest FUPA known to man or he's got a boner shaped like Stewie Griffin's head. I don't know who or what he's yelling at in this picture but I can guarantee it has nothing to do with lowfat salad dressing. It likely has more to do with him wanting his quarterly cool glass of sausage gravy.
Richter Scale: 7.4 - Make sure to get to a doorway...

4. Romeo Crennel (Cleveland)
When Romeo got hired by the Browns, I was living in Cleveland at the time and Donato's ran this hilarious campaign with him advertising crappy pizza. It was great because Crennel is about as comfortable in front of a camera as Heath Ledger is at staying alive. I get the feeling that Romeo's diet consists of nothing but fried food and more fried food and if you shake his hand, you're covered in chicken grease for at least the next week. And that may not sound bad until everyone you know starts referring to you as "greased-up deaf guy". With a name like Romeo, you would think that he would be some sort of African lothario, but, nope, he's just an orka.
Richter Scale: 7.8 - The tsunami is coming...

3. Mark Mangino (Kansas)
I know that you all want him to be #1 but I'm giving the big lug a break. We all know that he is gigantic but it doesn't help that he's like 4'6". It may not even be his fault. His body is a perfect circle of gellatin. What if he went to Willy Wonka's factory and accidentally ate a blueberry (like Veruca Salt) and took the shape of the fruit? Maybe not a blueberry, probably more like he ate a blimp. I would pay to see Mangino and Rick Majerus sumo wrestle. Not because of the comedy though, but because of my "obese men in thongs" fetish. Rumor has it that Mark has a dynamite recipe for ham-sicles.
Richter Scale: 9.0 - The knight told you not to take the Holy Grail past the seal!

2. Tom Amstutz (Toledo)
One of the lesser known lardo's in the sport, but as a MAC football connossieur, I know him all too well. Toledo Tom has been waddling up and down the sidelines at the Glass Bowl for something like two decades now. And for two decades now, construction crews have had to re-do the foundation each Spring. Toledo Tom likely has a penchant for dumping chili on everything--including himself while bathing. I've seen cows commit suicide at just the mention of his name.
Richter Scale: 9.4 - You know how eggheads say that one day California will break off from the country? It will happen the day that Amstutz falls out of bed.

1. Andy Reid (Philadelphia)
Look at this picture! That is a poster for bad health, bad parenting, and prostate exams. I like to think that the Eagles head man is checking to see if his player's internal temperature is warm enough. You don't want to eat raw human meat. You could die from that! Salmonella is no laughing matter. Reid does a pretty solid job of concealing his mass under those enormous parkas, but wow, what a blob. I was at Pat's in Philly this summer for a cheesesteak and I'm pretty certain that I saw Reid's cot in the kitchen. With a body like that, you almost have to be living in a grease trap. I think one thing is obvious though, his sons weren't dealing diet pills.
Richter Scale: 9.875 - The Rapture is upon us; start asking for forgiveness.

That was...ummm...kind of gross. I actually look forward to going to the gym after work now. I think I mentioned everyone that I wanted to (I really wish that Bill Parcells and his GUNT were still coaching so I could have skewered that overrated sack of blubber), if I missed anyone, let me know.


J Beanie said...

You're wrong about that picture w/ Weis. It has everything to do w/ low fat salad. As in "I told you I didn't want low fat salad dressing. I wanted mayonnaise and I wanted my salad deep fried.

If you look close enough, you'll see a cheeseburger under Romeo's arm. And a full buffet under Mangino's jacket.

Mr. Ace said...

You son of a bitch! Reid and Amstutz numbers 1 & 2, really? I can't help but feel that this is a direct slap in the face. How is Weis not number 1? At least Amstutz can wear his khaki's like a normal human being...unlike Weis who has to hoist them up to his tits.

I can't think of anything else to say except, I hate you!

GMoney said...

Ha, I knew that the Reid thing would piss you off, ace. I totally forgot that you wasted away your college years in Little Detroit.

Beanie, when we try to figure out what Charlie Weis is saying, we all lose. Think about's what he wants.

Russianator said...

Mangino is a planet with legs - while I can understand cutting him a break, I demand that next year her return to his rightful place at number one.

saul hudson said...

You are not going to the gym today!!

Kyle said...

I'm going to write a movie about Teddy Roosevelt and cast Mark Mangino in the William Howard Taft role.