Friday, September 12, 2008
Unless you've been living under Star Jones' ass recently, you know that there is a certain mega-sized football game this Saturday night. No, I'm not talking about Charleston Southern and Miami either (although I can see how you may have been confused). The big Ohio State/USC matchup goes down tomorrow and needless to say, I think it's worthy of it's own preview here. But I'm not going to look at actual aspects of each team that may influence the outcome--it's just not my style. Instead, I've got ten completely unrelated "factors" that will somehow have an impact on The Collision At The Coliseum.
Before we get started, I was listening to the increasingly crappy duo of Mike and Mike this morning and they were calling this game that. That is an awful moniker. Just terrible. Why does everything need a nickname these days anyway? I feel that The Clash of the Criminals makes much more sense. After all, Pete Carroll is a Crip and Jim Tressel performs back alley abortions. Or how about The Obliteration of the Overrated? I'm allowed to use the "O" word today and I'm the only one. If anyone else tries to start that up again, their comments will be deleted (Li'l Strut). Anyway, on with my nonsense:
Mascot - Traveler the horse vs. Brutus Buckeye
Winner - USC. Brutus is creepier than shit and Traveler has a horse cock. I don't like it when people have bigger heads than me, I'm giving this one to Traveler.
Stadium Pseudo-name - The Coliseum vs. The Horseshoe
Winner - USC. Lions ate Christians at another coliseum. Horseshoes are for picnics and the hillbilly olympics. USC gets this one.
Literal Nickname - Trojans vs. Buckeyes
Winner - USC. A warrior is much cooler than a poisonous nut.
Least Obnoxious Song - USC's "Good Play" jingle vs. Hang On Sloopy
Winner - USC. I LOVE it when USC does something good and the band plays their "good play" song. I want it as a ringtone. She-Money is well aware that if Hang On Sloopy is played at our wedding, I will divorce her on the spot.
Alternative Meaning of Nickname - Trojans vs. Buckeyes
Winner - USC again. While the peanut buttery, chocolatey, and parrifin waxy goodness of a buckeye is pretty solid, condoms are much, much better. Getting laid > getting Diabetes.
Comedian Alums - Will Ferrell vs. Richard Lewis
Winner - OSU. I'm giving this to Lewis for his work on Curb and because Ferrell hasn't been funny in well over a year and doesn't appear to be getting his groove back.
Whores - The Song Girls vs. Drunk Chicks At HineyGate
Winner - USC. Come on, not even close. And drunk chicks at HineyGate, if you get on a guy's shoulders, YOU HAVE TO SHOW YOUR TITS! Way too many teases recently...
Most Pompous ESPN NFL Analyst/Former WR - Keyshawn Johnson vs. Cris Carter
Winner - Push. I actually like both of these guys. Maybe it's because Emmitt Smiff sits next to them though.
Most Embarrassing Former QB - Todd Marinovich vs. Art Schlichter
Winner - OSU. Being addicted to drugs is for the truly fucked up. Being addicted to gambling is pathetic. That being said, I like the name Art.
Most Embarrassing Former RB - OJ Simpson vs. Maurice Clarett
Winner - USC. At least OJ had a successful playing and acting career before killing everyone in southern California. Mo-Cla pissed it all away by showing up to Broncos training camp with a bottle of Grey Goose and a couple of those Rambo-style bullet sash's. And I love OJ anyway.
But enough with the pointless insanity which is this blog; what is really going to happen come 11:30 pm on Saturday night? With Beanie Wells being downgraded to doubtful, I just don't see how the Buckeyes score. The Todd Boeckman Statue of Doom appears to get worse and worse by the week. And he may be talented, but I doubt that the immature Terrelle Pryor is ready for this kind of stage yet.
I honestly know nothing about USC's offense except that they lost a lot to the NFL last year and that Marc Sanchez has one of the fastest-healing knees of all time. But I do know that their defense has like 17 first round picks on it. Rey "Something Hawaiian" will prove that he is a better player than "the kid who's dad was in the Legion of Doom and I don't know how to spell his last name". Again, unless Sanchez throws 4 pick-six's, I don't even see this one being that close. Without Beanie, the Buckeyes couldn't even run the ball on The Ohio's for God's sake. And let's not forget that Pete Carroll is a better coach than Jim Tressel (suck on it, you know it's true). USC wins this battle of the defenses/kickers 23-9.
And it's going to be glorious for me. I will be sitting in a room comprised entirely of Ohio State fans and a few Michigan fans (who will embarrass themselves and the "rivalry" by rooting for the Big Ten) just laughing at another national embarrassment for OSU. It's going to be great. And yes, I will be wearing my USC shirt, too. Go Trojans. If you disagree with me about that, we can all agree, go USC Song Girls!