Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The 2008 New York Yankees Obituary

I'm back from my week-plus blogging vacation with sad, sad news today. I'm doing something that has been a long time coming. Many of the haters have known this for awhile (I'm looking at you, Steve Phillips), but it's time to do something that I had hoped I would never have to do. Today, we lay the 2008 New York Yankees to rest.

As a lifelong fan of the greatest franchise in sports history, I'm not really used to doing this. The first 14 years of my life knew this feeling all too well, but I had forgotten how awful it actually tastes. You see, it's been 13 pretty amazing years of being a Yankees fan. From 1995-2007, I got to watch playoff baseball each and every October. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. And on September 2, 2008, I am officially burying my beloved Yankees' playoff hopes for this season (eventhough I technically did it early last week when they lost to Paul Byrd AKA worst pitcher ever).

Obviously, there have been many more "downs" than "ups" this Summer. Our owner and his family are completely incompetent. Injuries played a pretty big part in the downfall, but I won't use that as an excuse. There is no good excuse for having 90% of your team having down years. Instead, I will be eulogizing each player/decision-maker that played a significant role in the team's demise. Almost everyone in the organization has left some sort of bad taste in my mouth over the course of this season and today I'm granting myself carte blanche to pin-point my favorite memories of these underachievers and/or what I can hope for in the future. Without further ado, please allow me to spew some venom...

Edwar Ramirez: The fact that your changeup works only about every other outing still made you one of our (I'm going to be using our, we, and us today, deal with it) best relievers.
Mariano Rivera: I will never be able to figure out how you can be so dominating in save situations but mediocre in tie games.
Jose Veras: Keep getting better because you were one of the few that were very solid this season.
Joba Chamberlain: All I want is for you to find your health and for the idiots that run the team to actually agree on how you should be used.
Mike Mussina: It was a great season and keep drinking from that fountain of youth.
Carl Pavano: Just go away already...I think he went on the DL after reading this post.
Andy Pettitte: I wish that you would have taken better HGH this winter because you sucked this year.
Sidney Ponson: Your wild inconsistency is something that this blogger only dreams of achieving one day.
Darrell Rasner: I've never felt less confident in a starting pitcher than I did with D-Razz.
Chien-Ming Wang: Please learn how to fucking run.
Phil Hughes: Your brief career is mirroring that of Pavano's quite well. It sickens me. And your blog sucks, too.
Ian Kennedy: You should have been Johan Santana...you will always carry that stain.
Jose Molina: I will always remember you for your ability to turn triples into singles.
Jorge Posada: What a great contract that was this past offseason. I will never forgive him and his shitty defense for losing game 2 of the ALDS in 2007. I would rather have my limbs cut off (I get to keep my wang though) than watch him play first base for an entire season.
Ivan Rodriguez: At least you aren't Kyle Farnsworth.
Wilson Betemit: We should have all seen it coming that our offense was going to blow when you were out early in the season because you couldn't see.
Robinson Cano: Rumor has it, he has been hitting up the party scene in New York quite a bit this year. Watching him in the batter's box all season, I guess it's nice that he hit something hard this year.
Jason Giambi: Your mustaches and decent defense were pleasant surprises this year but I will never understand how a professional hitter can't hit the damn ball to left field. That's like if I were to blog without using the letter "a" eventhough no one says that I am banned from using that letter.

Derek Jeter: You should be ashamed. Plain and simple. This is your team and you allowed them to be mediocre. Your defense and "intangibles" were damn near worthless all season.
Alex Rodriguez: Captain Clutch was just amazing this year. 11 double plays in August, negative RBI in the 7-9 innings, and constant bonehead decisions on the field and basepaths has been an inspiration to me. I still love him as a player, but Kaballah and banging geriatrics is clearly detrimental to a baseball player.
Hideki Matsui: Just go back to Japan with your massive collection of porno.
Johnny Damon: You're a nice guy and all, but I've seen dumpster babies with better swings and stronger arms.
Bobby Abreu: You need to go away, NOW. I just loved his zero range in the outfield, the fact that in a contract year, he turned into a lard-o, and his insane ability to end innings by getting thrown out trying to steal. It happened at least once a game.
Melky Cabrera: You should have been Johan Santana as well. Swinging for the fence every at bat and beginning to look like Prince Fielder is always a good way to stay in the league.

Joe Girardi: Unfrozen Caveman Manager will take a lot of the heat for this year, but when it comes down to it, the players fucking sucked all season. You can't really a blame the manager for guys hitting into double plays all the time or giving up leads.
Brian Cashman: We all liked it when he rebuilt the farm system. We all hated it when those kids weren't ready to play. He is still one of the best around, BUT HE SHOULD HAVE TRADED FOR JOHAN SANTANA. Stop looking a terrified raccoon, too.
Hank Steinbrenner: Your insane ramblings has been monumental in my distancing myself from the team. You are completely ignorant. You have no idea how to run the team. You are an embarrassment to your father. You are nothing more than a spoiled rich kid that has no business even running on a treadmill let alone running a franchise. While you are shoveling shit in some Tampa-area horse stable today, may you be kicked in the face by that horse. That horse knows more about baseball than you do anyway.
Yankee Stadium: Thank you for one last great visit this Summer. You deserved a better send-off than this team though.

You know, most people cry at funerals but after writing this, I'm even more pissed at the underachieving of the Yankees. At least more than just a few of these losers will be gone this winter. And while I'm sure all of the other fanbases are really living it up right now and laughing at us, I take solace in knowing that almost all of them are losers EVERY year...not just once in 15 years. So enjoy it now because you know damn well that they won't be gone forever. You know that they will be bringing in a whole slew of free agents this offseason that will likely disappoint as well. It's the circle of life in The Bronx.

So, Fox isn't going to have the Yankees around this October (and with a little luck, they won't have the Red Sox either). Baseball will survive. The Yankees will be back. But as for now, I'm going to need a little help lowering their casket into the ground. I'm sure that most of you will not mind helping me out though. Do you have your favorite shitty Yankees moment from this season? Let's hear it in the comments. I'm just glad that football is back and I don't have to follow these guys again until April. It's good to be back.


flohtingPoint said...

Life long fan of the Yanks? Dont you live in Ohio? You ever pull a LeBron and sport the NY cap to a Cleveland game?

saul hudson said...

G Funk, the Pitt Panthers are 0-1 in the MAC East, do they still win the Big East? (BGSU 27 Pitt 17) Sorry about the sidetrack, but no one really cares much about the Yanks!

GMoney said...

I do live in Ohio. Geography has nothing to do with who you should be a fan of. And I have pulled a Bron.

hudson, you are probably right about the not caring. Pitt is 0-1 in the MAC so they should be heavy favorites to win the Big East.

Anonymous said...

"I do live in Ohio. Geography has nothing to do with who you should be a fan of."

I guess you don't root for America either.

Tony B. said...

G$, speaking of being a fan and not caring about geography:

I was driving to the Sacramento airport yesterday, and I saw a car with three sticker on its back window- NY Yankees, Boston Celtics and Green Bay Packers. It immediately pissed me and off and I felt like the driver must be a douche bag.

I have no problem with your combination of Yankees, Redskins and Cavs (though I can vouch for your longstanding commitment for those teams) but doesn't Yanks, Celtics, and Packers seem like a front running bitch ass combo?

J Beanie said...

Remember the good old days when G$ was lazy and had guest bloggers who didn't talk about the Yankees. Awe, those were the days.

GMoney said...

Don't worry, stinky nuts, this is it for awhile. At least I didn't spend my weekend in West Virginia.

rstiles said...

Great posting....as a Yankees fan, I too am very disappointed