Tuesday, August 12, 2008
It's time to come clean, I lied to myself and all of you as well. I've been Michael Phelps-style screaming about my hatred for the Summer Games since, well, the Sydney Games. But, I'm kind of getting into them now that the build-up is over and the events have started. Now there are a few caveats for what I will watch. Besides basketball, I'm not paying attention to any event in which men participate. And yes, that includes swimming. I just don't care about Phelps. He just seems smug to me...and I think he went to Michigan. Not that that really matters to me but I'm sure he'll be rooting against the RedHawks on September 6th. That being said, I am TOTALLY digging the women's competitions. Maybe it's my schlong talking, but other than the she-men that swim, the American broads have been top notch. Allow me to introduce you to three of the four reasons that I'm watching the Beijing Olympics (the 4th reason being the 3 TV setup in the living room which is conducive to watching this sort of stuff...it is also the reason I kind of got into hockey).
***Kelci Bryant (synchronized diving or whatever the fuck the real name of it is)
This was on on Sunday afternoon and I couldn't turn away. It was mesmerizing. You've got a bunch of teams with two girls of different ethnic backgrounds doing backflips and wearing swimsuits. It's a can't freaking miss! But the best part is, when the girls are done with their dives, the cameras follow them into some showering off area! It is fucking incredible. Obviously, it could be a lot more erotic, but there are very few things in the world better than watching two hot chicks showering together and having a good old-fashioned time enjoying each other's company. Kelci Bryant (pictured being mildly racist) was easily my favorite. Synchronized Diving? I didn't even know that that was a sport.
***Alicia Sacramone (gymnastics)
I'm of the age (and most of you should be, too) where you kind of feel weird watching women's gymnastics during the Olympics. But, if you are a sick pervert like me, you check all of them out and play the game, "Am I Being A Pedophile?" Last night, I was something like 70-5...I need to work on that 5. I really want to get that up to at least 10 by the end of the Olympics. Anyway, my favorite American chick was by far Sacramone (pictured pointing her knockers right at me). After a simple online check, she is 20 years old s owe're cool there. Alicia has the same last name as the great Johnny "Sack" Sacramone, too! She's not built like the average gymast which means she's packing a little junk and actually has decent moon balloons. Now normally, I would hate her seeing that she's from Boston. But knowing that everyone that lives in New England takes it up the ass, it kind of makes me like her even more. Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe she isn't hot. I mean, even Jim Lampley would look hot hugging Bela Karolyi's wife. Shouldn't she be in bed with Martina Navratilova? To sum things up, watching Alicia do the splits will probably make your pants explode in glee and relief and a little bit of sadness.
***Misty May-Treanor (beach volleyball, sweet ass, married to some loser on the Marlins)
Other than the "Redeem Team" (nice name), this is the one person that I am throwing my full support behind (get it, that's a pun!). Even though her partner, Kerry Walsh, is about as disgusting as Star Jones' vagina, I love Misty (pictured pointing to the finest and best-tasting Christmas hams EVER!). And, I'm sure you've seen the pictures online already, but our "President" loves her, too. If She-Money is reading this (doubtful, but if you are here today, ummmmmmm, someone else wrote this post) and we decide to compile one of those Friends-esque "list of 5 people that are freebies", Misty May would easily make mine. And the pooper is all you really need to see anyway. I mean, come on, if you are packing THAT, does it really matter what the rest of it looks like? Due to her awesomeness, volleyball has turned into a can't-miss event for me.
So there, I found a way to enjoy the Olympics. I hope I helped you all, too. And because of the sweet, sweet asses of our female combatants, The Fonz is giving a BIG Thumbs Up to the Beijing Games. But what do I know, The Fonz gives everything a thumbs up.
The Love Guru? EHHHHH!
Thanks, Fonz, once again you've been a big help.