Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sometimes it just feels like the sports Gods are smiling down on you. That they finally punish the undeserving and allow us to wallow in the misfortune that they created. What am I talking about, you ask? Well, Sunday night in Cincinnati, the Gods gave us our comeuppance over a self-involved bag of dicks. And while I normally find it pathetic when fans cheer because a player gets injured, I couldn't help but smile for this one. I haven't been this excited over an injury since Troy Aikman's brain turned to mush thanks to Lavar "10 time NFL leader in stupid offsides penalties" Arrington's shoulder and forearms. Anyway, "Future Hall of Famer" truly does deserve everything that he gets.
This week's BIG Thumbs Up goes to the awesomeness of Brian Kelly of the vaunted Lions Defense for his Sean Taylor-esque shot on Chad Johnson. This Brian Kelly, not the d-bag coach of the UC Bearcats by the way. Although every Brian Kelly in the world should be lining up to lay claim to this carnage:
Dammit, I couldn't find the video on YouTube to embed here so the link will have to do. You'll get over it. I'm a constant disappointment here anyway. It's almost as disappointing as the now defunct starter in my car. Sonsabitches.
Let's due a quick re-cap of Chad Johnson's week:
*Began the process of legally changing his last name to "Ocho Cinco"
Really? He is trying to change his name to fucking "Chad Ocho Cinco"? If I was a Mexican (knock on wood!), I would be pissed that he is associating himself forever with our language. Does anyone think that this guy's antics are even remotely funny anymore? Are the distractions really worth it? How have the Bengals not been contracted already?
*Was serious when he said that he could beat Michael Phelps in a swim-off
According to Chad Ocho Cinco, in his neighrbood growing up, there were numerous kids that were just as good as Phelps but never got the chance to pursue their talents in the pool. I wouldn't be surprised if a swimming Phelps could beat a running Chad. You know, some might think that Chad was just joking around here but if you saw the interview on PTI, he was dead serious. What a fucking idiot. Yeah, that will win you fans: blaming socioeconomic patterns as the reason that Phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time and your buddies aren't. I'm sure that their "work ethic" had nothing to do with it.
*Got jacked the fuck up as part of some cosmic payback to remind him that he really isn't that great
You know, the hit could have been a little harder and much more helmet-to-helmet, but this is Lions Defense that we're talking about and it's almost a miracle if they tackle anyone. Deep down, I wanted to see Chad Ocho Cinco writhing on the ground in pain when, in a WWE-style tactic, Robert Porcher runs on to the field and starts hitting Chad on his hurt shoulder with a steel chair. Then Wayne Fontes could have run out there and pissed on him...but that would only take place in a perfect world.
Again, kudos to you, Brian Kelly (Hell, I'm feeling generous, kudos to the entire LIONS DEFENSE), for doing the Lord's work. I wish that I could give you something better than a contract with the Lions, but unfortunately, you're stuck there. At least you already know that you are one of the most competent people in that entire organization. Oh well, if you play your cards right, The Fonz may hook you up with the Tescadero sisters. But for now at least, you will just have to settle on a double EHHHHH!