Monday, August 04, 2008
Do you remember that episode of The Simpsons where Mr. Burns gets pissed at all of the media outlets for talking smack about him? So instead of changing his image in the public eye, he just buys all of the companies and controls the media in Springfield. It's all Burns, all the time. You can't watch or read anything without a pro-Monty message. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you can't, you either didn't watch TV over the past week or you're illiterate. The Brett Favre saga is destroying sports media more and more each day.
We've talked about this before. I don't like Brett Favre any more. I think he's selfish. I thinks he's overrated. I think that his season last year was a complete fucking fluke. Whatever, you've all read about this here over the past few weeks. But I had a somewhat full docket this weekend so I could not just sit around and focus on sports all weekend. Let me give you a taste of what my weekend was like and how it was ruined:
Friday Night: Get loaded back in Naptown at Rally In The Alley; Wally and the Beavs were great as usual (The band gave this blog a shout-out during their set and I'm in a few of the pictures!). I was shit-faced. I hear that the Yankees lost a 1-0 heartbreaker to the Angels. Even though I'm drunk, I still turn on ESPNews to get a few more details to try and find out where it all went wrong. Nope, no luck, Ed Werder spends twenty minutes explaining what book Brett Favre reads before he goes to sleep. I think it was Harry Potter and The Curse of the QB That Doesn't Know When To Call It Quits. I think he said something about Dumbledore getting raped by Deanna Favre...not sure though.
Saturday Morning/Afternoon: It's a fierce hangover that only 4-5 tall glasses of chocolate milk can cure. Not remembering the ESPNews garbage from the night before, I try to get those highlights again. This time, it's Wendy Nix LIVE from Green Bay saying that there is nothing new going on and she discusses that same nothingness for a good 15 minutes. Meanwhile, Packers fans are trying to eat her sausage fingers. I get so frustrated that I turn on the NFL Network (which rules but luckily we don't get it in Columbus...thanks, Ted Turner!) which is airing a Hard Knocks marathon of the Chiefs. I'll tell you what, 5 straight hours of watching HERM! Edwards coach is just what a man needs to defeat a hangover. I can't wait for the Cowboys version to debut this week...WADE PHILLIPS! And I never found out how the Sidney Ponson/Ervin Santana pitcher's duel unfolded.
Saturday Evening: I finally doze off during the Yankees game and am awaken by Damman who wants to get a quick nine holes in. While I still suffer from the "hangover full body aches", I do what my readers want and I left the Yankees in favor of golf. I get back home at 9 knowing that Mike Mussina won his 14th game but I still wanted to see how it happened. We're back to ESPNews and, lo and behold, we're live in Hattiesburg, Mississippa again for a 45 minute Ed Werder report in which we find out the contents of Brett Favre's Home Depot purchases while watching footage of him throwing passes to some high schoolers. It's riveting stuff. Apparently, Favre practiced throwing interceptions after dinner.
Sunday Morning: Having not seen an actual highlight of any sporting event from the weekend all weekend, I pick up the roommates and we head back to Columbus. I have ESPN Radio on the entire time, assuming that they will be giving us a heavy dose of the NFL Hall Of Fame ceremony or the baseball races or even some pre-Olympics coverage. But noooooooo. It's 2 hours of Brett Favre. The ghosts that haunted my TV all weekend, Werder and Nix, we're each on the god damned radio for TWO segments EACH. The hosts didn't discuss anything other than that Anal Wart. I'm still shaking when I think about it. This overkill has pissed me off so much. What is the harm in talking about the hall of famers? Personally, as a Redskins fan and having listened to Darrell Green's speech, that should have at least warranted 5 minutes of conversation. "I. Be. Long. Here." It almost made me tear up. I love Darrell Green, he's one of the classiest guys in all of sports. And I'm so happy for a true professional like Art Monk finally getting what he deserves. Just because he wasn't flashy or flamboyant does not mean that he isn't deserving for The Hall. You know what the best part of those two is? When they retired, they fucking meant it.
And the worst part about all of this is that last night, I sit down at the computer to enjoy some lovely erotica and, what do you know, here comes Ed Werder popping up out of nowhere to tell me what Brett Favre had at Cracker Barrel that morning right when the one girl is realizing that her best friend is coming on to her. Totally ruined the moment.
And now the Packers are back-pedalling and saying that Favre can win the starting job. Fuck that. The entire state of Wisconsin is one giant deep-fried, vaginal cheese curd.
I hope Favre blows out his knee this week and the government pushes a bill banning sausage and fucking your sheep. Wisconsin would be so screwed. Fuck you and your team, McLimans. I'm GMoney and that is the end of my rant. Now if you don't mind, I would like to blow my brains out now.