Monday, August 18, 2008

Michael Phelps: Too Ugly For Superstardom?



Be on the lookout because the Mark Spitz suicide watch is on full alert for the next 30+ days. If you have a pulse, chances are that you tuned in to watch some of Michael Phelps' (pictured with his dong) amazing efforts in Beijing this past week. Even this blogger, who normally finds swimming about as exciting as actually doing work at the office, was mesmerized by this beast's accomplishments. That was something special. The 100 meter whatever on Friday night was just freaking amazing. And it was really cool to be watching the relay race at a bar on Saturday night and the whole place exploding in cheers when the Americans won. Let me clarify, this was an Ohio State campus bar going nuts over a Wolverine triumph. The kid held America hostage this past week. No matter what you were doing, you put it down to watch him dominate in the water.

The only problem with all of this publicity for The Human Fish is that some jackass like Jeremy Schapp has posed the question that Phelps might be the best athlete of all time in any sport. It's an interesting theory and Phelps sure does have the hardware to back it up, but I just don't think that I could annoint him with that title. It has nothing to do with what sport he plays either. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of swimming and it took a monumental and historical performance to get me interested at all. But when it comes to the greatest and most talented athletes ever, we tend to think of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong and maybe even an Alex Rodriguez. Does Phelps fit into that category? Maybe, but let's dig a little deeper though...and by deeper, I mean, let's get superficial.

Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry was dating that one chick that looked hot on some days and the other days she was a complete mess? I believe that George called her a "Two-Face". You see, I get the same vibe from Michael Phelps. When he is preparing for a race, Phelps looks like a stone cold killer. But as soon as that race is over, he looks more like a dopier version of Tony Kornheiser. And I don't like that version of Phelps. He, too, is a Two-Face and that hurts his credibility with me. Allow me to make my case:



I respect his humility and he looks like a badass with that cap and those goggles on. I never thought that I would think/say that about anybody. He should wear that cap all the time. I also give him props for making one of the losers that raced against him fellate him in the pool in front of everybody. Joe Pesci in Casino would be proud, Michael.



Now here is some intensity. Look at the passion in his eyes and in his nipples. But his abs aren't symmetrical, dammit! He should see some sort of ab doctor about that. That can't be healthy. I'm pretty sure that this photo was taken after he polished off a 10,000 calorie dinner. Because if I ate all the stuff that he apparently eats everyday, this would be the exact same reaction that my colon would make. Wait a minute, maybe he's just trying to scare that black lady behind him. That would make sense...I know that I would want her to leave me alone.



Here we go, Nerd Alert. You know how some people are described as having a "smile that lights up a room"? I guess you could say that Phelps has a smile that results in a city-wide blackout. And it appears that he cuts his own hair. I can't respect that. Nobody goes from awesome to dorky as quickly as our new American hero.



Ah yes, the awkward double hand wave. Save that for the parades down the streets of beautiful Baltimore, buddy. Do you think that when Michael Jordan won a title he was accepting the Finals MVP award while holding onto a bouquet of flowers? I know that it's tradition, but you're Michael fucking Phelps! You don't have to carry roses around; you're a man, dammit! Fuck the Chinese and the IOC. They tried to screw over our gymnasts, dammit.



Isn't this exactly what you hate about American youth? Some dipshit wearing a crooked retro hat all the while looking like an absolute fuckstick? Phelps kind of looks like he could be twin brothers with Tim Lincecum. And Phelps would be the dweeby one. For God's sake, man, go see an orthodontist! Did his mother think that braces were evil or something when he was growing up? Look, everyone loves Joey Chestnut and his hot dog eating ways, but no one wants to have his snaggle-smile.

Do you see what I'm saying? When was the last time that a top-tier, world famous athlete was ugly*? When Michael is competing, he's an absolute badass. But when he's talking to Andrea Kremer and smiling on the podium, I cringe. Because for some reason, no one in his inner circle has advised him to see a dentist yet or advised him on any style at all. An American hero shouldn't look like the cover boy on "The Big Book Of British Smiles". I don't care how many medals or titles a person has won in their life. Ugly people automatically lose a few points in the credibility department in my book (why do I keep talking about books?).

So stop it, mainstream media. Stop the charade and the ridiculous argument that Michael Phelps is the greatest athlete of all time. He's far too pug fugly to accept that award and carry that torch. He's a great athlete and one hell of a competitor, but let's be honest, we're going to forget about him in two weeks anyway. Hell, the one thing that we remember about Spitz was his stellar porn-stache. In 20 years, we may only remember that hideous smile.

*Before you go all crazy accusing me of being jealous of the man's accomplishments, remember that this post was written by the most beautiful blogger on the planet. And I'm TOTALLY jealous about his success and the subsequent copious amounts of ass that he's pulling because of that.

46 comments:

Grumpy said...

And why haven't they hooked him up with some media coaches? His interviews are terrible; his basic answer to every question is "I don't know what to say". Kid needs a charisma infusion.

Anonymous said...

Michael Phelp's pictured with his DONG? I wish!!!!

Anonymous said...

Michael Phelps is NOT a human fish. I am a man. I know what a man looks like. That is no fish with thighs and a girly cutsie expression and those little LIPS! Yuk!

No, this is one hungry piece of MAN. The guy who wrote the piece is straight because any real guy knows that Michael's body is nothing to turn up the nose at. Just sleak musle, ripped, and the most BEAUTIFUL eyes and sweetest smile. I would love to put a letter into that male box.

Tyler

GMoney said...

Tyler/anon, what the hell are you talking about?

Tony B. said...

Wow, G$- looks like you inadvertently tapped into a new demographic...

Anonymous said...

From the post to the comment page, I cannot stop laughing. Thanks.


--the Wig Master

Kyle said...

This is meant completely inoffensively, because your posts regularly crack me up, G$. But that comment is the most hilarious I've read on this or any sports blog.

J Beanie said...

A few things:

- I hate be busy at work and not even writing my own post and getting to your at 1:30 but I had to make the effort.

- I've said all along that Phelps look retarded. My comparison was the Seinfeld episode where that guy thought Kramer was retarded. Phelps and Kramer from the episode look, walk, act and even talk just alike.

- He isn't the best athlete and neither is Tiger Woods. I would say they are the most dominating. You could argue Phelps is even more dominating than Tiger since he doesn't lose. But best athlete I feel is a guy who has to be great at more than one thing.

- Loved the random racist comment. Stupid black people, just stay away.

GMoney said...

Hey, beanie, thanks for showing up. I don't want to have to kill you when you invade central Ohio this weekend...but, I still will. I've got a reputation to keep.

jessegscott said...

Phelps is one of the greatest athletes of all time. He deserves to be mentioned. Now if you talk most Dominating Athlete ever you could make a case for him number 1. Tiger is probably 2.. The difference is Tiger does not win every major or every tournament. Phelps DOES NOT LOSE! when it counts.

Its a great topic of Debate but Phelps deserves to be in the top 5 or 10 of any list of athletes you can think of.

shawn kemp said...

With comments like anon 10:14, I'm definitely going to have to check this blog out on a more regular basis. Is that the kind of insight you usually get from your readers, G$?

As far as the topic is concerned, Phelps is certainly in the conversation. However, I don't see how he cracks the top five.

GMoney said...

WOW, SHAWN KEMP READS MY BLOG!!! How's the Italian poon, Rain Man?

kat. said...

i seriously dont think he is that bad in looks.
your just exaggerating there.
why not dissect every little part of him.gosh.
& why the hell does it even matter what the athletes look like?
its about the talent.he is competing in swimming.not for a modelling contract!

its pretty sad that you can even waste your time in writing how ugly you think he is.
lets see you swim and win eight gold medals.
oh.and dont forget to take your make-up kit with you.

Anonymous said...

"why the hell does it even matter what the athletes look like?
its about the talent."

Explain Alicia Sacramone's popularity. And Nastia Liukin's. And...I'll stop so I don't end up in this territory.

Anonymous said...

ok idk if this is positive or negative but if it's negative fuck you michael phelps is the sexiest man there is end of story.

GMoney said...

Ha, I find this amusing. Like I said, Phelps is great at what he does. But I don't want the face of athletics in America to look like Sloth. I think I heard Phelps say in an interview that he wanted some Rocky Road.

shawn kemp said...

I'm enjoying it immensely G$. Italian women are absolutely beautiful. Earlier tonight I hooked up with a young Sophia Loren lookalike. I'll make sure to send you a birth announcement in late May 2009 so you can post it on your blog...

Anonymous said...

Does no one else think he looks like the missing Manning brother?

Anonymous said...

I think phelps is syndromic.
He looks like a borderline case of acromegaly.

Also, Bolt is clearly the most awesome athlete ever. Either bolt or Steven Bradbury.

Anonymous said...

G$ - I thought your article was spot on! It's so nice to know that someone thinks exactly what I do. Michael has achieved something amazing, nobody can deny that. But looks do matter when one is in the public eye, whether we want to except it or not.

Over the last 2 weeks I have seen hundreds of photos and TV reports on Phelps and out of all of them I have not seen one good shot of him. I want to look away, however his severe oddness just stops me.

The best advice I could give Michael is to read this article and be aware what people are saying, don't let the fame go to your head. Then use some of that ever growing bank account and get jaw and dental realignment surgery. Also have those ears pinned back and hire a stylist. I think Michael can improve significantly, it is a must to survive in the brutal celebrity world.

Kat

Anonymous said...

He's hot. I watched the Olympics with several of my girlfriends and we were all in agreement. The problem is with all the other men out there who don't look like Michael Phelps.

Anonymous said...

His nipples are too close together.

Anonymous said...

Michael Phelps is a FUGLY as they come. Just because you have talent does not make you good looking.

brittany woolley said...

he's a fugly mother f'er

billy hill said...

He has the mid-western micronaphia look (very small chin/jaw proportions) hence, he looks weird and hill billyish, or some form of skeletal dysmorphia. AKA ugly as f--k.

billy hill said...

Perhaps with all the money he is getting from sandwich commercials (plus his dope smoking) he can finally get his snaggle teeth fixed because his jaw is way too small--like a hill billy from the mid-west. Seriously, this guy is very ugly (as an athelete he is fine) but looks sell. And i sure ain't buying, he is gross.

Anonymous said...

don't forget this ugly dude in 2004, only 19 yo, was arrested for driving drunk (DUI). Quite a role model: bong hitting, driving drunk, and cro-magnon looks.

John said...

his very small mouth and chin is disconcerting, nasty looking. definitely a mid western look--inbreeding perhaps. he is dating an oriental, kind of foby looking so we guess perhaps a good match.

Anonymous said...

Hey, dude!! Mind your own business!!!
Have u ever heard of the phrase looks don't matter??????
Anyways, you should look at yourself in the mirror!!!!!!!!!

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John said...

What is this garbage? Michael is beautiful.