Monday, August 18, 2008
Be on the lookout because the Mark Spitz suicide watch is on full alert for the next 30+ days. If you have a pulse, chances are that you tuned in to watch some of Michael Phelps' (pictured with his dong) amazing efforts in Beijing this past week. Even this blogger, who normally finds swimming about as exciting as actually doing work at the office, was mesmerized by this beast's accomplishments. That was something special. The 100 meter whatever on Friday night was just freaking amazing. And it was really cool to be watching the relay race at a bar on Saturday night and the whole place exploding in cheers when the Americans won. Let me clarify, this was an Ohio State campus bar going nuts over a Wolverine triumph. The kid held America hostage this past week. No matter what you were doing, you put it down to watch him dominate in the water.
The only problem with all of this publicity for The Human Fish is that some jackass like Jeremy Schapp has posed the question that Phelps might be the best athlete of all time in any sport. It's an interesting theory and Phelps sure does have the hardware to back it up, but I just don't think that I could annoint him with that title. It has nothing to do with what sport he plays either. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of swimming and it took a monumental and historical performance to get me interested at all. But when it comes to the greatest and most talented athletes ever, we tend to think of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong and maybe even an Alex Rodriguez. Does Phelps fit into that category? Maybe, but let's dig a little deeper though...and by deeper, I mean, let's get superficial.
Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry was dating that one chick that looked hot on some days and the other days she was a complete mess? I believe that George called her a "Two-Face". You see, I get the same vibe from Michael Phelps. When he is preparing for a race, Phelps looks like a stone cold killer. But as soon as that race is over, he looks more like a dopier version of Tony Kornheiser. And I don't like that version of Phelps. He, too, is a Two-Face and that hurts his credibility with me. Allow me to make my case:
I respect his humility and he looks like a badass with that cap and those goggles on. I never thought that I would think/say that about anybody. He should wear that cap all the time. I also give him props for making one of the losers that raced against him fellate him in the pool in front of everybody. Joe Pesci in Casino would be proud, Michael.
Now here is some intensity. Look at the passion in his eyes and in his nipples. But his abs aren't symmetrical, dammit! He should see some sort of ab doctor about that. That can't be healthy. I'm pretty sure that this photo was taken after he polished off a 10,000 calorie dinner. Because if I ate all the stuff that he apparently eats everyday, this would be the exact same reaction that my colon would make. Wait a minute, maybe he's just trying to scare that black lady behind him. That would make sense...I know that I would want her to leave me alone.
Here we go, Nerd Alert. You know how some people are described as having a "smile that lights up a room"? I guess you could say that Phelps has a smile that results in a city-wide blackout. And it appears that he cuts his own hair. I can't respect that. Nobody goes from awesome to dorky as quickly as our new American hero.
Ah yes, the awkward double hand wave. Save that for the parades down the streets of beautiful Baltimore, buddy. Do you think that when Michael Jordan won a title he was accepting the Finals MVP award while holding onto a bouquet of flowers? I know that it's tradition, but you're Michael fucking Phelps! You don't have to carry roses around; you're a man, dammit! Fuck the Chinese and the IOC. They tried to screw over our gymnasts, dammit.
Isn't this exactly what you hate about American youth? Some dipshit wearing a crooked retro hat all the while looking like an absolute fuckstick? Phelps kind of looks like he could be twin brothers with Tim Lincecum. And Phelps would be the dweeby one. For God's sake, man, go see an orthodontist! Did his mother think that braces were evil or something when he was growing up? Look, everyone loves Joey Chestnut and his hot dog eating ways, but no one wants to have his snaggle-smile.
Do you see what I'm saying? When was the last time that a top-tier, world famous athlete was ugly*? When Michael is competing, he's an absolute badass. But when he's talking to Andrea Kremer and smiling on the podium, I cringe. Because for some reason, no one in his inner circle has advised him to see a dentist yet or advised him on any style at all. An American hero shouldn't look like the cover boy on "The Big Book Of British Smiles". I don't care how many medals or titles a person has won in their life. Ugly people automatically lose a few points in the credibility department in my book (why do I keep talking about books?).
So stop it, mainstream media. Stop the charade and the ridiculous argument that Michael Phelps is the greatest athlete of all time. He's far too pug fugly to accept that award and carry that torch. He's a great athlete and one hell of a competitor, but let's be honest, we're going to forget about him in two weeks anyway. Hell, the one thing that we remember about Spitz was his stellar porn-stache. In 20 years, we may only remember that hideous smile.
*Before you go all crazy accusing me of being jealous of the man's accomplishments, remember that this post was written by the most beautiful blogger on the planet. And I'm TOTALLY jealous about his success and the subsequent copious amounts of ass that he's pulling because of that.