Thursday, August 21, 2008
First of all, no sports talk today. The reason being that I've finally realized something that had been bothering me for the past two years. I had thought about it before, but only yesterday did I realize that it was what I had been seeking for my entire life. You see, I pretty much hate going into work everyday (like all Americans should). I used to believe that all my co-workers were just a bunch of bumbling dumbfucks and that that was the reason for my often surly demeanor. I blamed all of them and considered to be one and the same. But that was not true...and now I know it. There is only one person that tries to push me over the edge these days and today I'm going to let you get to know her a little. She's my version of Debbie Downer except that she isn't funny at all and makes Rachel Dratch look like Anna Kournikova.
I hate the twat that I share a cubicle wall with.
I know, I know, we all have that one person at our job that drives us insane and sucks the life out of any situation. It's like Michael on The Office--he isn't funny anymore and ruins everyone's time. My Michael is the cunt on the other side of the wall. Let me give you a laundry list of things that she does that drives me crazy:
1. If I accidentally handle one of her files (do you really think that I'm lining up to do someone else's work?), she immediately will run and tell my boss on me. That leads to the boss coming over and saying, "G$, can you just stick to working your files only?" Fuck that shit, it's like the Soup Nazi dealing with Elaine. If I would have known that the armoire/file was for you, I would have burned the thing.
2. She's one of those broads that constantly talks about her kids. Is there anything more annoying than that. Guess what? THEY AREN'T FUCKING SPECIAL. She will honestly sit with my boss (my cube is between them) and talk about her kids for an hour at a time. All the while I'm just sitting here trying to focus on my masturbating! People can be so rude.
3. A massive rash rendered her worthless for over a week but she still showed up everyday and complained constantly. Listening to someone talk about her skin conditions is the next best thing to Milk of Magnesia if you want to induce vomiting.
4. The aforementioned rash made her hands swell (I'm not kidding, she's that big of a weirdo) which lead to countless complaints of typing difficulties. A giant, hand-swelling rash? Will you marry me?
5. Every fucking morning between 8-9, she will call her house and wake up her husband like she works at a goddamn hotel front desk. Apparently, he has never heard of an alarm clock. This is also followed up by another call to make sure he's up, a call from him in which they fight, and finally a fourth call in which they make up and say that they love each other. It's like me showing up to work at least 5 minutes late no matter the circumstances. Every fucking day...without fail.
6. She owns somewhere between 8-10 cats. There has never been a person that collected cats that wasn't crazy. It's like the Eleanor "Cat Lady" Abernathy from The Simpsons. And you better believe that there is a story behind each and every cat that she has. Chances are, I've heard them all, too.
7. She actually takes No-Doz everyday. I'm not kidding. Were they out of Vivarin or Yellow Jackets? Look, either learn to enjoy coffee or start snorting cocaine if you want to stay awake. Pep pills are so white trash.
8. Finally, she is just flat out disgusting. In appearance, in attitude, in social situations--she sucks at them all. Take for example Tuesday morning, we have a little meeting because one of the guys was quitting. Instead of letting my boss talk about how we would deal with that, she starts the meeting with a recap of a conversation that she had the night before with her neighbor. She is the most selfish person that I have ever met.
I CAN NOT FUCKING STAND THIS WOMAN. Every god damn day I hope that she calls in sick. But you see, there is the rub. The problem with that is is if she's gone, your old buddy G-Funk has to pick up all of her work. That's not fair at all when you think about it. She's the one that sucks.
I would like to thank you for sitting through this rage-induced soapbox today. If you have any hilarious tales of co-worker douchebaggery, feel free to share them in the comments. In closing, I'd like to leave you with a little advice that has helped me to deal with the general annoyances in life that anger up the blood...
"Annoying people: can't live with 'em and they can't pee standing up"--Rube Baker