Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Bela Karolyi feels that this blog is getting hosed by those damn, dirty judges" Edition. Yes. Yes! YESSSSS!!!! That man is magic. And I'm sorry to see he and Rowdy Gaines go away.

***Only 8 more and you qualify for a Troy Aikman Card - During Monday night's demolition of the trendy Browns at the hands of the Super Bowl Champs, Derek Anderson was on the receiving end of a concussion. Welcome to the NFC East, bitch. Now, it's being called minor right now but if you're a Browns fan, you can already see the bad luck sweeping in off of Lake Erie. Last season, the Brownies caught a lot of breaks and captured lightning in a bottle with the success of DA. And it still wasn't good enough to beat out Vince fucking Young for a playoff birth. And if the other night was any indication at all, this team probably isn't as good as the NFL gurus wanted us to believe. The stalwart offensive line from last year was bullied beyond belief by Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora. Their secret weapon, Josh Cribbs, went off wearing a boot. One of their team leaders, Andra Davis, is throwing punches during a preseason game. And those cornerbacks are fucking terrible. They got toasted in one quarter+ of action last night by garbage players; what's going to happen in week one when Romo and T.O come to town? I'm not writing off the Browns (surprise, surprise) because that division is pretty weak and the Steelers schedule is a damn mine field. But they need to come out a little sharper over the next two preseason games just to get some confidence back. 8-8 might be good enough to win the North this season. The Browns are still pretty good and this still is preseason, but if you're going to strap on the pads on MNF, you need to be more focused and game-ready than that.

***Jim Tressel hates the paparazzi, kids as well - Monday evening, the Ohio State football team held a scrimmage that was open to the fans...kind of. Fans were barred from bringing cameras in and would be stoned to death if they asked any player for an autograph. Well, the last part isn't entirely true, Tressel did prohibit autographs but only ate the souls of those that disobeyed. I think he then puked it up and sold it to Milhouse for $5. I'm not certain though. Anyway, back to the point, what is the big fucking deal here? First of all, the only people that go to practices and scrimmages are fucking losers with nothing better to do (did you see Todd's Boeckman form during his jumping jacks...AMAZING!) but they also happen to be some of the biggest fans. And Tress rewards them by completely ignoring them? That doesn't sound right. What's the big deal if a dad wants to get a picture of his kids at the stadium? Or when the players are done with practice, why can't they sign a few big foam fingers for some little bastard? Wait a minute--got it--Tress wants his players to be incredibly focused...on getting embarrassed on the big stage for the third year in a row. ZING! Not even remotely funny but sometimes the truth makes for the best punchline.

***Go back into hiding, teenage girls of Cincinnati - The Bengals have resigned Chris Henry proving that they really might be the worst run organization in the world. Even worse than the IOC. Let's remember that when they cut him earlier this Summer, they organization said that it is in a "Win NOW" situation in Cincy and the only way to do that was to get rid of the trash. I get that, it's actually commendable. Soooooo exactly why was Henry brought back into the fold again? Did the team decide to go with a "Lose Now" approach? And although TJ and Ocho Pricko are a bit dinged up at the moment, HE CAN'T PLAY UNTIL AT LEAST WEEK 5! The Bengals are a fucking joke. If LA wants a team back, I recommend taking the Bengals. Mike Brown has no clue and clearly Carson Palmer hates Ohio anyway. Go ahead, Los Angeles, you can have them. Chris Henry would probably have more fun with the teenage broads out there.

***"Pavano" is Italian for "get the golf clubs out" - Oh yeah! It's looking like Saturday will be the triumphant return to Yankee Stadium for one Mr. Carl Pavano! Barring some miraculous winning streak that no one can see possibly happening, this is probably the final nail in the coffin for my Yankees. The one guy that pretty much defines how inept the Yankees have been over the past few seasons, is coming back for one last booing. I really don't know what else to say besides the fact that this season has just been one gigantic sigh. Nothing surprises me anymore. Even Brian Cashman going to the pet cemetery and digging up Fredo the bird, I mean, Pavano doesn't shock me. Carl Pavano...say it with me, CARL PAVANO. Ugh, I hate baseball.

***The cops had to have been chasing him - Eventhough swimming and gymnastics are over, track and field is still going on in Beijing. And we have a new fastest man on the planet who goes by the name of Usain Bolt. Track is different from the previous sports mentioned because there is no chance in hell that I will get engrossed in it. Not everyone can swim or do backflips, but everybody can run. Anyway, Bolt is kind of a prick with his showboating and whatnot. Who really cares though, the guy is from Jamaica and if my stereotypes are correct, and they usually are, he will spend the rest of his days smoking pot, drinking Red Stripe, and stealing the wallets of tourists. So let the thief have his gold's just going to get stolen anyway.

***Why don't you go back to your home on No-Boob Island - Sad news to all 20-30 something males...Kelly Bundy has had both of her jugs removed due to breast cancer in one, prevention for the other. Man, that kind of sucks. Definitely for her but what about all of us that grew up loving Kelly Bundy? I grew up with those bouncy delights. Now, at least until she gets some implants (she said that she would), Kelly looks like a Chinese gymnast. And that makes my wee-wee unhappy. She deserves a good string of luck though. I wish her the best with her show, Samantha Why Is This On The Air Still, and her battle to defeat cancer permanently. I just hope that when she gets her silicone put in, she goes to a qualified professional and not Dr. Chim Richelds.

Alright, that's enough for today. I've got two more posts until a massive blogging vacation. As I mentioned before, don't fret, we've got a whole slew of guest posts lined up for next week. I mean, they will suck compared to my daily sicktitude, but give some of my most dedicated readers/commenters a break. They don't have their own blogs and this is a chance for them to feel like they've made a difference in this world. They won't, but it would be a nice gesture until Big Daddy (not Paul Keels) gets back.


Anonymous said...

A.) The losers that get autographs and then sell them on EBay to bigger losers are the reason that the long ass autograph session was taken away.

B.) This open night practice in the Horseshoe didn't even exist until two years ago, so people shouldn't bitch about whatever rules they have to abide by if they feel like going.

C.) Pavano would suck in the Little League World Series.


J Beanie said...

Bolt is sweet. If he was from America, he'd be bigger than Michael Phelps. How can you not love a guy who shows off before he even finishes the race? Just plain sweet.

If the Bengals are smart, and we know they aren't, maybe they could try to work a trade Chad for Boldin straight up. Both guys want out of where they are and Boldin actually is good and can play and won't rape 15 year old girls like Henry.

GMoney said...

Drew, than just do it for the kids and hope that it is legit. If you are going to have an open practice for the public, than you should at least acknowledge their existence. If you don't want to, don't invite them.

Beanie, that trade would make too much sense for two of the worst franchises in sports.

Pavano is hurt again!

Upstate Underdog said...

Pavano pitching is not a good sign. the season will officially be over when Victor Zambrano makes a start for the Yankees

Tony B. said...

Pavano has been hurt more than OJ Simpson in the first Naked Gun movie.


Kelly Bundy was my favorite Chicago themed TV show slut.

#2 is the head nurse from the first couple seasons of ER.

Kyle said...

I give props to Kelly Bundy, one of those rare child stars who isn't totally fucked up by the time they're 25. I guess the key is to play a fucked up kid as a kid.