Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "even the Spaniards enjoy making fun of the Chinese" Edition. Pau Gasol better hope that the slant-eyes' rebuttal isn't mentioning how fucking rotten he was in the Finals this year.

***Byrd Shit is always the flavor of the day at Fenway - Although the MLB trade deadline has long since passed, trades are still allowed to take place for some reason. And you better believe that God awful players are still on the move. Paul "Pituitary Gland" Byrdshit goes to Faggotville, MA. Freddy Garcia's corpse heads to Detroit. Adam Dunn and his army of K's are on the way to the desert. What does this all mean? Well, I still have no idea how Byrd gets anyone out. If someone told me that they would kill me unless I get a hit off of any MLB pitcher of my choice, I would choose Byrdshit every time. It's pretty clear that Garcia isn't ready to pitch at a high level yet and is just using the Tigers as an audition for the offseason free agent market. I've always like Garcia though, maybe it's because he looks like The Rock. I actually like the Dunn trade. Arizona didn't give up much to get the league leader in home runs. Yes, he strikes out a lot but so do the rest of the D-Backs and none of them have the power of The Big Donkey. I guess what Dunn is probably saying right now is, "suck my donkey dick, JP Ricciardi". Who am I kidding, none of these additions are going to shit for their new teams...unless they are looking for HGH in Boston.

***The Meadowlands hates good times, jugs - Apparently, there is somewhat of a problem during Giants and Jets home games in the God awful state of New Jersey. Yep, too many drunk chicks flash their tits at the refridgerator repairman and construction workers that keep screaming at them to do so. The terrorists that run the stadium are trying to change that only allowing 5 hours of pregame tailgating as opposed to the usual 7. Just because you won't let them into the parking lot until 8 am for a 1 pm game doesn't mean that they won't be pounding beers before the gates open anyway. It's like taking little boys away from a pedophile and replacing them with teenage gays off the diving team: it may not be ideal, but he's going to find a way to get his rocks off in somebody's ass. Why do all of my jokes revolve around the destroyed youth of little kids? I should probably go see a therapist...or at least check out a NAMBLA meeting. Those two options are pretty much the same thing anyway, right?

***They can't even win when things are fixed in their favor - I think that I've finally fallen off the Yankees bandwagon for good. Even when all the breaks are going their way, they still can't score a fucking run off some shitstain named Glenn Perkins. Let's backtrack for a second, the one player in the division that freaking owns them, Manny, gets dealt for some worthless Canuck. The first place team in the East loses two all-stars from their lineup in less than a week. But what happened...the road trip from Hell. I've never seen a team hit into so many back-breaking double plays in my life (thank you, Derek Jeter). No one is hitting. The starting pitching other than Moose has been an abortion. The young arms in the 'pen are finally showing their age and are about as effective as Fernando Rodney. And the one thing that I had always looked forward to, a Joba start, has been taken away from me for the time being. There are no excuses that are justifiable to me to describe this team's shortcomings. Injuries happen and you have to deal with them. The fact is, this is the least clutch team that I've ever seen in my life. Now, who knows (Beanie knows and will be quick to bring up my bandwagon hopping), if they rip off another 7-8 game winning streak once they get home, I'll be pounding my chest again. But right now, my chest has a gaping hole in it. The 15th 6-4-3 double play that Jeter hit into this week ripped my heart out. Bastards.

***Toledo has the worst athletic department/fattest head football coach ever- What the hell is going on with the Rockets? After Scooter McDougle was busted for fixing football games for some Iraqi in Detroit, Sammy Villegas was busted for doing the same thing in hoops. The career paths of McDougle and Villegas are actually interesting seeing that they were both at their best in their first two years but sucked when they were upper classmen. But you don't care about them so why should I speak of them further? Basically, when you have shady Iraqi's calling your players, you probably should get a tighter grip on your team. What a joke that athletic department has become (except for you, Coach Eberle!). It kind of makes me wonder what the NCAA is going to do with the Rockets. I mean, they have to do something, don't they? If point shaving happens once, it's an isolated incident. If it happens twice, that's a freaking trend. The problem is that the NCAA keeps sending investigators to Toledo to look into this but Toledo Tom Amstutz just keeps eating them. But it makes sense when you consider that he's banned from all of the campus dining halls.

***Joey and Dan (and Dan's ma!) have to be very proud - I'm really with the times getting to this on Wednesday, but Paddy Harrington won the Wanamaker Trophy this weekend over Choker Garcia and Ben Curtis. Unlike The Open, this non-Tiger tourney was actually pretty sweet to watch. Sergio is doing a fantastic job turning into a right-handed Phil-do. There was no damn need to go for the pin on 16, ya dumbass. And you just knew that Ben Curtis wouldn't win. How many times have you seen anyone in a Lions hat hold up a trophy? Never, it's never happened. If Wayne Fontes couldn't do it, Curtis wasn't going to. How awesome would it be to have the NFL sponsor you though? But back to Paddy, is there any doubt that he's the 2nd best player in the world? He is FAR better than Phil is right now. And those wild fist pumps on 18 gave me a pretty good chuckle. And due to his Irish heritage, you just know that he would be a blast to go out drinking with. In short, for one weekend we didn't need no stinkin' Tiger.

***He's got to be a better cover corner than Jason David - For some reason, Kenny Chesney suited up and practiced with the Saints this week. I shit you not. I'm sick of hearing about this stuff. Just because these hayseeds have money, they are allowed to waste everyone's time out at practice? Bullshit. Remember when lardo Garth Brooks played with the Padres or Billy Crystal with the Yankees? It was fucking gay. It served no purpose. But I like to think that Chesney was different. I want to believe that he did all the things that the Saints do everyday: make Jeremy Shockey look like a bitch, throw out a few "floating dead black people" jokes, and lick Drew Brees's hairy mole. Because this is the NFL, ya hick, you do things our way.

OK, I'm out. I wrote this before the "Phelps-fest" last night. If he won, congratulations, dork. If he lost, you have a weird jaw structure and kind of look like a caveman while sounding almost exactly like Nate-dogg Minnick so you don't deserve to be immortalized. I however, with this website, will always be immortal. Eh, who am I kidding, I fucking suck.


Upstate Underdog said...

G$, I too am sick to my stomach over this road trip. Thanks God they bailed out Mo last night.

Matt said...

What fair-weathered fandom. No wonder you bristle at the OSU fans around you. One little bad road trip and you're off the team bus? One little road trip while the teams in front of you are trying to give you the division? If I were you, I wouldn't be worried at all. Besides, didn't you hear what Lil Stein said about signing Sabathia, Sheets and every other top free agent pitcher? It's another dynasty in the making.

Kyle said...

Coulda used more pedophilia jokes.

Am I the only person who thinks Cowgirl looks like a cosmetically enhanced elf?

GMoney said...

I respect Sterger for her willingness to be photographed nude, but her journalistic "prowess" is God awful.

Anonymous said...

Who is Nate-dogg Minnick?