Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?" Edition.

***Awww, how cute, he's being himself! - Manny Ramirez (pictured showing his support for Mike Utley and that has been about my tenth Utley reference this month for me), fresh off of his Vince Carter impression in Boston, has been tearing it up ever since joining the inferior circuit last week. As I've said before, I've always liked Manny. Yes, he's a goofball but he's the good kind of crazy. What makes me smile is the fact that Red Sox Nation of Pedophiles is likely pissed to see him running out ground balls and showing general hustle. I love it. So soon do those fuckers forget that they enabled Manny for almost a decade. They were a big part of the reason that he got away with all of his wacky antics. That Nation laughed at him and defended him and never frowned upon his bizarre actions. Yet, they will forget that. They wanted him out of town and now probably feel that Manny is a Latin version of Jack Parkman. Well, fuck you people, you built up that monster. It's absolutely your fault that Manny is the way that he is. You never called him out until it was too late. Dick joke!

***John Harbaugh is already a dead man walking - Ugh, it appears that we are already well on our way to seeing another shitty year of QB play in the NFL this season. For some unknown reason, Kyle Boller has been named the starter in Baltimore. Either Shaun Hill or Alex Smith will start in San Fran. Tony Romo is in Dallas. Josh McCown is the starter in Miami. And Derek Anderson is the tentative "man" in Cleveland. God dammit. I hate watching awful QB play. Every year, you hope that it will change but you know damn well that it's going to be like last year and the year before that and so on. Remember when Brock Berlin and Vinnie Testicles were starters last season? Yeah, that was fun. This is the reason why coaches get fired...half of the QB's in the league suck balls.

***It's not his fault, it was the meat lust - What the hell is going on in baseball this week? First, you had the Royals going crazy because some douche with a pussy arm is throwing inside on a crappy catcher. Then, we have Prince Fielder going nuts on a teammate. As far as the White Sox go, that pitcher who gave the back of the neck love tap should be deported. Or go watch a Kyle Farnsworth video. And as far as the Brew Crew go...that team is imploding again. Much like they did last year, they are caving under the pressure of a pennant race. I mean, we all get edgy when we are in Cincinnati due to the tendency of their cops always shooting at minorities (that happened like 6 years ago when I was in college but I'm sticking with the stereotype! Rich Apuzzo!), but rumbling in the dugout with your teammate probably isn't the best way to deal with that. Prince Fielder may be a vegetarian, but that doesn't mean that he hasn't stopped eating snow tires or any other type of vulcanized rubber.



***It doesn't matter, they suck with or without him - Panthers WR Steve Smith has been suspended for the first two games, by the team, for basically being an awful teammate. Take a look at that picture. It's a Reebok ad with Smith throwing a punch for some reason. Wow, nice foreshadowing to what he would be doing to Ken Lucas during two-a-days. The Panthers are a 6 win team regardless but the fantasy implications are interesting. Smith was likely a late 3rd rounder anyway, but how far does he slide now? He probably won't go in the first 4 rounds, but I'd hop on him quickly at the top of the 5th. Because Steve Smith attends my draft every year and I don't want a broken nose. If there are two things that he hates in this world, it's physical cornerback play in practice and watching his fantasy football draft stock slide.

***You would think that an Oakland near Detroit would be the worst place ever - This seems like as good a time as ever to predict a winner for this weekend's PGA Championship LIVE from Michigan. I'll leave it to commenter Drew to indulge us on how sick of a course Oakland Hills is. Anyway, I've been relatively solid with my golf major predictions this year. Who do I like in Detroit though??? Hmmm, I'll pick Jim Furyk and Kenny Perry. Why, you ask? Why the fuck not? I would have taken once frequent and now seldom commenter, Damman, had he been asked to play this week (the guy has been nails the last three times that we've played). The (Dut) Wannemacher Trophy ain't leaving our soil, dammit. Although d-bag Buckeye, Alex Boone, has made it a point to hate this country, I will always support that stars and stripes. DON'T TREAD ON ME! Lee Greenwood!

***LeBron doesn't even like baklava...I hope - SI is reporting that the same team from Greece that stole Josh Childress away from the Hawks, may be thinking of going after LeBron in 2 years. Rumor has it that they could offer, since they have no salary cap over there, between 40-50 million PER SEASON for his King-ly services. And I just read that LeBron finds this option a little bit interesting. Oh come on, I have enough to worry about as far as my Cavaliers go, I don't need to lose sleep over Our King leaving us to devour goat meat in Crete. That's a ton of scratch though and, while you leave the best league in the world, it may be better playing over there than wearing a Knicks jersey, living in Brooklyn, or playing for a team run by Danny Ferry. Fuck that, if I have to go over there and burn down the Parthenon to prove my loyalty to Bron Bron, I fucking will. Or I'll just order a few gyros...whichever one is easier.



***Maybe I'm just getting too old/less creepy - I guess the Teen Choice Awards were broadcast on Monday night. Teenagers are fucking idiots, why do they get to give out awards anyway? Miley Cyrus hosted the event (I think). I don't understand her appeal at all. Her racy photos (open your eyes, jackass, it's to the left) are gross. Her lips look like a beat-up vagina. She has a show on some channel that only dumbasses watch. Her dad sang Achy Breaky Heart. Her dad is the star of "Doc". Her dad is Billy Ray fucking Cyrus! I can't say that enough. And I can only imagine that all of her songs are about kittens and long division and how boys are icky. You just know that she's going to have a massive coke problem by the time she's 18...like twice as bad as the Lohan and Spears debacle. Can someone help me out on this, what is so damn special about this little whore??? I'm sure my vast audience of pedophiles can give me a bit of assistance here on this topic. She's just disgusting. Now the new Jolie-Pitt twins...RAWR!

I think we'll stop there. I really can't top a "baby rape" joke, can I? Now take off, you hosers, and start tailgating for the awesomeness known as Hard Knocks tonight on HBO. I'm going to order up some gyros stuffed with baby meat.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is it really baby rape if the Pitt-Jolie twins said they wanted it? I didn't think so.

As for the golf course....it is sick. Oakland Hills is less than five minutes away from my house...of is it my parent's house since I haven't lived there since I was 18? I don't know how that works now. Anyways....I went to the U.S. Open there back in the 1990's and The Ryder Cup when it was there in 2004. Golf people seem to rank it as a top 20 course in the country, so it's gotta be good right?

I'm going with Anythony Kim to win it. I don't know why...but I'm sticking with it.

--Drew

J Beanie said...

Did you know only one person can win a golf tournament? Way to be fearless and pick two players. Solid.

LBJ isn't going to Greece. No way, no how. There's a better chance Kobe not getting away with rape than there is of LeBron going to Greece.

Of course Prince Fielder is a pissed of man with a short temper. He hasn't ate meat in like a year. I bet all Parra said was "I can't wait to go eat a steak after the game" or "Prince, if you hit a home run, I'll take you out of a big steak dinner... oh, that's right, you don't eat meat. How about just a salad bar then?"

GMoney said...

Thanks for proofreading for me, guy that writes like a 3rd grader.

LeBron may go to Greece because Mike Bramos is of Greek descent...

Anonymous said...

Cinci PD shot up the minorities back in the spring of '01 (over seven years ago), you are really showing your age.


--the Wig Master

rstiles said...

You are right on the money about Miley...she will turn into some crack smoking whore