Monday, August 11, 2008
On this day, August 11th, 55 years ago, an American icon was born. The man, the myth, and the legend of Hulk Hogan was brought into this world. Hogan has transformed himself from a bizarre and insanely popular wrestling icon to a fanny-pack wearing, pop culture mainstay over the past decade. It was a tough call because today is also the birthday of Melky Cabrera and the great Lee Suggs, but we figured that we would honor Hulkamania instead. I managed to blow the right people to score an interview with the aforementioned legend. If you can't tell that it's fake, you are a moron. But let's just sit back and enjoy how crazy that I can make Hulk Hogan sound, eh?
G$: First of all, Hulkster, happy birthday!
Hulk: Thanks, brother. I should let you know that the only reason I agreed to this is because I heard through the wrestling grapevine that you once showed up to a WCW event with a Hollywood Hogan-esque eye black-colored beard. Thanks for that support even though I would never even consider showing up in Toledo.
G$: You know your G$ history, but clearly, I was a dumbass back then. Growing up, you were always a favorite of mine. Your persona was definitely larger than life. And that was a good thing because in the ring, you really sucked. How do you explain sustaining your immense popularity with the fans for decades all the while the only moves that you could ever execute were a punch, kick, and atomic leg drop?
Hulk: What you need to do, dude, to be an entertainer is to give the masses what they want. They don't want to see idiots doing backflips and jumping through tables. They want to see a pumped up steroid-ridden freak who supports America and flexes after his matches for upwards of ten minutes. Because wrestling fans are morons, you see, brother. As long as your opponent is anti-USA, they are on your side no matter how limited you are in the ring. The mustache is also very important to the Hulk Hogan mystique. People are praising Jason Giambi, who was the nicest guy that I ever met at the BALCO lab, for his 'stache, but Hulkamania has been bringing the lip fur forever. And about my leg drop, I have still yet to meet a man that could stand the pain from that death blow, dude.
G$: Any chance of another comeback? You know, kind of like giving yourself a 55th birthday present by putting on the old tights and giving it another go?
Hulk: Well, if you haven't noticed, brother, my family has about as much talent as Justin Guarini. With my marriage in shambles, my son getting raped behind bars, and my daughter being mind-numbingly retarded, I may need to step back in there at some point soon just to pay the bills. Because I sure as shit ain't selling near enough of the Hulk Hogan Grills that I thought that I would. And all of these bandanas and feathered boas don't pay for themselves.
G$: Your son is in jail for almost killing his friend due to his shitty driving. You keep trying to get him out. I understand that a parent has to protect his children, but your son is a giant douche that could probably learn a lot by serving some time. Thoughts?
Hulk: Nick is sweet and innocent boy. He made a mistake and someone got hurt. But I don't see how this could possibly be his fault, brother. I mean, this is what is wrong with America. Two kids go out on a joyride in a car that they shouldn't be driving in. They get into an accident and the passenger turns into a vegetable. And for some reason, the courts want to blame the driver! It's madness. It just breaks my heart to see young Nick paying for a crime that he didn't commit!
G$: Interesting take, I would love to live in your world for a day. Your wife, Linda, has recently left you and you two are in the midst of a likely ugly divorce process. Is there any thing that you would like to get off of your chest regarding your soon to be ex?
Hulk: Can you believe that? I give that woman that most ridiculous set of fake tits ever and this is how she repays me? I hear that she's fucking some twenty year old now. Well, the joke is on her because I'm banging him, too! And my daughter's best friend! It was true in wrestling and it remains true today: NO ONE one-ups the Hulkster, brother! You take a shot at me, I'm coming back with fists of fury and more than prepared to drop some atomic penis drops on a barely legal slut. I just wish that I could take those jugs back from Linda...bitch.
G$: Mmmmm, fake jugs. I've mentioned before that I could go either way when it comes to your daughter. Some days, she looks pretty damn hot. Other days, she looks like a female version of you and that is not a compliment. Rumor has it that Hef has been inquiring about a potential Playboy shoot. Considering that her singing career is bunk and that it's hard to live off of the sales of 4 albums, is she going to pose nude? Also, we've all seen the pics of you rubbing lotion on her ass, did you sneak a finger in the snizz like any other good American would do?
Hulk: My daughter is the sexiest and most talented young woman in the world. But I will kill any man that touches her other than myself. I am dead serious. My daughter will go through her entire life without seeing another man's penis. I will make sure of it. And if that means that when she wants to have kids, dad has to step up, then you damn sure know that I'll be hitting that ass until she gets knocked up. Because there is no other cock in the world worthy of Brooke's gash than my own 24 inch python, dude. The only time she poses nude is for me and my son and it will stay that way.
G$: I admit, I've watched a few episodes of Brooke Knows Best and haven't killed myself yet. You gave her and her fantastically gay roommate a cardboard cut-out of yourself as a house-warming gift. Is that the greatest gift that you could possibly give someone?
Hulk: That is a damn fine gift, isn't it, brother? There are many other great gifts though that you can get for the one's that you love. Like you, for example, G$; I know that you are getting married soon. I might be inclined to send you a Hulk Hogan Grill or a Hulk Hogan Pasta Maker or a case of Hulk Hogan endorsed energy feces/drink. But if you want one of those cutouts, all you have to do is bust my son out of jail.
G$: That's a pretty steep price, I'd settle for a coffee machine. I also watch American Gladiators every week for reasons that I'm not entirely sure about. I've got the DVR down to a science where I don't listen to you or Layla Ali interview the contenders at all. Needless to say, I can get through an entire episode in about 15 minutes. That being said, how hard is it not to kill the annoying Ali? And how awesome is Wolf in person? Is Titan as gay as he looks? Does Crush put out?
Hulk: Not a minute goes by in which I think about letting Layla live. I want to kill her 24/7. I would rather have Parkinson's like her father than spend more than 3 minutes talking to her, dude. Brother, Wolf is the scariest brother on the planet, brother dude. The guys has fangs. You can really tell that when he was younger, he took his vitamins, trained hard, and said his prayers. Titan is not gay...but the guys that he brings into the locker room to suck his dong sure are. As far as Crush goes, G$, she is a virgin but asked for your number because she is ready to be deflowered. Let me get you laid, dude!
G$: We'll talk about the Crush/sex slave trade in a minute. Let's just say that I'm extremely interested and would let her kick the shit out of me just to see her do that little ass shake thing that she does after Joust. Anyway Hulkster, I want to thank you again for taking some time on your birthday to grant me this interview. Is there anything else that you would like to say before we part ways?
Hulk: G$, this was one hell of a time today and I thank you for the happy birthday wishes. Before I go, I would just like to scream, WHAT'CHA GONNA DO WHEN THIS BLOG RUNS WILD ON YOU?
G$: You're the best.
Happy Birthday, Terry Bollea, you truly are a Real American. Fight for the rights of every man. Fight for what's right, FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!