Friday, August 29, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 5

We're closing out guest post week here in style. Today, we are joined by The Wobbler who comments as "Dustin" or "CumSlurper14". Wobbler is of a rare breed that roots for the Detroit Tigers and the Browns. I know that I don't root for a "city" seeing as my teams are spread out, but those two poverty-ridden city's hate each other. Bizarre. Anyway, a little background on The Wobbler: The PGA Champion receives a trophy (pictured with a smelly Vijay) that was named after him, he was kicked out of Bowling Green for having sex with the Freddy Falcon costume, and his father looks like a dead ringer for one of the guy's on Bill Swerski and the Super Fans. I apologize, Wobbler, for I am placing my picks at the end of each of yours only because I need to get them in just so they are on the record. Fuck you, you'll deal with it. You know that you want to sit next to me again at the Draft on Sunday. Take us to the weekend, Dustin (and G$)...

Wobbler's Top 5 (no jokes, just my picks so we can laugh at them later):
1. Ohio State - HOMER ALERT!!!- Yes, I am a Buckeye fan. That being said, it would be hard for even a Buckeye hater not to put them in the top 5. Nobody else in the country has as much talent returning (that I know of, and if I don't know of them, they're irrelevant). Most of them have multiple BCS Championship game experience. They have the best running back in the nation. They have 2 of the top 5 linebackers in the nation (RedHawks have the other 3!). They have a top 3 cornerback in the nation. Their defense should be among the best, although I am skeptical because of their performances against good teams. If the defense takes it in the ass again in big games, it might be time for Mr. Heacock to go. There is no way a team with that much talent should get pummeled. Enough with my rant... talent+experience+Heisman candidate+Tressel+HOMER= OSU #1.

2. Florida - I hate Florida. But I hate them because they're good. Michigan showed how to slow down their offense: pick their play in Tecmo Superbowl (blitz Tebow). I am not completely sold on Tebow's throwing skills, so I would once again expect to see a lot of blitzing this season. I don't get to see a whole lot of Florida games because I live in the North, and I'm not a hillbilly. But what I have seen has been great. They will score a lot of points. Tebow and 'Oh Mercy' Percy Harvin could easily finish in the top 5 of the Heisman race (but they won't win).

3. US & C - They have so much talent that their 3rd string and practice squad could win the Big East (I guess that's not saying much). Mark 'Dirty' Sanchez (that's just too easy) may be out to start the season, but does it really matter? I think I could run that offense. All I'd have to do is hand it to one of their ten 5 star RBs, and occasionally pick apart the defense with my golden arm. How hard could that be? There is no denying their talent...but their experience is what may hurt them. (Editor's question: what the hell do you mean with US & C?)

4. Georgia - They return a lot of their defense. Knowshon Moreno is a stud. They finished last season on a tear. If they can figure out how not to get blown out at home by Tennessee they should be up there.

5. Bowling Green Falcons - I went there, this is my blog, so shut up (That's my best G$ impression). I can't think of another deserving team right now. Clemson? I just don't know about them. I am a fan of the Thunder and Lightning, and their stadium is sweet, but it just seems like every year they're suppose to do something special, and they never do. Oklahoma? They're ugly. BGSU returns a lot of starters, and some are picking them to win the MAC. Some of the players were even taggin' my ex-woman's roommate. What's not to love? (Editor, that was fantastic and the kind of journalistic integrity that I like to see)
(G$'s 1-5: Florida, USC, Georgia, Oklahomo, Texas Tech)

Most overrated team:
Kansas and Missouri - Mark Mangino is fat. Chase Daniel likes boys. Both of these teams benefitted by playing a weak schedule. Kansas gets to try and show that they're not overrated this season by playing South Florida, Texas, and Oklahoma. I'll be a believer if they can win those games.
(G$'s: Clemson)

Most underrated:
The Big 10 Conference - SEC gets all the love right now. Some is deserved, but many of their fans believe they could compete with the NFL. The Big 10 is .500 against the SEC in bowl games the last 5 years. Last year was a down year for the Big 10. This year, there are quite a few teams on the rise and here is why...
Penn State - Anthony Morelli is no longer QB
Wisconsin - more experienced
Michigan State - Mark Dantonio is their coach.
Illinois - probably won't do what they did last year, but they are still solid. Michigan blows.
(G$'s: Kansas)

This year's Kansas:
Michigan State - They lost a lot of close games last season. Brian Hoyer is back (is that a good thing?), and Javon Ringer is a stud. They should be able to score, and if their defense can slow people down, they'll 'come out of nowhere'. They need to figure out how to replace last year's D-line, but with Dantonio's defensive mind, it shouldn't be a problem.
(G$'s: ummmm, the RedHawks? Pitt, too)

The first coach fired:
Charlie Weis (pictured) - he won't get fired. He'll eat himself to death. I've been wanting to use that picture for months.
(G$: Kirk Ferentz)

3 bold predictions (something that shows some balls)
*Michigan ends bowl streak - I guess I may be a little biased because I like Michigan as much as I like working 40 hours a week (insert Lloyd Christmas voice here). A former walk on QB may start. HA. They will play a lot of freshmen at key positions. Michigan's defense should keep them in games, but hopefully their offense is so bad that it doesn't matter. Here's my prediction on how their schedule will play out:
Utah- L
@ Notre Dame- L
Wisconsin- L
Illinois- L
Toledo- W
@ Penn State (night game)- L
Michigan State- L
@ Purdon't- W
@ Minnesota- W
Northwestern- W
@ Ohio State- L
That's 5-7 folks. I did the same thing with the Detroit Lions when they were 6-2 last year, and I was perfect 8/8 in predicting the Lions 1-7 finish. Of course, that was easy because everybody knows the Lions are bigger joke than G$'s weiner. I can't wait for everyone to point and laugh when Michigan destroys Utah, but this is a bold prediction so get off me.
*Charlie Weis' FUPA gets even bigger.
*USC doesn't win the PAC-10 and Ohio State once again gets criticized for playing a weak schedule.
(G$: Pitt wins the Big East, Northwestern finishes in the top 5 of the Big Ten, Arizona State goes to a BCS Bowl)

Heisman winner:
Beanie Wells- just search on youtube (or youporn) for Beanie Wells and you'll understand why.
(G$: Tim Tebow, bitch)

Your pick for the BCS title game:
Ohio State - because they have the most talent, a favorable schedule, and I am an OSU fan.
(G$: Florida over Oklahomo)

Thank you, Wobbler and everyone else who filled in this week for The Mediocre One. Don't you worry about me though, I'm already writing the obituary for the Yankees so barring something bizarre, that will be up on Tuesday. But "Guest Post" Week was good and well-received, I think. I may open it up more often to some of you schlubs. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? No one can write a baby rape, Terry Schaivo, feces-covered dick joke like me. You all suck. I'm back on Tuesday after crushing a few cases of beer this weekend. Get fucked.


J Beanie said...

I love college football. Saturdays in the fall are, for a lack of a better word, special. Every year I get pumped up for the season. Then the season starts and I am reminded why as much as I love this season, it's also the most annoying one. It's only because of one person: Ohio State Fan. Damn you OSF. You're arrogant, ignorant view on the college football world just pisses me off. Yes, OSU is good. They may be one of the top five programs in the nation. However, not all the universe revolves around Columbus. Just calm down and stop jerking off to your fantasies of Tressell wearing just his sweater vest as he sneaks past your parents and into your room in the basement. OSF, you are such an annoying bastard, you almost ruin the college football season. Luckily, for all of us, the college football world, contrary to what you believe, does not start and end with the Buckeyes.

Sorry, I read this crap for four days on here and listen to my friends all week, and I had to vent. Thanks.

saul hudson said...

I ain't mad at ya, JBeanie. I enjoyed the BGSU love today, but the rest was lame. G$, what was that last night, a hangover from the MAC Championship game?

Anonymous said...

Saul Hudson,
Even though you only liked one thing about my post (the BGSU Love), at least it was still better than GSaul's poor excuse for a preview on Tuesday.


Anonymous said...

G$, I was wondering if I am on the official waitlist (if there is one) for your fantasy football league? Let me know the outlook.

Jon Saul

Anonymous said...

I'm with you Dut. I took a shit this morning that I caught a glimpse of before it went down and it reminded me of GSaul's post on Tuesday.

Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I took a shit this morning, too, and it looked like Todd Boeckman. In fact, it threw better passes than that statue of awful.

Anonymous said...

G$- What do you eat that makes you have white shit?


Mr. Ace said...

The JFL Champ lives here!