Thursday, August 28, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 4

Ladies and gentlemen, what a treat I have for you today. No one really cares what a Michigan or an Ohio State fan thinks about college football. I mean seriously, those fuckers get so drunk on Saturdays that they can't even remember anything that happened that day anyway. Am I really supposed to believe that they actually know anything about the Georgia defense? Of course not. Well, we've got a smart fella here today to talk with us. That's right, a MAC alum. Now granted, it was Bowling Green and I think that their valedictorian last year was a bloody tampon, but still, I give the guy credit because he actually pays attention to the sport and may or may not use that knowledge for financial (gambling) gain. The Wig Master drops a bomb on us today. Not only is The Wig Master also a member of this blog's legal defense team, he also wears a monocle, enjoys hair metal just as much as I do, and has prison-raped local schyster lawyer, Kevin Kurgis. Go on with your preview, Wiggy...

Late August is upon us. The Reds and Indians are firmly out of contention, your golf game is as good as it will get, everyone is all hot-dogged out, and the crickets are far noisier than G$'s marital bed ever will be. Summer is on her way out. Fortunately, that means it is time for Lou Holtz to dust off the lisp, for Buckeye fans to start the binge drinking and re-fueling of the zippos, for the ladies of the SEC to show why they are the hottest in the nation, it is time for NCAA football, and time for one bitchin' guest post. For those about to rock...Fire (Ed. note, WE SALUTE YOU!).

The Wig Master's Top 5:
Getting down to the gritty gritty. And now is this year’s pre-season top 5, according to me, with one word explanations.
5. Missouri - Experience.
4. Ohio State - Schedule.
3. USC - Reloaded.
2. Florida - Offense.
1. Georgia - Complete.

Most Overrated Team:
Let’s start with the bad. Big Ten football! Oops, sorry, I will allow Mark May the honor of peeing on the conference. We shall begin with the Most Overrated Team heading into action this football season. Not ranked in the Top 25 by either the AP or USA Today, but nevertheless receiving votes is Notre Dame. How this team even gets a few nods thrown its way is a mystery they are probably looking into at the Vatican this very moment. Last year’s version of ND football went 3-9 and rewrote the Irish record books for losing, sucking, not scoring, not rushing, and getting beat down by the Midshipmen. Navy, by the way, only practices the week of the Army game, which makes ND’s season look all the more pathetic. The Clausen kid is a punk from the West Coast who likes his beer from a cup, his women protestant, and his hair long (ha). The Irish return 16 starters from last year, 9 of whom are only sophomores. It could and should be another long one in South Bend, however, the schedule reads like a potential invite list to the New Orleans Bowl and there lies some Irish luck. But before sending ND any more votes, they need to start the season with a string of wins, rather than a reputation forged by teams from the past (ghosts?).

Most Underrated Team:
How about some fun, I hear G-sister had quite the reputation for pleasing many Miami football standouts at once (Ed., I thought long and hard about deleting this but I gave you carte blanche so sorry, House). No takers? Well then, this year’s Most Underrated Team. This season’s most underrated team comes at you from the heart of polygamy country where lacing into many is a common practice. If you haven’t figured it out BYU returns off two consecutive perfect Mountain West seasons with all of their offensive stars intact. Although they face some losses on the defensive side of the ball there are surely a few middle aged missionaries waiting to fill in. Junior quarterback Max Hall, finishing last season with a 137.7 QB rating and nearly 4,000 passing yards, will lead the attack. His strong and accurate arm will be complimented by sophomore running back Harvey Unga, who finished last season with over 1,200 yards and 17 touchdowns. The Cougars’ non-conference schedule is tough enough to turn heads, if successful, and if they manage another undefeated MWC season should be placed well within the grasp of major BCS bowl contention. Their current AP poll ranking of 16 does these Mid Major Mormons no justice. BYU should easily be nestled at the cusp of, if not within, the top 10. (They also have the hottest cheerleaders of all time...seriously)

This Year's Kansas:
Last year, Kansas did for the Sunflower State what Dorothy did over sixty years ago. And stayed drug-free (Judy Garland references?). Where will we find This Year’s Kansas? Big 12 country once again. Coming off of a 5-7 season and a day-after-Thanksgiving beat down Colorado style, the Nebraska Cornhuskers are poised to bring winning back to Lincoln. The man set to lead the way is Bo Pelini. The defensive minded SEC veteran should have the Black Shirts rolling like the ‘Skers fans are used to. It may take a monumental turn around in order for the Huskers to be that true surprise of the season, but a weak early schedule and a pissed off Tom Osborne may be what Supreme Court Justice Thomas ordered up (Clarence is a big fan, look it up, consult the Money Man for a pubic hair joke). The end of September brings a match up with Virginia Tech, and at that point the nation will see what the Pelini era holds.

First Coach Fired:
We will keep it going down “poop the bed avenue,” and talk about the First Coach Fired. G Funk is asking a lot, if I could answer this I suppose I would be a regular here at the Money Shot. That is not the case, so I will tweak this category and fill you in on the first man to have fans, talk radio, and alumni calling for his head. We don’t go far, as Charlie Weis is that man. See the 2007 ND season. That resume killer alone should have Weis drinking Hennigans by the liter. The only time Weis has been a proven winner was when he was video taping the other team in the shower while coaching in New England. Or whatever it was the Patriots were taping. It seems strange the powers that be in South Bend are tolerating such a poor tenure, oh, and rewarding that tenure with an extended contract. It just may never work, as the athletic director is thinking BCS bowls and Weis is thinking Arbys. (I bet he has one of those neon sombrero-type hats over his head constantly)

3 bold predictions (something that shows some balls)
Time for some spice! Some "day after BW3's colon cleansing".
*Michigan and Dick Rod win in Columbus. Write it down. Rich and company pull off the turn around that Tressel and the boys did during Jim’s first season. I was going to predict a massive fire and riots on the edge of the Ohio State Campus following a Michigan loss, but that is not bold, you set your watch to that.
*Dan LeFevour, quarterback at Central Michigan, will be thrown in the Heisman talks. The guy is a stud. He has nailed your mom and sister...this is likely true. G$ dreams about him, G-dad wishes he were a RedHawk, and G-mom knows Dan’s ‘pocket presence’ is unmatched! If you did not watch the Motor City Bowl last year you really missed a highlight of the bowl season. Keep the eyes peeled and the ears open for LeFevour’s name. And a showdown with number one ranked Georgia will only help this bold prediction.
*The BCS gets it right this year. I can’t back that up, but it has to just once, just so the fans finally get a true champion and not a conversation starter come the holidays.

Heisman Winner:
The award for the greatest drummer of all time goes to Neil Peart. Yep, the drummer for Rush. That may be a tough one to swallow, but the man is a master. The award for the greatest football player in 2008, the Heisman Winner, goes to Chris Wells. Over 1600 yards and 15 touchdowns last year should only be improved upon. A talented offense, a team competing for another second place finish, and a schedule which features the Holgate Tigers all points toward another trophy in the case down in Columbus.

BCS Title Game and Winner:
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong. This in mind, the BCS Championship Game will feature the Florida Gators and the Missouri Tigers. Experience, offensive talent, and a true stand out at the quarterback position defines the 2008 versions of both Florida and Missouri. In the end, Florida will prove to be the best team in the country as a result of a tested team out of the SEC, and a coach Missouri cannot match in Urban Myer. The legend continues.

I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. We are all winners either way, as college football gets started this weekend. A final nod goes out to the Virginia Tech Hokies. The team with the best On-Field Entrance in the country. When the stadium, team, and fans all start rocking to ‘Enter Sandman’ the setting is truly electric. Try to catch it. If not the Hokies, then who does it better? Tell me where I am wrong. (Just keep the gun-toting Asians away)

OK, Wig Master, that made me laugh. You managed to insult my entire family and I let you get away with it because you possess a kind of grace that only Jackie O had. But one thing you said slapped me square in the taint: you were positive about Rush. I can't say this enough: RUSH IS THE WORST BAND EVER. Even Celine Dion, Dave Coulier, and Bryan Adams think that Rush is an embarrassment to Canada. Either way though, you brought it to the table today and I applaud you. Last guest post of the week is tomorrow with also a short write-up from me discussing my trip to Oxford for the RedHawks/Vandy game. Watch it on ESPNU tonight and check out our QB, he's the worst you'll ever see!


Anonymous said...

What?! An unbiased man has OSU ranked fourth? Some Michigan fan must surely have had a gun to your head while you were writing! By lil Strut's logic you also should have made them the most underrated team and Drew will surely be damning your blog. This is outrageous!!!! And you boldly predicted Rich Rod to take down the mighty buckeyes this year? You sir, surely know NOTHING about college football.


GMoney said...

Excellent points, G.

I just woke up...awesome.

J Beanie said...

Man, this was better than anything G$ ever wrote. Strangely, it sounded a lot like my post yesterday.

G$, your sister sounds hot, and by hot I mean slutty. Bring her to Columbus next time I'm there.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, JB. I have learned much from GFunk. And GFunk, I am not a fan of Rush, just giving respect to Peart, can you name anyone better? Oh yeah, G-sister gets around!

--the Wig Master

flohtingPoint said...

Neal Pert over Mike Portnoy? Ouch!

Anonymous said...

Why has it taken so long for someone to finally call out Notre Dame as being the most overrated team in college football? That alone made this post in my eyes. Anyone giving Notre Dame any votes in either poll should have their voting rights stripped. The rest of the post was enjoyable as well. many times must I spell it out for you? I didnt have a problem with you ranking them #4. I had a problem with you calling them MOST Overrated when you had them at #4, because somewhere out there there has to be a team that was ranked at least 3 spots higher than they deserved,(see: today's Most Overrated pick, Notre Dame) which is the maximum amount of spots OSU could have been overrated by your rankings.

Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I respect the Portnoy and Dream Theater shout out, but NP remains at the top.

--the Wig Master

Anonymous said...

Lil' Strut....stop trying. GSaul obviously has a problem with subtraction and will never learn.


Anonymous said...

lol, That must be it Drew, because I don't think its that hard to understand.

Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Cousin Rob,

I have them ranked fourth because the Big Ten sucks and they will go undefeated in the Big Ten.

I have them overrated because they cannot beat other teams that are ranked in the top 5 (non-Big Ten teams, such as Florida, LSU, Texas, USC).

The two are not "mutually exclusive," which is a phrase I know you know from law school. Put away your calculator.


GMoney said...

I thought I told you to stop talking about that, guys? It's over. And we all know that Tommy Lee is the best drummer ever anyway.

I'm on my way to Oxford, look for the sexy fucker wearing a red Roethlisberger jersey eventhough there is supposed to be a "white out" tonight.

flohtingPoint said...

I thought I told you to stop talking about that, guys? It's over.

lol, my bad, been out of the loop for quite some time. Last time I was an active writer, we were discussing peach pit vs the max.

Back to the BIWMB search, Sweden calls.

Anonymous said...

Gsaul- I believe Ohio State beat Texas, and Texas was ranked in the top 5 (number 2). Ohio State also beat number 1 Miami, who was considered the greatest team ever assembled. You must have missed those.