Monday, August 25, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 1

As I've mentioned before, I'm taking the week off. But on my way out the door, I'm handing over the keys to the car to some of my most beloved commenters and gay night club frequenters. It's a week of college football previews from 5 different perspectives. Today, we hear from Ohio State Alum, Drew. Drew prides himself on his ability to drink way too much, formerly ran the sickest buffet line in upscale restaurant history, and if presented with the situation, would spend the rest of his life on a deserted island with Matt Millen. Take it away, Drew...

Drew's Top 5
1.) Ohio State -- Stunning.....I know. But, how can you not pick the team that over-achieved the year before and brings back every starter except a FB, DE and OT. This team also has three top ten picks in next year's draft and as many as possibly six first round picks. So, in short there isn't another team in the country with this team's senior-laden talent and returning starters. Plus, it's my favorite team so I want them to be number one.

2.) Oklahoma -- That's right. I'm picking the two teams that have been whooped in their BCS games the last two years as my top two teams. They have the second best offense in the Big 12 (Texas Tech has the best as much as I hate to say it),plus they get Texas, Texas Tech and Kansas at home....and dodge Mizzou on the regular season slate. Lastly, if this happens then the SEC is shut out of the national championship game which would be borderline the greatest thing ever and might throw us into another civil war.

3.) Georgia -- First of all, congrats to Georgia for scheduling an away game outside of the southeast for the first time in over a decade. Somebody finally grew some testicles with their out of conference football scheduling. This team is probably the team closest in amount of talent to Ohio State. Big problem though....Away games against South Carolina, Arizona State, LSU, and Auburn.....PLUS, home games against Tennessee and Florida. They are damn good...but if you are going to run that schedule you better be DAMN good. They will slip up at least once and probably twice.

4.) USC – No team in the country has as many five-star recruits on their roster as USC. Just to show how ridiculous it is…..Starting QB Mark Sanchez just went down with a knee injury and is iffy for the first game at Virginia. So, who pops up to take his place? Former five-star and University of Arkansas QB Mitch Mustain, who just happened to go 8-0 as a Freshman in the SEC. That’s ridiculous. But, they will lose to Ohio State (I’ve got a ticket to the game….they better lose) and treat the rest of the Pac-10 like a bunch of rag dolls as they gain experience throughout the year.

5.) Clemson – I love this team. Tons of speed….great RB’s….lots of returning starters and an absolutely horrible ACC Conference to play against. They are going to run away with this conference and I’m honestly surprised that there isn’t more talk of the very real possibility of them going undefeated. Look at their schedule?!? There are a couple of potential tough games, but there isn’t a single game on their schedule where they won’t be favored.

Most overrated team
Most overrated team in the nation goes to the team with the most overweight coach in the nation, your Kansas Jayhawks (apologies to Charlie Weis). This school did something to sell their soul to the college sports gods for 2007-08, by having the only good football team they’ve ever had and then the comeback to win a national championship in basketball. It can’t happen again. They are ranked # 13 right now….they will not finish the season ranked. Mark that down….Kansas will never be good at football again. It’s like if Minnesota ever went to a BCS Bowl. You just know they are going to be complete garbage the next year.

Most underrated team
I feel kind of like I’m copping out with this one since it’s the popular pick, but I’m going with Texas Tech who is # 14 right now. They are going to average around 50 points a game and their best players this year, are the same ones that ran that offense all last year. I think Oklahoma has the ability to beat them in a shoot out, but who else does in the Big 12? I’m not sure there is another one….I don’t think Chase Daniel and Mizzou can keep up either. This is the year that they get to a BCS bowl and just put up ridiculous numbers every week while on that course.

This year's Kansas that comes out of nowhere
Michigan State…..This is kind of a weird pick, but to be “This year’s Kansas” it has to be a team that is unranked right now and Michigan State is as good as any of them I guess. IF they can get past a road game at Cal in week one, then they will most likely be 7-0 before Ohio State heads to Lansing. Let’s say they have a good showing against the Buckeyes and only lose by say….35 points…then they will still be around # 12 in the country after beating Michigan the next week. So, I’m going with Sparty and Dantonio.

The first coach fired
After losing back to back games to Syracuse and Temple and soiling himself during each one, Joe Paterno finally gives into the pressure and "resigns". His only request is that he gets to name his replacement and promises that it will be a person with Penn State blood. The trustees and athletic department quickly agree as they figure nobody will be worse than Joe. The next day at the press conference JoePa tells how the new coach is one of the smartest players he ever had at Penn State and has even translated his football knowledge into quite the NFL career. He then introduces Matt Millen as the new head coach of Penn State football...the same Matt Millen that has racked up a 31-81 record as General Manager of the Detroit Lions over the last seven years. Every single member of the media falls out of their chairs laughing...Schools and Businesses in Detroit close for the day as people take to the streets for a huge party...and a procession of students, alumni and faculty race to the top of Nittany Lion Stadium to jump off of it as fast as they can. Please happen, Please happen, Please happen. (Editor's note, this sounds a lot like a Greg Giraldo "Ripple of Evil")

3 bold predictions (something that shows some balls)
*Tim Tebow will come out of the closet as a homosexual. The Indonesian country that he performed circumcisions on orphans will them have him extradited to their country for pedophilia suspicion.
*Notre Dame will win eight games this year.
*Terrelle Pryor will have three touchdowns somehow against Michigan, causing Dick Rod to have a complete melt-down on the sideline as he watches his own slow white QB get killed play after play by the Buckeye defense. At some point after the game he will be shown a diagram of how a square peg can not fit into a round hole, which is exactly what the theme of his offense will be this year.

Heisman winner
Chris “Beanie” Wells – 3,456 yds this year (yup, that’s 288 yds a game) They will then rename the Heisman after him, since it will be proven this year that his stiff arm is tougher than the statue’s namesake. Tebow will be able to attend via satellite from the Phillipines wearing a Gator orange jumpsuit.

BCS Title Game and Winner
Ohio State vs. Oklahoma – Ohio State wins 37-9. We win because we are the best.

Thanks, Drew. As a reward for your hard work, the fantasy team that you drafted yesterday will finish 10th in my league. More tomorrow and I promise, it's not pro-Ohio State at all...


rstiles said...

Tressel is the devil

Anonymous said...

Then I love being a devil worshiper.


GMoney said...

Proceed carefully when climbing on the Clemson bandwagon. They've broken my hearts than me that time I "accidentally" went to a gay bar.

J Beanie said...

My God what did I just read? G$, this is going to be the longest week ever if this is the kind of incompetent retards you have blogging for yourself. Now I see why you think you know so much about everything; you surround yourself with complete morons. Chris Wells as the Heisman winner? Ohio State winning the national title? If both those things happen I'll make this Drew character his My Wish wish come true and buy him season tickets to the Buckeyes.

I miss you already Graig, and now that I know what you look like, thoughts of you have been running through my head all day.

GMoney said...

Beanie, like I said earlier, you will like this more tomorrow.

Nothing will stop my Rosenberg-boner.

Anonymous said...

Great post!! GMoney should take some notes. I don't know how anyone can doubt that Beanie will be the Heisman winner, as long as he stays healthy. All these MAC fans are just jealous they will never get to experience the pure joy we get to every year.