Friday, August 15, 2008
How about that, huh? A "Noid" reference. Didn't Domino's try to bring this little fucker back a few years ago? And speaking of crappy pizza, a Little Ceasar's opened up down the road from me a few months back. Disgusting. Mike Ilitch can eat a bag of dicks. Anyway, obviously it's Friday and we're still in August so it must be time to talk fantasy football again. We've discussed who the top 5 should be and also some hidden gems. Today we shine the proverbial spotlight on guys that I am very, very down on this year. Avoid these players like The Plague and smile knowing that somehow, I'll end up with all of these guys:
QB - Brett Favre
I have no idea why anyone would take Brett Favre in the first 8-10 rounds of a fantasy draft this year. One, he's older than dirt. Two, he only knows one offense and it's not the one that he's in now. Three, he was lucky last year because he was just as stupid as ever when it came to his decision-making/"gun-slinging". Four, the guy is a walking distraction. If I'm a Jets fan, sure, what a great deal and a massive upgrade behind center. But I'm not, I own a fantasy football team and I'm trying to win not make some old guy feel like he's still got it. I don't want to see my QB throw incompletion after incompletion because he and his WR's are not on the same page. Even known Favre cocksucker, Peter King, admits that Brett looks exhausted and he's already sitting out practices with a sore arm/vagina. I'd take him as a backup QB, but if he's your starter, you aren't going to the playoffs.
RB - Frank Gore
Look at the picture...those are two HUGE reasons why Frank Gore is going to suck this year. And that is a BEST case scenario for Gore. It sounds as if the 49ers are going to name JT or JP O'Sullivan it's man. Honestly, Frank Gore deserves much better than that. The guy runs his ass off and doesn't shy away from contact yet ever since he's been in the league, his QB's haven't been able to complete 5 yard passes consistently. I've seen on ESPN that Gore is the 6th ranked RB...are you serious? This is a MIKE FUCKING MARTZ offense. I wouldn't take him in the top 20.
WR - Plaxico Burress
He actually stayed healthy all of last year, which tends to happen when you don't practice all season. But now he's pissed about his contract and he's all about himself since he caught the Super Bowl-winning touchdown pass. When was the last time that someone built up an inflated sense of self-worth, cried about his contract, and actually lived up to expectations the following season? The Giants were the ultimate flukey team last year with their road successes and crappy play at home and that ends this year. Burress will probably end up playing in about 8 games due to "injuries". Don't kid yourself, if they get off to a rocky start, I wouldn't expect to see him on the field. As far as where he should be drafted, I would take him in the late 4th/early 5th but I wouldn't count on him to be my #1 WR.
TE - Antonio Gates
Boy, words can't describe how angry it makes me when I think about Gates' hoops days at Kent State. But for some reason, I like him as a football player. Unfortunately, not this fantasy year. He's still recovering from toe surgery. His QB not only sucks, but his sucky knee is coming off of surgery. The problem with Gates is that he is always overvalued. How do I know this? Because I'm the fucker that always drafts him in the 3rd round trying to outthink the room when in all actuality, everyone is laughing at me. There is no excuse for taking a TE in the third round. Or the 4th round. Or maybe even the 5th round. Barring an amazing season from someone, tight ends don't win or lose leagues for people. So I implore you to pass on taking Gates early, smirk at the douche who jumped at him (like me!), and enjoy the similar production that Dallas Clark or Chris Cooley provides 3 rounds later.
DEF - Da Bears
This unit is old. It's slow. It gets hurt every single damn season (I'm looking at you, Mike Brown). And that offense isn't going to help them stay off the field either. But yet your local league moron will always be proud to take them in the 8th round thinking that he just got a steal because "they have Brian Urlacher". Well, dumbass, Urlacher is getting up there in age. And the secondary sucks. In most leagues, Devin Hester returns don't even count toward defensive points anyway. Now, I'm not one of those guys that thinks you can just pluck a kicker and a defense in the last two rounds. I think you need to make sure that you get a kicker on an offense that will be pretty good and a defense with a good secondary. But neither should be drafted before you have a few quality backups. The Bears are staring down a 5-11 season though, so you should probably just let them go.
That was fun for me, yet likely brutal for you. Next week is the last installment for this series...eventhough it isn't the last weekend in August (I'll be getting to that later but can you say "GUEST POSTS"!). Anyway, for our 4th and final installment of this series, I give you 5 rules to live by for drafting a successful fantasy team. Don't believe me? I think my resume speaks for itself: 7 straight years of fifth place finishes with one championship sprinkled in there. I'm more than qualified.