Friday, August 29, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 5

We're closing out guest post week here in style. Today, we are joined by The Wobbler who comments as "Dustin" or "CumSlurper14". Wobbler is of a rare breed that roots for the Detroit Tigers and the Browns. I know that I don't root for a "city" seeing as my teams are spread out, but those two poverty-ridden city's hate each other. Bizarre. Anyway, a little background on The Wobbler: The PGA Champion receives a trophy (pictured with a smelly Vijay) that was named after him, he was kicked out of Bowling Green for having sex with the Freddy Falcon costume, and his father looks like a dead ringer for one of the guy's on Bill Swerski and the Super Fans. I apologize, Wobbler, for I am placing my picks at the end of each of yours only because I need to get them in just so they are on the record. Fuck you, you'll deal with it. You know that you want to sit next to me again at the Draft on Sunday. Take us to the weekend, Dustin (and G$)...

Wobbler's Top 5 (no jokes, just my picks so we can laugh at them later):
1. Ohio State - HOMER ALERT!!!- Yes, I am a Buckeye fan. That being said, it would be hard for even a Buckeye hater not to put them in the top 5. Nobody else in the country has as much talent returning (that I know of, and if I don't know of them, they're irrelevant). Most of them have multiple BCS Championship game experience. They have the best running back in the nation. They have 2 of the top 5 linebackers in the nation (RedHawks have the other 3!). They have a top 3 cornerback in the nation. Their defense should be among the best, although I am skeptical because of their performances against good teams. If the defense takes it in the ass again in big games, it might be time for Mr. Heacock to go. There is no way a team with that much talent should get pummeled. Enough with my rant... talent+experience+Heisman candidate+Tressel+HOMER= OSU #1.

2. Florida - I hate Florida. But I hate them because they're good. Michigan showed how to slow down their offense: pick their play in Tecmo Superbowl (blitz Tebow). I am not completely sold on Tebow's throwing skills, so I would once again expect to see a lot of blitzing this season. I don't get to see a whole lot of Florida games because I live in the North, and I'm not a hillbilly. But what I have seen has been great. They will score a lot of points. Tebow and 'Oh Mercy' Percy Harvin could easily finish in the top 5 of the Heisman race (but they won't win).

3. US & C - They have so much talent that their 3rd string and practice squad could win the Big East (I guess that's not saying much). Mark 'Dirty' Sanchez (that's just too easy) may be out to start the season, but does it really matter? I think I could run that offense. All I'd have to do is hand it to one of their ten 5 star RBs, and occasionally pick apart the defense with my golden arm. How hard could that be? There is no denying their talent...but their experience is what may hurt them. (Editor's question: what the hell do you mean with US & C?)

4. Georgia - They return a lot of their defense. Knowshon Moreno is a stud. They finished last season on a tear. If they can figure out how not to get blown out at home by Tennessee they should be up there.

5. Bowling Green Falcons - I went there, this is my blog, so shut up (That's my best G$ impression). I can't think of another deserving team right now. Clemson? I just don't know about them. I am a fan of the Thunder and Lightning, and their stadium is sweet, but it just seems like every year they're suppose to do something special, and they never do. Oklahoma? They're ugly. BGSU returns a lot of starters, and some are picking them to win the MAC. Some of the players were even taggin' my ex-woman's roommate. What's not to love? (Editor, that was fantastic and the kind of journalistic integrity that I like to see)
(G$'s 1-5: Florida, USC, Georgia, Oklahomo, Texas Tech)

Most overrated team:
Kansas and Missouri - Mark Mangino is fat. Chase Daniel likes boys. Both of these teams benefitted by playing a weak schedule. Kansas gets to try and show that they're not overrated this season by playing South Florida, Texas, and Oklahoma. I'll be a believer if they can win those games.
(G$'s: Clemson)

Most underrated:
The Big 10 Conference - SEC gets all the love right now. Some is deserved, but many of their fans believe they could compete with the NFL. The Big 10 is .500 against the SEC in bowl games the last 5 years. Last year was a down year for the Big 10. This year, there are quite a few teams on the rise and here is why...
Penn State - Anthony Morelli is no longer QB
Wisconsin - more experienced
Michigan State - Mark Dantonio is their coach.
Illinois - probably won't do what they did last year, but they are still solid. Michigan blows.
(G$'s: Kansas)

This year's Kansas:
Michigan State - They lost a lot of close games last season. Brian Hoyer is back (is that a good thing?), and Javon Ringer is a stud. They should be able to score, and if their defense can slow people down, they'll 'come out of nowhere'. They need to figure out how to replace last year's D-line, but with Dantonio's defensive mind, it shouldn't be a problem.
(G$'s: ummmm, the RedHawks? Pitt, too)

The first coach fired:
Charlie Weis (pictured) - he won't get fired. He'll eat himself to death. I've been wanting to use that picture for months.
(G$: Kirk Ferentz)

3 bold predictions (something that shows some balls)
*Michigan ends bowl streak - I guess I may be a little biased because I like Michigan as much as I like working 40 hours a week (insert Lloyd Christmas voice here). A former walk on QB may start. HA. They will play a lot of freshmen at key positions. Michigan's defense should keep them in games, but hopefully their offense is so bad that it doesn't matter. Here's my prediction on how their schedule will play out:
Utah- L
@ Notre Dame- L
Wisconsin- L
Illinois- L
Toledo- W
@ Penn State (night game)- L
Michigan State- L
@ Purdon't- W
@ Minnesota- W
Northwestern- W
@ Ohio State- L
That's 5-7 folks. I did the same thing with the Detroit Lions when they were 6-2 last year, and I was perfect 8/8 in predicting the Lions 1-7 finish. Of course, that was easy because everybody knows the Lions are bigger joke than G$'s weiner. I can't wait for everyone to point and laugh when Michigan destroys Utah, but this is a bold prediction so get off me.
*Charlie Weis' FUPA gets even bigger.
*USC doesn't win the PAC-10 and Ohio State once again gets criticized for playing a weak schedule.
(G$: Pitt wins the Big East, Northwestern finishes in the top 5 of the Big Ten, Arizona State goes to a BCS Bowl)

Heisman winner:
Beanie Wells- just search on youtube (or youporn) for Beanie Wells and you'll understand why.
(G$: Tim Tebow, bitch)

Your pick for the BCS title game:
Ohio State - because they have the most talent, a favorable schedule, and I am an OSU fan.
(G$: Florida over Oklahomo)

Thank you, Wobbler and everyone else who filled in this week for The Mediocre One. Don't you worry about me though, I'm already writing the obituary for the Yankees so barring something bizarre, that will be up on Tuesday. But "Guest Post" Week was good and well-received, I think. I may open it up more often to some of you schlubs. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? No one can write a baby rape, Terry Schaivo, feces-covered dick joke like me. You all suck. I'm back on Tuesday after crushing a few cases of beer this weekend. Get fucked.

Fire Shane Montgomery

I just got back from the absolutely God awful performance put forth by my RedHawks tonight. Just terrible really. Shane Montgomery has to be the worst head coach in the nation at any level of football. He has no clue what he's doing and the only reason he got the job in the first place was because he got the credit for Big Ben being awesome. Which has clearly been proven to have nothing to do with his coaching.

We also featured that worst starting QB in the world. Daniel Raudabaugh, who led the nation in overthrowing his WR's last year, was back to his old self again by launching 3 picks and completing about 18% of his passes.

To Vanderbilt's credit, their QB is a freaking stud. That kid can run.

But this is exactly why I'm not the biggest college football fan around. For a MAC school, you aren't always going to be good due to your financial restraints. I can live with that. But I hate it when I have to listen to our dumbass coaches explain why things didn't go our way tonight and see the same old crappy QB play eventhough we have two EXTREMELY talented freshmen QB's.

Fire Shane Montgomery. Hire Ditka. Or Fontes. Or Bill Walsh. Or Gene Upshaw. I would rather have a corpse than a brain-dead fucking retard on the sideline anyway. At least the NFL starts next week.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 4

Ladies and gentlemen, what a treat I have for you today. No one really cares what a Michigan or an Ohio State fan thinks about college football. I mean seriously, those fuckers get so drunk on Saturdays that they can't even remember anything that happened that day anyway. Am I really supposed to believe that they actually know anything about the Georgia defense? Of course not. Well, we've got a smart fella here today to talk with us. That's right, a MAC alum. Now granted, it was Bowling Green and I think that their valedictorian last year was a bloody tampon, but still, I give the guy credit because he actually pays attention to the sport and may or may not use that knowledge for financial (gambling) gain. The Wig Master drops a bomb on us today. Not only is The Wig Master also a member of this blog's legal defense team, he also wears a monocle, enjoys hair metal just as much as I do, and has prison-raped local schyster lawyer, Kevin Kurgis. Go on with your preview, Wiggy...

Late August is upon us. The Reds and Indians are firmly out of contention, your golf game is as good as it will get, everyone is all hot-dogged out, and the crickets are far noisier than G$'s marital bed ever will be. Summer is on her way out. Fortunately, that means it is time for Lou Holtz to dust off the lisp, for Buckeye fans to start the binge drinking and re-fueling of the zippos, for the ladies of the SEC to show why they are the hottest in the nation, it is time for NCAA football, and time for one bitchin' guest post. For those about to rock...Fire (Ed. note, WE SALUTE YOU!).

The Wig Master's Top 5:
Getting down to the gritty gritty. And now is this year’s pre-season top 5, according to me, with one word explanations.
5. Missouri - Experience.
4. Ohio State - Schedule.
3. USC - Reloaded.
2. Florida - Offense.
1. Georgia - Complete.

Most Overrated Team:
Let’s start with the bad. Big Ten football! Oops, sorry, I will allow Mark May the honor of peeing on the conference. We shall begin with the Most Overrated Team heading into action this football season. Not ranked in the Top 25 by either the AP or USA Today, but nevertheless receiving votes is Notre Dame. How this team even gets a few nods thrown its way is a mystery they are probably looking into at the Vatican this very moment. Last year’s version of ND football went 3-9 and rewrote the Irish record books for losing, sucking, not scoring, not rushing, and getting beat down by the Midshipmen. Navy, by the way, only practices the week of the Army game, which makes ND’s season look all the more pathetic. The Clausen kid is a punk from the West Coast who likes his beer from a cup, his women protestant, and his hair long (ha). The Irish return 16 starters from last year, 9 of whom are only sophomores. It could and should be another long one in South Bend, however, the schedule reads like a potential invite list to the New Orleans Bowl and there lies some Irish luck. But before sending ND any more votes, they need to start the season with a string of wins, rather than a reputation forged by teams from the past (ghosts?).

Most Underrated Team:
How about some fun, I hear G-sister had quite the reputation for pleasing many Miami football standouts at once (Ed., I thought long and hard about deleting this but I gave you carte blanche so sorry, House). No takers? Well then, this year’s Most Underrated Team. This season’s most underrated team comes at you from the heart of polygamy country where lacing into many is a common practice. If you haven’t figured it out BYU returns off two consecutive perfect Mountain West seasons with all of their offensive stars intact. Although they face some losses on the defensive side of the ball there are surely a few middle aged missionaries waiting to fill in. Junior quarterback Max Hall, finishing last season with a 137.7 QB rating and nearly 4,000 passing yards, will lead the attack. His strong and accurate arm will be complimented by sophomore running back Harvey Unga, who finished last season with over 1,200 yards and 17 touchdowns. The Cougars’ non-conference schedule is tough enough to turn heads, if successful, and if they manage another undefeated MWC season should be placed well within the grasp of major BCS bowl contention. Their current AP poll ranking of 16 does these Mid Major Mormons no justice. BYU should easily be nestled at the cusp of, if not within, the top 10. (They also have the hottest cheerleaders of all time...seriously)

This Year's Kansas:
Last year, Kansas did for the Sunflower State what Dorothy did over sixty years ago. And stayed drug-free (Judy Garland references?). Where will we find This Year’s Kansas? Big 12 country once again. Coming off of a 5-7 season and a day-after-Thanksgiving beat down Colorado style, the Nebraska Cornhuskers are poised to bring winning back to Lincoln. The man set to lead the way is Bo Pelini. The defensive minded SEC veteran should have the Black Shirts rolling like the ‘Skers fans are used to. It may take a monumental turn around in order for the Huskers to be that true surprise of the season, but a weak early schedule and a pissed off Tom Osborne may be what Supreme Court Justice Thomas ordered up (Clarence is a big fan, look it up, consult the Money Man for a pubic hair joke). The end of September brings a match up with Virginia Tech, and at that point the nation will see what the Pelini era holds.

First Coach Fired:
We will keep it going down “poop the bed avenue,” and talk about the First Coach Fired. G Funk is asking a lot, if I could answer this I suppose I would be a regular here at the Money Shot. That is not the case, so I will tweak this category and fill you in on the first man to have fans, talk radio, and alumni calling for his head. We don’t go far, as Charlie Weis is that man. See the 2007 ND season. That resume killer alone should have Weis drinking Hennigans by the liter. The only time Weis has been a proven winner was when he was video taping the other team in the shower while coaching in New England. Or whatever it was the Patriots were taping. It seems strange the powers that be in South Bend are tolerating such a poor tenure, oh, and rewarding that tenure with an extended contract. It just may never work, as the athletic director is thinking BCS bowls and Weis is thinking Arbys. (I bet he has one of those neon sombrero-type hats over his head constantly)

3 bold predictions (something that shows some balls)
Time for some spice! Some "day after BW3's colon cleansing".
*Michigan and Dick Rod win in Columbus. Write it down. Rich and company pull off the turn around that Tressel and the boys did during Jim’s first season. I was going to predict a massive fire and riots on the edge of the Ohio State Campus following a Michigan loss, but that is not bold, you set your watch to that.
*Dan LeFevour, quarterback at Central Michigan, will be thrown in the Heisman talks. The guy is a stud. He has nailed your mom and sister...this is likely true. G$ dreams about him, G-dad wishes he were a RedHawk, and G-mom knows Dan’s ‘pocket presence’ is unmatched! If you did not watch the Motor City Bowl last year you really missed a highlight of the bowl season. Keep the eyes peeled and the ears open for LeFevour’s name. And a showdown with number one ranked Georgia will only help this bold prediction.
*The BCS gets it right this year. I can’t back that up, but it has to just once, just so the fans finally get a true champion and not a conversation starter come the holidays.

Heisman Winner:
The award for the greatest drummer of all time goes to Neil Peart. Yep, the drummer for Rush. That may be a tough one to swallow, but the man is a master. The award for the greatest football player in 2008, the Heisman Winner, goes to Chris Wells. Over 1600 yards and 15 touchdowns last year should only be improved upon. A talented offense, a team competing for another second place finish, and a schedule which features the Holgate Tigers all points toward another trophy in the case down in Columbus.

BCS Title Game and Winner:
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong. This in mind, the BCS Championship Game will feature the Florida Gators and the Missouri Tigers. Experience, offensive talent, and a true stand out at the quarterback position defines the 2008 versions of both Florida and Missouri. In the end, Florida will prove to be the best team in the country as a result of a tested team out of the SEC, and a coach Missouri cannot match in Urban Myer. The legend continues.

I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. We are all winners either way, as college football gets started this weekend. A final nod goes out to the Virginia Tech Hokies. The team with the best On-Field Entrance in the country. When the stadium, team, and fans all start rocking to ‘Enter Sandman’ the setting is truly electric. Try to catch it. If not the Hokies, then who does it better? Tell me where I am wrong. (Just keep the gun-toting Asians away)

OK, Wig Master, that made me laugh. You managed to insult my entire family and I let you get away with it because you possess a kind of grace that only Jackie O had. But one thing you said slapped me square in the taint: you were positive about Rush. I can't say this enough: RUSH IS THE WORST BAND EVER. Even Celine Dion, Dave Coulier, and Bryan Adams think that Rush is an embarrassment to Canada. Either way though, you brought it to the table today and I applaud you. Last guest post of the week is tomorrow with also a short write-up from me discussing my trip to Oxford for the RedHawks/Vandy game. Watch it on ESPNU tonight and check out our QB, he's the worst you'll ever see!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 3

Well, we've heard from an Ohio State fan and a Michigan fan and today...were back to Buckeye fan again. Ugh. But, we should all feel blessed because today we've got one of the biggest homers of all time joining us. Yep, former die-hard commenter, Damman, gives blogging a whirl today. Allow me give you a little background on today's write as I've known Damman for probably about 2 decades. His most noticeable traits are his love of putting ketchup on hot dogs (just plain wrong), his top 5 finishes in global Peyton Manning lookalike contests, and his burning lust for rotund drunken skanks. Without further ado, it's all you, D...

Well, I have finally realized one of my dreams of being a guest poster on The Money Shot. Obviously, I don't set very lofty goals for myself. This low goal setting sometimes shows my in my choice of women that I hit on at bars...well I should probably stop right there.

I guess we are going to talk some college football today. I should preface this by saying that I am a huge Buckeye fan. I will try to be unbiased in my predictions, but I am not making any promises. But, you know what, there is enough Buckeye bashing that goes on here that I may just have to give my beloved Buckeyes some love. So all you Buckeye haters, piss off.

Damman's Top 5:
1. Georgia - Everybody's #1. With all the returning talent (Stafford, Moreno) it's hard to argue with it. The schedule will be a bitch (They play in the almighty SEC, you know) and losing one of their starting tackles for the year will hurt. But they are still loaded.

2. THE Ohio State Buckeyes - Is this the year the Buckeyes get over the hump? Back-to-Back Championship Game losses has the rest of the country praying that the Buckeyes don't make it back. But with 20 returning starters, it's hard to bet against them. In the words of Lou Brown, "Let's see if we can give 'em all a nice big shit burger." The showdown with USC will tell a lot about this team.

3. USC - Everybody's favorite cheaters. They have the best players money can buy, and while it pisses me off that they get away with it, it also makes them very good. Pete Carroll is a homo, but when you've got an open checkbook, you get some pretty good players. (Editor's note: what a jealous prick)

4. Florida - Urban Meyer can flat out coach. With Tebow at the controls to go along with weapons like Percy Harvin, they will be a force offensively. They will go as far as their suspect defense can take them.

5. Missouri - I have developed a man crush on Chase Daniel. I think he is going to have another monster year and Jeremy Maclin is a stud. They will take down Oklahoma this year.

Most Overrated
Clemson. I know they have a lot of talent, but when have they not had a lot of talent? It seems like this team gets hype every year, but never lives up to it. Now this year with maybe more hype than ever, why would it be any different? This team will go 8-4.

Most Underrated
South Carolina. I don't really no why, but I just think this is the year the "Ol' Ball Coach" makes some noise in the SEC.

This year's Kansas
North Carolina. After a couple of solid recruiting classes, Butch Davis and crew have the makings for a big breakout season, especially in the weak ACC. Being a Browns fan, I despise Butch Davis for nearly running a great franchise into the ground (Editor's note, I love Butch Davis for that). But the guy is a great college football coach.

The first coach fired
Kirk Ferentz. After having 3 straight ten win seasons earlier in the decade, one of the highest paid coaches has seen his program take a nose dive. He has lost control of his players on and off the field, and that's ok if you keep winning. Ferentz has not.

Three Bold Predictions
*North Carolina will win the ACC. This conference sucks and as I said earlier, Carolina is a team on the rise.
*Terrelle Pryor will score two touchdowns against USC. Believe the hype. This kid is the real deal.
*Notre Dame will lose to Navy again. I am not sure how likely or bold this is, but the Irish are going to suck again this year and I wouldn't rule it out. It is really sad to see Charlie Weis struggle so much, isn't it?

Heisman Winner
Beanie Wells. Come on, who else could it be? Beanie ran for 1600 yards last year and played about 3/4 of the games due to injury/blowouts. He is big, he is fast, and if he stays healthy there is no telling how big of a season he could have. Chase Daniel will finish 2nd, Tebow 3rd. Tebow's numbers will take a dip this year due to having a better running game (by actual running backs Rainey and Harvin) to take away some of his touchdowns.

BCS Championship
Ohio State over Florida. This is the year the Bucks get the job done. This is the year the SEC curse is lifted. Two years ago, they got caught not being ready to play as evidenced by Troy Smith putting on 15 lbs between the Michigan game and the championship game. Last year, they were not supposed to be there. They were a year away and had to play a really good LSU team in New Orleans, not an easy task. This year there are no excuses. This is why Jenkins, Lauranaitis, and Freeman came back, unfinished business. Even though they say it's not why they came back, they are just being smart about it. (They don't want to pull a Michigan from last year when those dumbasses said they wanted to come back to win a Big Ten title, beat Ohio State, and win a national title. How'd that turn out boys? 0 for 3, huh?)

This is why they came back. They are loaded on offense and loaded on defense. It all starts at USC on Sept. 13th. This will be a statement to the rest of the country that the Buckeyes mean business. There will be some tough tests. At Wisconsin is never easy, at Illinois will be tough, but Penn St. has no chance, and Michigan has no chance (editor again, what about The Ohio's!). When the smoke clears, the Buckeyes will be 12-0 and hoisting the trophy in Miami.

Well, that was pretty fun. I hope you all enjoyed it. I don't apologize for my Buckeye bias. I am sure all the lame insults will come in the comments and I am ready for it. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of The Money Shot I am blocked from access it at work so I will not be able to respond until tonight. So I will need my fellow Buckeyes out there to step up for me and defend the honor of the Scarlet and Gray. Editor one more time, don't you dare go crazy again, Li'l Strut.

Hey G$, can I get that picture of Tebow and that smoking hot chick to accompany this post? Editor's awesome note, done and done.

While his opinions suck, his request for this picture more than makes up for that. We're over halfway though "guest post" week and I'm very pleased with the results thus far. I may take blogging vacations more. But enough about my laziness, I've got to start focusing on my TailGREAT in Oxford tomorrow night. Fuck Vanderbilt. Thanks, Damman, we've got The Wig Master going tomorrow and Wobbler on Friday to end the week in style.

***Yet another edit, Jim Tressel is a sack of shit that instills no off-field discipline on his team. I write about it here...go ahead, try and defend your boy on this one.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 2

If you didn't like yesterday's Buckeye love/Matt Millen hate fest, you're going to love this post. Today, we are lucky enough to be joined by one third of The Money Shot's legal counsel...Mr. G-Saul. When not refreshing my site numerous times a day to see if I've updated eventhough he knows that I only post once and it's in the morning, our guest lector is a jack of all trades. He is an HD-TV connoisseur and borderline snob about it, a lover of Tuna Helper, and also is in possession of some nude photos of former Michigan coach, Gary Moeller, which may or may not have had anything to do with his exit from Ann Arbor. If you can't tell, this is written from a Michigan fans perspective so it should be much more rational than yesterday's (and tomorrow's) guest posts. It's all you, kind sir...

G-Saul's Top 5
1. USC
Pete Carroll does not rebuild, he just reloads. While I believe that his teams the past couple seasons have underachieved, I think this group will overachieve this year. Any possible threat on the schedule this season – OSU, Oregon, Arizona State, and Cal – all have to travel to the Coliseum. Mark Sanchez and Joe McKnight should be lights out on offense, and Rey Maualuga is the best linebacker in the nation (yes, better than Mr. Laurinaitis). Also, I do not think many people know this fact, but USC has two weeks to prepare for OSU – they have a bye week on September 6. Look for USC to be playing for the BCS championship.

2. Clemson
The ACC is weak this year, and Clemson does not have to play Va. Tech in the regular season. Tommy Bowden has been pulling insane recruiting classes the last couple years, and I think this is the year that the Tigers get over the hump. I do not see them losing in the regular season, but a possible match up with Va. Tech in the ACC championship game could be the only hurdle. It’s not that I think Clemson is this good, I just do not see anyone on their schedule that can bring them down.

3. Georgia
Georgia has the talent this year to go all the way, but lofty expectations and a brutal schedule never seem to add up to success. Seriously, have you seen their schedule this year? They play six top 25 teams, with three of those in the top 10. They will stumble somewhere along the way, but a one loss (or even two loss) SEC team should still have a strong argument for BCS championship consideration.

4. Ohio State
Even if OSU only loses to USC this season, they should not be ranked higher than fourth. As the last two years have demonstrated, going undefeated in the Big Ten is not the feat that it once was back in the day. Plus, I think everyone wants to save OSU fans from having to endure that pain and suffering for three years in a row. While I respect seniors who shun the NFL’s millions and who come back to school (Laurinaitis and Malcolm Jenkins), they will not have a happy ending to their careers.

5. Texas Tech
Winning the Big 12 South is going to be tough with the likes of Texas and Oklahoma, (plus an away game against Kansas on the schedule), but I think this is the year that the Red Raiders break out. Their offense is going to be the real deal. You will be hearing “Harrell to Crabtree” a ton this season. Also, their defense is rumored to be much better as a result of some JUCO transfers. I’m predicting a top 5 finish.

Most Overrated
Winner: Ohio State. Period. Question: Who got out-coached by both Ron Zook and Les Miles last year? Answer: Jim Tressel. Let’s not forget the 41-14 loss to Urban Meyer and the Florida Gators in 2006, almost the same team that was beaten by Lloyd Carr and Michigan in 2007. In 2005, Mack Brown and the burnt Orange came into your own house and left with the W (a game that I attended and thoroughly enjoyed, the Shoe sounded like a funeral afterward). Also, do not forget that OSU lost to a team that year coached by the rotting corpse of Joe Paterno during the “White Out.” The year 2004 included impressive losses to Northwestern, Wisconsin, Iowa, and Purdue. In 2003, the Bucks lost a chance to repeat their bogus national championship at the hands of Lloyd Carr. Yes, the same Lloyd Carr that lost to App. State last year. And everyone knows that the 2002 team should have lost 5 games that year – Cincinnati, Purdue, Illinois, Michigan, and Miami. Tressel’s only bowl wins have come against the likes of Oklahoma State, Kansas State, and Notre Dame (I cannot count the Miami Fl win because a certain ineligible player scored the winning TD, and there was a phantom pass interference call). Congratulations Ohio State, at least you always are on the center stage with all of the nation watching when you produce your greatest letdowns! Editor's note, come on, you've proved your point...reel it back in.
Runner-Up: Oklahoma. When was the last time Bob Stoops won a bowl game?

Most Underrated
Nebraska. The Big 12 North is not as strong as the South. I like the Bo Pelini hiring and I think he will have this team back up near the top of the conference even this year. Pelini is a defensive guru and will have the “black shirts” back to playing solid defense. I would not look past this Cornhuskers team if they are on my schedule.

This Year’s Kansas
Kansas was a fraud last year. They did not have to play Texas, Oklahoma, or Texas Tech last season. That is a joke! If they had a real schedule last year, they would have been 8-4 and we would not even have this category (which is why I’m protesting and not predicting a team). Editor's note, poop in your fist!

The First Coach Fired
Charlie Weis, Notre Dame: Notre Dame was 21-15 from 2002-04 and 22-15 from 2005-07, but the only difference is that Tyrone Willingham was shit-canned and FUPA Weis was granted a 10-year contract extension. I think most people know where I stand on affirmative action, but is there any more of a double standard than the one at Notre Shame? Charlie Weis is a horrible coach, and I hope he does not get fired because he will run their program into the ground. But another losing season this year is only going to make the seat hotter. Oh yeah, and mark down October 25 ladies and gents, Notre Dame travels to Washington to take on Willingham and the Huskies in a night game – a loss that could unleash his critics.

Bold Predictions
*If Ohio State gets by USC on September 13, then the other set of Trojans the following week may get overlooked. The Trojans of Troy come to Columbus on September 20, and I have two tickets to this game so I can witness the upset. The long travel and hangover from a night-game victory at the Coliseum will take a toll on the Buckeyes, and Troy is no stranger to big-time competition. Three of Troy’s four losses last year came against Arkansas, Florida, and Georgia. This year, Troy plays LSU before taking on OSU. I believe Troy is the only team in the nation that has both the 2007 national championship teams on its schedule. Troy will not be afraid to take on the Buckeyes after playing the team that handed OSU a 38-24 beat down in the Sugar Bowl last year (I just had to get another reminder in there). Appalachian State will be a distant memory. I can see the shirts already – “Remember Troy?” Editor's note yet again, I would totally buy one of those.
*For some reason, and I really have no idea as to why, but I think Duke will make it to a bowl game this year.
*Bobby Bowden 373, Joe Paterno 372. That’s the career wins and neither is going to retire until the other steps down. But, my bold prediction is that Paterno dies this fall, resulting in Bowden leaving at the end of the season as the winningest NCAA football coach.

Heisman Winner:
Winner: Michael Crabtree, WR Texas Tech: I realize that a WR has not won the Heisman since Desmond Howard in 1991, but this kid is amazing. He had 134 receptions, nearly 2,000 yards receiving, and 22 receiving TD’s as a FRESHMAN last year. I know he ran back a couple punts for TD’s also. I’m sick of this award always going to QB’s and RB’s, and I think this is the guy to bring it back to a WR.
Runner-Up: Tim Tebow, QB Florida: This is where I will reveal facts to OSU fans about their OVERRATED Archie Griffin. Ole’ Archie only scored a TOTAL of 26 TD’s in his entire four-year career at OSU, and he actually rushed for LESS yards the second year he won the Heisman (1,620 vs. 1,357). Tebow had 23 rushing TD’s last year as a QB and almost 900 yards. He also threw for 32 TD’s, contributing to 55 TD’s total. How many passing TD’s did Archie have at OSU? The sad thing is that in today’s era, Tebow will have to top those amazing stats to win a second Heisman, whereas Archie sucked his senior year and they still handed him the award. Tebow (did I mention he is a WHITE QB?) almost had as many rushing TD’s in one season as Archie did in his entire career!! If Tebow does not win #2, then the fraud that is Archie Griffin should have to give his second Heisman to Tebow.

BCS Title Game
USC 35, Clemson 14

Uh oh, calling out Archie Griffin might just fire up the comments on this post. But, that's what we want. We want controversy. People call me an idiot everyday...time for you to feel the wrath as well, G-Saul. We're back with more Ohio State love tomorrow.

Monday, August 25, 2008

College Football Preview Week: Day 1

As I've mentioned before, I'm taking the week off. But on my way out the door, I'm handing over the keys to the car to some of my most beloved commenters and gay night club frequenters. It's a week of college football previews from 5 different perspectives. Today, we hear from Ohio State Alum, Drew. Drew prides himself on his ability to drink way too much, formerly ran the sickest buffet line in upscale restaurant history, and if presented with the situation, would spend the rest of his life on a deserted island with Matt Millen. Take it away, Drew...

Drew's Top 5
1.) Ohio State -- Stunning.....I know. But, how can you not pick the team that over-achieved the year before and brings back every starter except a FB, DE and OT. This team also has three top ten picks in next year's draft and as many as possibly six first round picks. So, in short there isn't another team in the country with this team's senior-laden talent and returning starters. Plus, it's my favorite team so I want them to be number one.

2.) Oklahoma -- That's right. I'm picking the two teams that have been whooped in their BCS games the last two years as my top two teams. They have the second best offense in the Big 12 (Texas Tech has the best as much as I hate to say it),plus they get Texas, Texas Tech and Kansas at home....and dodge Mizzou on the regular season slate. Lastly, if this happens then the SEC is shut out of the national championship game which would be borderline the greatest thing ever and might throw us into another civil war.

3.) Georgia -- First of all, congrats to Georgia for scheduling an away game outside of the southeast for the first time in over a decade. Somebody finally grew some testicles with their out of conference football scheduling. This team is probably the team closest in amount of talent to Ohio State. Big problem though....Away games against South Carolina, Arizona State, LSU, and Auburn.....PLUS, home games against Tennessee and Florida. They are damn good...but if you are going to run that schedule you better be DAMN good. They will slip up at least once and probably twice.

4.) USC – No team in the country has as many five-star recruits on their roster as USC. Just to show how ridiculous it is…..Starting QB Mark Sanchez just went down with a knee injury and is iffy for the first game at Virginia. So, who pops up to take his place? Former five-star and University of Arkansas QB Mitch Mustain, who just happened to go 8-0 as a Freshman in the SEC. That’s ridiculous. But, they will lose to Ohio State (I’ve got a ticket to the game….they better lose) and treat the rest of the Pac-10 like a bunch of rag dolls as they gain experience throughout the year.

5.) Clemson – I love this team. Tons of speed….great RB’s….lots of returning starters and an absolutely horrible ACC Conference to play against. They are going to run away with this conference and I’m honestly surprised that there isn’t more talk of the very real possibility of them going undefeated. Look at their schedule?!? There are a couple of potential tough games, but there isn’t a single game on their schedule where they won’t be favored.

Most overrated team
Most overrated team in the nation goes to the team with the most overweight coach in the nation, your Kansas Jayhawks (apologies to Charlie Weis). This school did something to sell their soul to the college sports gods for 2007-08, by having the only good football team they’ve ever had and then the comeback to win a national championship in basketball. It can’t happen again. They are ranked # 13 right now….they will not finish the season ranked. Mark that down….Kansas will never be good at football again. It’s like if Minnesota ever went to a BCS Bowl. You just know they are going to be complete garbage the next year.

Most underrated team
I feel kind of like I’m copping out with this one since it’s the popular pick, but I’m going with Texas Tech who is # 14 right now. They are going to average around 50 points a game and their best players this year, are the same ones that ran that offense all last year. I think Oklahoma has the ability to beat them in a shoot out, but who else does in the Big 12? I’m not sure there is another one….I don’t think Chase Daniel and Mizzou can keep up either. This is the year that they get to a BCS bowl and just put up ridiculous numbers every week while on that course.

This year's Kansas that comes out of nowhere
Michigan State…..This is kind of a weird pick, but to be “This year’s Kansas” it has to be a team that is unranked right now and Michigan State is as good as any of them I guess. IF they can get past a road game at Cal in week one, then they will most likely be 7-0 before Ohio State heads to Lansing. Let’s say they have a good showing against the Buckeyes and only lose by say….35 points…then they will still be around # 12 in the country after beating Michigan the next week. So, I’m going with Sparty and Dantonio.

The first coach fired
After losing back to back games to Syracuse and Temple and soiling himself during each one, Joe Paterno finally gives into the pressure and "resigns". His only request is that he gets to name his replacement and promises that it will be a person with Penn State blood. The trustees and athletic department quickly agree as they figure nobody will be worse than Joe. The next day at the press conference JoePa tells how the new coach is one of the smartest players he ever had at Penn State and has even translated his football knowledge into quite the NFL career. He then introduces Matt Millen as the new head coach of Penn State football...the same Matt Millen that has racked up a 31-81 record as General Manager of the Detroit Lions over the last seven years. Every single member of the media falls out of their chairs laughing...Schools and Businesses in Detroit close for the day as people take to the streets for a huge party...and a procession of students, alumni and faculty race to the top of Nittany Lion Stadium to jump off of it as fast as they can. Please happen, Please happen, Please happen. (Editor's note, this sounds a lot like a Greg Giraldo "Ripple of Evil")

3 bold predictions (something that shows some balls)
*Tim Tebow will come out of the closet as a homosexual. The Indonesian country that he performed circumcisions on orphans will them have him extradited to their country for pedophilia suspicion.
*Notre Dame will win eight games this year.
*Terrelle Pryor will have three touchdowns somehow against Michigan, causing Dick Rod to have a complete melt-down on the sideline as he watches his own slow white QB get killed play after play by the Buckeye defense. At some point after the game he will be shown a diagram of how a square peg can not fit into a round hole, which is exactly what the theme of his offense will be this year.

Heisman winner
Chris “Beanie” Wells – 3,456 yds this year (yup, that’s 288 yds a game) They will then rename the Heisman after him, since it will be proven this year that his stiff arm is tougher than the statue’s namesake. Tebow will be able to attend via satellite from the Phillipines wearing a Gator orange jumpsuit.

BCS Title Game and Winner
Ohio State vs. Oklahoma – Ohio State wins 37-9. We win because we are the best.

Thanks, Drew. As a reward for your hard work, the fantasy team that you drafted yesterday will finish 10th in my league. More tomorrow and I promise, it's not pro-Ohio State at all...

Friday, August 22, 2008

5 Rules For Your Draft

Once again, it's Fantasy Football Friday here at Das Money Shot. This is the 4th and final installment of my free advice regarding the aforementioned topic. We've already talked about my top 5, who I like, and who I'm not so sure about. Today, it's more of a general topic. Most of us are pros when it comes to running a successful fantasy war room on draft day, but there are likely a few novices that are going to read this as well. And since I'm a generous fellow, let me help you out. Here's 5 tips to make sure that you are one step closer to the playoffs before the first kickoff even takes place.

My hatred toward all of the other NFC East teams has been well chronicled. Likely, Browns and Bengals fans in the area hate each other as well as the Steelers. But this is fantasy, ya dumbass. Eventhough I despise the bitch, ol' G$ isn't going to pass on Tony Romo if he's available and at a good value. Why? Because he can really help my team! On the flip side, guys that play on your favorite team aren't necessarily good fantasy options. About a month ago, a buddy of mine called me asking for drafting advice as this was his first year doing it. I gave him this exact same advice. Two nights later, I get a text saying that he took Brett Favre in the second round (he's a Packers fan by the way). Don't let your biases cloud your judgment. We all hate the Patriots but you damn sure better be trying to get one of them on your roster. Draft with your head, not with your heart. And if you take someone that you normally hate and he fucks you over, it's all good because you hated him already.

I mentioned this last week, there is no reason to reach during your draft. If you like rookie RB, Kevin Smith, he's still going to be there in round 5 so you can probably avoid the ridicule from picking him in the 3rd. When in doubt, go with the guy with the proven track record. If you're sitting there deciding between Darren MacFadden and Brandon Jacobs, you KNOW what Jacobs is going to do. He's a vulture when it comes to goalline carries. McFadden is obviously a sexy pick, but we really don't know anything about him as a pro yet. As I mentioned last week, don't be the guy that takes Antonio Gates way too early either. Playing it safe isn't always the most desired route, but most of the time you will make the right choice if you just be patient.

Is there anything worse than that guy at your draft who is always asking to look at your research or trying to draft a guy in the 10th round that was picked in the 2nd round or is completely clueless when it comes to the late rounds of your draft. In my fantasy baseball league this year, our league idiot tried to draft a guy that was already drafted...4 rounds earlier by himself. Look, every pick is important and thus you should come prepared. Everytime someone asks me to look at my stuff, they get a very rude "no" from me. We're playing this for money and I've got players earmarked, I don't want you looking at my stuff. Now I'm not saying that you should hole yourself down in Hitler's bunker for a week breaking down offensive red zone tendencies, but at least go buy a magazine that has every player listed. And cross those fuckers off when they get picked. Yeah, buddy, Adrian Peterson is still available in the 5th round...ass. If you play your cards right, Tom Brady may still be there come the 15th round as well.

We all love to brag about how we have Peyton Manning on our squad and pretty much pencil in a playoff appearance. Yep, he's going to get us a steady 32 TD's and now all you need to do is just get some decent filler players. But no so fast, Lee Corso. For the past however many years, Dickhead Dungy has sat your bread-winner during the fantasy playoffs to rest him for the real playoffs. What a prick! How dare he put himself ahead of your team. Knowing that going into your draft, you should probably stock your bench with another decent QB as opposed to saying, fuck it, I'm never going to need my back-up anyway, I'll just take Alex Smith. Also, look at who your best players will be going against in the last few weeks. You don't want to be stuck with a playoff team that has a few guys playing at Buffalo in December during your Super Bowl. Maybe that isn't a draft strategy to plan that far ahead, but you need to always have your head on a swivel. Because you should always consider potential trades that may be proposed down the road.

Boys, this is truly one of the greatest days of the year. A fantasy football draft is almost perfect. There are no nagging women around, plenty of off-color dick jokes to go around, and likely a King's ransom in alcohol if you so choose to partake. Have fun. Don't be the asshole with his face buried in his magazine trying to uncover some 14th round sleeper that isn't going to pan out. Relax and make fun of people. Make fun of your own team. But, there is a fine line. You don't want to be so loose that you look like Homer here. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get drunk, but you also have to keep your eyes on the prize. Last year, by the end of our marathon 5+ hour auction-style draft, commenter stonybrown ended the draft drooling, trying to chug a big glass of straight Blue Curacao because it was the only hard alcohol left in the house, and with about $12 worth of Jaegermeister on his t-shirt. It was funny but at the same time--you know, I was going to say it was sad but it wasn't, it was fucking priceless. To guys, fantasy football drafts are like Christmas morning for kids. Enjoy yourself. If it means that you have to apologize to your significant other the next morning, fuck it. Who cares? The same damn thing is going to happen next year anyway.

Well, there you have it. I hope I helped somewhat. As I said, this is the last post from me (maybe one late next Thursday night when I get back from the Vanderbilt/RedHawks game) until September 2nd. As I've stated all week, the inmates are running the asylum all next week. Expect guest posts from some of my finest commenters in a full week tribute to college football. Monday, we get the week started off right with a diatribe by Drew. See you all after Labor Day...try to stay out of jail.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm Having A "Hatred Epiphany"

First of all, no sports talk today. The reason being that I've finally realized something that had been bothering me for the past two years. I had thought about it before, but only yesterday did I realize that it was what I had been seeking for my entire life. You see, I pretty much hate going into work everyday (like all Americans should). I used to believe that all my co-workers were just a bunch of bumbling dumbfucks and that that was the reason for my often surly demeanor. I blamed all of them and considered to be one and the same. But that was not true...and now I know it. There is only one person that tries to push me over the edge these days and today I'm going to let you get to know her a little. She's my version of Debbie Downer except that she isn't funny at all and makes Rachel Dratch look like Anna Kournikova.

I hate the twat that I share a cubicle wall with.

I know, I know, we all have that one person at our job that drives us insane and sucks the life out of any situation. It's like Michael on The Office--he isn't funny anymore and ruins everyone's time. My Michael is the cunt on the other side of the wall. Let me give you a laundry list of things that she does that drives me crazy:

1. If I accidentally handle one of her files (do you really think that I'm lining up to do someone else's work?), she immediately will run and tell my boss on me. That leads to the boss coming over and saying, "G$, can you just stick to working your files only?" Fuck that shit, it's like the Soup Nazi dealing with Elaine. If I would have known that the armoire/file was for you, I would have burned the thing.

2. She's one of those broads that constantly talks about her kids. Is there anything more annoying than that. Guess what? THEY AREN'T FUCKING SPECIAL. She will honestly sit with my boss (my cube is between them) and talk about her kids for an hour at a time. All the while I'm just sitting here trying to focus on my masturbating! People can be so rude.

3. A massive rash rendered her worthless for over a week but she still showed up everyday and complained constantly. Listening to someone talk about her skin conditions is the next best thing to Milk of Magnesia if you want to induce vomiting.

4. The aforementioned rash made her hands swell (I'm not kidding, she's that big of a weirdo) which lead to countless complaints of typing difficulties. A giant, hand-swelling rash? Will you marry me?

5. Every fucking morning between 8-9, she will call her house and wake up her husband like she works at a goddamn hotel front desk. Apparently, he has never heard of an alarm clock. This is also followed up by another call to make sure he's up, a call from him in which they fight, and finally a fourth call in which they make up and say that they love each other. It's like me showing up to work at least 5 minutes late no matter the circumstances. Every fucking day...without fail.

6. She owns somewhere between 8-10 cats. There has never been a person that collected cats that wasn't crazy. It's like the Eleanor "Cat Lady" Abernathy from The Simpsons. And you better believe that there is a story behind each and every cat that she has. Chances are, I've heard them all, too.

7. She actually takes No-Doz everyday. I'm not kidding. Were they out of Vivarin or Yellow Jackets? Look, either learn to enjoy coffee or start snorting cocaine if you want to stay awake. Pep pills are so white trash.

8. Finally, she is just flat out disgusting. In appearance, in attitude, in social situations--she sucks at them all. Take for example Tuesday morning, we have a little meeting because one of the guys was quitting. Instead of letting my boss talk about how we would deal with that, she starts the meeting with a recap of a conversation that she had the night before with her neighbor. She is the most selfish person that I have ever met.

I CAN NOT FUCKING STAND THIS WOMAN. Every god damn day I hope that she calls in sick. But you see, there is the rub. The problem with that is is if she's gone, your old buddy G-Funk has to pick up all of her work. That's not fair at all when you think about it. She's the one that sucks.

I would like to thank you for sitting through this rage-induced soapbox today. If you have any hilarious tales of co-worker douchebaggery, feel free to share them in the comments. In closing, I'd like to leave you with a little advice that has helped me to deal with the general annoyances in life that anger up the blood...
"Annoying people: can't live with 'em and they can't pee standing up"--Rube Baker

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Bela Karolyi feels that this blog is getting hosed by those damn, dirty judges" Edition. Yes. Yes! YESSSSS!!!! That man is magic. And I'm sorry to see he and Rowdy Gaines go away.

***Only 8 more and you qualify for a Troy Aikman Card - During Monday night's demolition of the trendy Browns at the hands of the Super Bowl Champs, Derek Anderson was on the receiving end of a concussion. Welcome to the NFC East, bitch. Now, it's being called minor right now but if you're a Browns fan, you can already see the bad luck sweeping in off of Lake Erie. Last season, the Brownies caught a lot of breaks and captured lightning in a bottle with the success of DA. And it still wasn't good enough to beat out Vince fucking Young for a playoff birth. And if the other night was any indication at all, this team probably isn't as good as the NFL gurus wanted us to believe. The stalwart offensive line from last year was bullied beyond belief by Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora. Their secret weapon, Josh Cribbs, went off wearing a boot. One of their team leaders, Andra Davis, is throwing punches during a preseason game. And those cornerbacks are fucking terrible. They got toasted in one quarter+ of action last night by garbage players; what's going to happen in week one when Romo and T.O come to town? I'm not writing off the Browns (surprise, surprise) because that division is pretty weak and the Steelers schedule is a damn mine field. But they need to come out a little sharper over the next two preseason games just to get some confidence back. 8-8 might be good enough to win the North this season. The Browns are still pretty good and this still is preseason, but if you're going to strap on the pads on MNF, you need to be more focused and game-ready than that.

***Jim Tressel hates the paparazzi, kids as well - Monday evening, the Ohio State football team held a scrimmage that was open to the fans...kind of. Fans were barred from bringing cameras in and would be stoned to death if they asked any player for an autograph. Well, the last part isn't entirely true, Tressel did prohibit autographs but only ate the souls of those that disobeyed. I think he then puked it up and sold it to Milhouse for $5. I'm not certain though. Anyway, back to the point, what is the big fucking deal here? First of all, the only people that go to practices and scrimmages are fucking losers with nothing better to do (did you see Todd's Boeckman form during his jumping jacks...AMAZING!) but they also happen to be some of the biggest fans. And Tress rewards them by completely ignoring them? That doesn't sound right. What's the big deal if a dad wants to get a picture of his kids at the stadium? Or when the players are done with practice, why can't they sign a few big foam fingers for some little bastard? Wait a minute--got it--Tress wants his players to be incredibly focused...on getting embarrassed on the big stage for the third year in a row. ZING! Not even remotely funny but sometimes the truth makes for the best punchline.

***Go back into hiding, teenage girls of Cincinnati - The Bengals have resigned Chris Henry proving that they really might be the worst run organization in the world. Even worse than the IOC. Let's remember that when they cut him earlier this Summer, they organization said that it is in a "Win NOW" situation in Cincy and the only way to do that was to get rid of the trash. I get that, it's actually commendable. Soooooo exactly why was Henry brought back into the fold again? Did the team decide to go with a "Lose Now" approach? And although TJ and Ocho Pricko are a bit dinged up at the moment, HE CAN'T PLAY UNTIL AT LEAST WEEK 5! The Bengals are a fucking joke. If LA wants a team back, I recommend taking the Bengals. Mike Brown has no clue and clearly Carson Palmer hates Ohio anyway. Go ahead, Los Angeles, you can have them. Chris Henry would probably have more fun with the teenage broads out there.

***"Pavano" is Italian for "get the golf clubs out" - Oh yeah! It's looking like Saturday will be the triumphant return to Yankee Stadium for one Mr. Carl Pavano! Barring some miraculous winning streak that no one can see possibly happening, this is probably the final nail in the coffin for my Yankees. The one guy that pretty much defines how inept the Yankees have been over the past few seasons, is coming back for one last booing. I really don't know what else to say besides the fact that this season has just been one gigantic sigh. Nothing surprises me anymore. Even Brian Cashman going to the pet cemetery and digging up Fredo the bird, I mean, Pavano doesn't shock me. Carl Pavano...say it with me, CARL PAVANO. Ugh, I hate baseball.

***The cops had to have been chasing him - Eventhough swimming and gymnastics are over, track and field is still going on in Beijing. And we have a new fastest man on the planet who goes by the name of Usain Bolt. Track is different from the previous sports mentioned because there is no chance in hell that I will get engrossed in it. Not everyone can swim or do backflips, but everybody can run. Anyway, Bolt is kind of a prick with his showboating and whatnot. Who really cares though, the guy is from Jamaica and if my stereotypes are correct, and they usually are, he will spend the rest of his days smoking pot, drinking Red Stripe, and stealing the wallets of tourists. So let the thief have his gold's just going to get stolen anyway.

***Why don't you go back to your home on No-Boob Island - Sad news to all 20-30 something males...Kelly Bundy has had both of her jugs removed due to breast cancer in one, prevention for the other. Man, that kind of sucks. Definitely for her but what about all of us that grew up loving Kelly Bundy? I grew up with those bouncy delights. Now, at least until she gets some implants (she said that she would), Kelly looks like a Chinese gymnast. And that makes my wee-wee unhappy. She deserves a good string of luck though. I wish her the best with her show, Samantha Why Is This On The Air Still, and her battle to defeat cancer permanently. I just hope that when she gets her silicone put in, she goes to a qualified professional and not Dr. Chim Richelds.

Alright, that's enough for today. I've got two more posts until a massive blogging vacation. As I mentioned before, don't fret, we've got a whole slew of guest posts lined up for next week. I mean, they will suck compared to my daily sicktitude, but give some of my most dedicated readers/commenters a break. They don't have their own blogs and this is a chance for them to feel like they've made a difference in this world. They won't, but it would be a nice gesture until Big Daddy (not Paul Keels) gets back.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Thumbs Up: Brian Kelly

Sometimes it just feels like the sports Gods are smiling down on you. That they finally punish the undeserving and allow us to wallow in the misfortune that they created. What am I talking about, you ask? Well, Sunday night in Cincinnati, the Gods gave us our comeuppance over a self-involved bag of dicks. And while I normally find it pathetic when fans cheer because a player gets injured, I couldn't help but smile for this one. I haven't been this excited over an injury since Troy Aikman's brain turned to mush thanks to Lavar "10 time NFL leader in stupid offsides penalties" Arrington's shoulder and forearms. Anyway, "Future Hall of Famer" truly does deserve everything that he gets.

This week's BIG Thumbs Up goes to the awesomeness of Brian Kelly of the vaunted Lions Defense for his Sean Taylor-esque shot on Chad Johnson. This Brian Kelly, not the d-bag coach of the UC Bearcats by the way. Although every Brian Kelly in the world should be lining up to lay claim to this carnage:

Dammit, I couldn't find the video on YouTube to embed here so the link will have to do. You'll get over it. I'm a constant disappointment here anyway. It's almost as disappointing as the now defunct starter in my car. Sonsabitches.

Let's due a quick re-cap of Chad Johnson's week:

*Began the process of legally changing his last name to "Ocho Cinco"
Really? He is trying to change his name to fucking "Chad Ocho Cinco"? If I was a Mexican (knock on wood!), I would be pissed that he is associating himself forever with our language. Does anyone think that this guy's antics are even remotely funny anymore? Are the distractions really worth it? How have the Bengals not been contracted already?

*Was serious when he said that he could beat Michael Phelps in a swim-off
According to Chad Ocho Cinco, in his neighrbood growing up, there were numerous kids that were just as good as Phelps but never got the chance to pursue their talents in the pool. I wouldn't be surprised if a swimming Phelps could beat a running Chad. You know, some might think that Chad was just joking around here but if you saw the interview on PTI, he was dead serious. What a fucking idiot. Yeah, that will win you fans: blaming socioeconomic patterns as the reason that Phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time and your buddies aren't. I'm sure that their "work ethic" had nothing to do with it.

*Got jacked the fuck up as part of some cosmic payback to remind him that he really isn't that great
You know, the hit could have been a little harder and much more helmet-to-helmet, but this is Lions Defense that we're talking about and it's almost a miracle if they tackle anyone. Deep down, I wanted to see Chad Ocho Cinco writhing on the ground in pain when, in a WWE-style tactic, Robert Porcher runs on to the field and starts hitting Chad on his hurt shoulder with a steel chair. Then Wayne Fontes could have run out there and pissed on him...but that would only take place in a perfect world.

Again, kudos to you, Brian Kelly (Hell, I'm feeling generous, kudos to the entire LIONS DEFENSE), for doing the Lord's work. I wish that I could give you something better than a contract with the Lions, but unfortunately, you're stuck there. At least you already know that you are one of the most competent people in that entire organization. Oh well, if you play your cards right, The Fonz may hook you up with the Tescadero sisters. But for now at least, you will just have to settle on a double EHHHHH!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Michael Phelps: Too Ugly For Superstardom?

Be on the lookout because the Mark Spitz suicide watch is on full alert for the next 30+ days. If you have a pulse, chances are that you tuned in to watch some of Michael Phelps' (pictured with his dong) amazing efforts in Beijing this past week. Even this blogger, who normally finds swimming about as exciting as actually doing work at the office, was mesmerized by this beast's accomplishments. That was something special. The 100 meter whatever on Friday night was just freaking amazing. And it was really cool to be watching the relay race at a bar on Saturday night and the whole place exploding in cheers when the Americans won. Let me clarify, this was an Ohio State campus bar going nuts over a Wolverine triumph. The kid held America hostage this past week. No matter what you were doing, you put it down to watch him dominate in the water.

The only problem with all of this publicity for The Human Fish is that some jackass like Jeremy Schapp has posed the question that Phelps might be the best athlete of all time in any sport. It's an interesting theory and Phelps sure does have the hardware to back it up, but I just don't think that I could annoint him with that title. It has nothing to do with what sport he plays either. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of swimming and it took a monumental and historical performance to get me interested at all. But when it comes to the greatest and most talented athletes ever, we tend to think of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong and maybe even an Alex Rodriguez. Does Phelps fit into that category? Maybe, but let's dig a little deeper though...and by deeper, I mean, let's get superficial.

Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry was dating that one chick that looked hot on some days and the other days she was a complete mess? I believe that George called her a "Two-Face". You see, I get the same vibe from Michael Phelps. When he is preparing for a race, Phelps looks like a stone cold killer. But as soon as that race is over, he looks more like a dopier version of Tony Kornheiser. And I don't like that version of Phelps. He, too, is a Two-Face and that hurts his credibility with me. Allow me to make my case:

I respect his humility and he looks like a badass with that cap and those goggles on. I never thought that I would think/say that about anybody. He should wear that cap all the time. I also give him props for making one of the losers that raced against him fellate him in the pool in front of everybody. Joe Pesci in Casino would be proud, Michael.

Now here is some intensity. Look at the passion in his eyes and in his nipples. But his abs aren't symmetrical, dammit! He should see some sort of ab doctor about that. That can't be healthy. I'm pretty sure that this photo was taken after he polished off a 10,000 calorie dinner. Because if I ate all the stuff that he apparently eats everyday, this would be the exact same reaction that my colon would make. Wait a minute, maybe he's just trying to scare that black lady behind him. That would make sense...I know that I would want her to leave me alone.

Here we go, Nerd Alert. You know how some people are described as having a "smile that lights up a room"? I guess you could say that Phelps has a smile that results in a city-wide blackout. And it appears that he cuts his own hair. I can't respect that. Nobody goes from awesome to dorky as quickly as our new American hero.

Ah yes, the awkward double hand wave. Save that for the parades down the streets of beautiful Baltimore, buddy. Do you think that when Michael Jordan won a title he was accepting the Finals MVP award while holding onto a bouquet of flowers? I know that it's tradition, but you're Michael fucking Phelps! You don't have to carry roses around; you're a man, dammit! Fuck the Chinese and the IOC. They tried to screw over our gymnasts, dammit.

Isn't this exactly what you hate about American youth? Some dipshit wearing a crooked retro hat all the while looking like an absolute fuckstick? Phelps kind of looks like he could be twin brothers with Tim Lincecum. And Phelps would be the dweeby one. For God's sake, man, go see an orthodontist! Did his mother think that braces were evil or something when he was growing up? Look, everyone loves Joey Chestnut and his hot dog eating ways, but no one wants to have his snaggle-smile.

Do you see what I'm saying? When was the last time that a top-tier, world famous athlete was ugly*? When Michael is competing, he's an absolute badass. But when he's talking to Andrea Kremer and smiling on the podium, I cringe. Because for some reason, no one in his inner circle has advised him to see a dentist yet or advised him on any style at all. An American hero shouldn't look like the cover boy on "The Big Book Of British Smiles". I don't care how many medals or titles a person has won in their life. Ugly people automatically lose a few points in the credibility department in my book (why do I keep talking about books?).

So stop it, mainstream media. Stop the charade and the ridiculous argument that Michael Phelps is the greatest athlete of all time. He's far too pug fugly to accept that award and carry that torch. He's a great athlete and one hell of a competitor, but let's be honest, we're going to forget about him in two weeks anyway. Hell, the one thing that we remember about Spitz was his stellar porn-stache. In 20 years, we may only remember that hideous smile.

*Before you go all crazy accusing me of being jealous of the man's accomplishments, remember that this post was written by the most beautiful blogger on the planet. And I'm TOTALLY jealous about his success and the subsequent copious amounts of ass that he's pulling because of that.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Avoid These Fantasy Noid's

How about that, huh? A "Noid" reference. Didn't Domino's try to bring this little fucker back a few years ago? And speaking of crappy pizza, a Little Ceasar's opened up down the road from me a few months back. Disgusting. Mike Ilitch can eat a bag of dicks. Anyway, obviously it's Friday and we're still in August so it must be time to talk fantasy football again. We've discussed who the top 5 should be and also some hidden gems. Today we shine the proverbial spotlight on guys that I am very, very down on this year. Avoid these players like The Plague and smile knowing that somehow, I'll end up with all of these guys:

QB - Brett Favre
I have no idea why anyone would take Brett Favre in the first 8-10 rounds of a fantasy draft this year. One, he's older than dirt. Two, he only knows one offense and it's not the one that he's in now. Three, he was lucky last year because he was just as stupid as ever when it came to his decision-making/"gun-slinging". Four, the guy is a walking distraction. If I'm a Jets fan, sure, what a great deal and a massive upgrade behind center. But I'm not, I own a fantasy football team and I'm trying to win not make some old guy feel like he's still got it. I don't want to see my QB throw incompletion after incompletion because he and his WR's are not on the same page. Even known Favre cocksucker, Peter King, admits that Brett looks exhausted and he's already sitting out practices with a sore arm/vagina. I'd take him as a backup QB, but if he's your starter, you aren't going to the playoffs.

RB - Frank Gore
Look at the picture...those are two HUGE reasons why Frank Gore is going to suck this year. And that is a BEST case scenario for Gore. It sounds as if the 49ers are going to name JT or JP O'Sullivan it's man. Honestly, Frank Gore deserves much better than that. The guy runs his ass off and doesn't shy away from contact yet ever since he's been in the league, his QB's haven't been able to complete 5 yard passes consistently. I've seen on ESPN that Gore is the 6th ranked RB...are you serious? This is a MIKE FUCKING MARTZ offense. I wouldn't take him in the top 20.

WR - Plaxico Burress
He actually stayed healthy all of last year, which tends to happen when you don't practice all season. But now he's pissed about his contract and he's all about himself since he caught the Super Bowl-winning touchdown pass. When was the last time that someone built up an inflated sense of self-worth, cried about his contract, and actually lived up to expectations the following season? The Giants were the ultimate flukey team last year with their road successes and crappy play at home and that ends this year. Burress will probably end up playing in about 8 games due to "injuries". Don't kid yourself, if they get off to a rocky start, I wouldn't expect to see him on the field. As far as where he should be drafted, I would take him in the late 4th/early 5th but I wouldn't count on him to be my #1 WR.

TE - Antonio Gates
Boy, words can't describe how angry it makes me when I think about Gates' hoops days at Kent State. But for some reason, I like him as a football player. Unfortunately, not this fantasy year. He's still recovering from toe surgery. His QB not only sucks, but his sucky knee is coming off of surgery. The problem with Gates is that he is always overvalued. How do I know this? Because I'm the fucker that always drafts him in the 3rd round trying to outthink the room when in all actuality, everyone is laughing at me. There is no excuse for taking a TE in the third round. Or the 4th round. Or maybe even the 5th round. Barring an amazing season from someone, tight ends don't win or lose leagues for people. So I implore you to pass on taking Gates early, smirk at the douche who jumped at him (like me!), and enjoy the similar production that Dallas Clark or Chris Cooley provides 3 rounds later.

DEF - Da Bears
This unit is old. It's slow. It gets hurt every single damn season (I'm looking at you, Mike Brown). And that offense isn't going to help them stay off the field either. But yet your local league moron will always be proud to take them in the 8th round thinking that he just got a steal because "they have Brian Urlacher". Well, dumbass, Urlacher is getting up there in age. And the secondary sucks. In most leagues, Devin Hester returns don't even count toward defensive points anyway. Now, I'm not one of those guys that thinks you can just pluck a kicker and a defense in the last two rounds. I think you need to make sure that you get a kicker on an offense that will be pretty good and a defense with a good secondary. But neither should be drafted before you have a few quality backups. The Bears are staring down a 5-11 season though, so you should probably just let them go.

That was fun for me, yet likely brutal for you. Next week is the last installment for this series...eventhough it isn't the last weekend in August (I'll be getting to that later but can you say "GUEST POSTS"!). Anyway, for our 4th and final installment of this series, I give you 5 rules to live by for drafting a successful fantasy team. Don't believe me? I think my resume speaks for itself: 7 straight years of fifth place finishes with one championship sprinkled in there. I'm more than qualified.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Is Cliff Lee The Worst?

Allow me to introduce myself: I am what one might call a "pot-stirrer". I'm constantly surrounded by fans of Ohio sports teams yet I hate all of them (except for my Cavs, Mo Williams = championship?). Thus, I am forced to listen to the mindless drivel regarding "next year is our year" and "we've got some real talent in the minors" and "I root for Ohio State, do you want to fight me and my ten friends". This baseball season, though, has been a nice change of pace. The Reds and Indians are arguably the two worst teams in their respective leagues and their fans have long since begun talking only of football. But there is one turd that has risen above the punchbowl this season and that man is Cliff Lee.

Barring some catastrophic misfortune the likes of which have never been seen before, Lee is going to win the Cy Young award in the American League. The only real competition, in my opinion, was squashed Tuesday night by Mariano Rivera blowing his first save of the year (the competition being Mike Mussina, who was also left for dead this offseason much like Lee, and not Mo). So let's all agree that Clifton Lee is going to win this award. And I really hate to admit that, too, because I've always felt that he sucks. The guy was pitching in Buffalo last year for God's sake! The point of today's post is to determine if Lee would be the worst recipient of the Cy Young Award since my birth in 1980. The contenders:

1981 Fernando Valenzuela (Dodgers), 13-7, 2.48
How did they let this happen? Obviously, I was only 1 during this season, but how can a pitcher with only 13 wins be named the best? Was the National League just as shitty then as it is now? Valenzuela was a fairly solid pitcher over the course of his career but I think he ate himself out of the league. But that's what happens when you smother yourself in guacamole before you take the bump every 5 days.

2003 Eric Gagne (Dodgers), 55 saves, 1.20
Don't get me wrong, this was a season of complete DOMINATION for the French Canadian. But knowing now about what he did to himself back then, it puts a massive red flag on annointing Gagne's 2003 season as immortal as far as closers go. Even setting aside the fact that he did copious amounts of performance-enhancing drugs, it's been less than 5 years and he's now one of the worst relievers in the sport. At least we always knew that Bobby Thigpen was incredibly lucky, Gagne had us fooled back then.

1993 Jack McDowell (White Sox), 22-10, 3.37
I actually kind of liked McDowell but I can pinpoint exactly when he lost his confidence as a pitcher. When he was with the Yankees and gave up the hit in the '95 ALDS to Edgar Martinez to lose the series...ugh, that was the last time that a sporting event made me cry. I'm serious, it broke my heart. Anyway, he is also known for flipping off the Yankee faithful after getting his ass boo'ed off the field after one dreadful start. As far as his Cy Young season, any time you have double digit losses, you shouldn't get the award. I like the name "Jack McDowell" though; kind of makes him sound like an Irish assassin or some other cool job.

1996 Pat Hentgen (Blue Jays), 20-10, 3.22
I've been sitting at my desk for the last 15 minutes trying to figure out how Pat Hentgen won a Cy Young award. I mean, just on face value, the numbers are pretty good. But how could anyone devalue their vote by saying "Yep, Hentgen is the best pitcher in the league this season". I don't even think that the Jays were good that season (I will absolutely not research stats of the '96 Blue Jays). This is about as bad as Pat Listach winning Rookie of the Year as far as the "some random guy coming out of nowhere" scenario goes.

2002 Barry Zito (A's), 23-5, 2.75
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I am old enough to remember when Zito was actually a frontline starting pitcher in baseball. I'm not joking, kids, it's true. Now you young punks only know him as the worst starter in baseball over the past two years, but it happened. Zito had great numbers that season but has managed to get worse and worse with each dollar he makes. It's bizarre. No, not that he sucks, but that his agent conned some stupid GM into giving his client 126 million.

2005 Bartolo Colon (Angels), 21-8, 3.48
This fat fuck should have never won it in the first place. If Colon was the best option that the AL had, they should have just abstained from giving out the award that year. The guy has always been in worse physical shape than David Wells. He pitched in goddamn Pawtucket for a stretch this year and he's about as durable as one-ply toilet paper. Like I said, they should have just sat on the award that year and given two awards to Johan Santana in 2006. You know, like a Cy Young Skins game. That would have made more sense than honoring baseball's version of country virtuoso, Roy Clark.

So where does Clifton from Benton, Arkansas stack up amongst these titans? I actually have to eat some crow here because looking at Lee's numbers over his entire career, he really isn't that bad. I think he's something like 30 games over .500 which absolutely blew my mind. Now he is absolutely not a great pitcher and definitely hasn't earned the right to have his career validated with this award, but looking at some of the wastes that have won this before, he definitely isn't the worst. I guess if I had to rank these 7 from not deserving to a complete fucking embarrassment to the game, I would go:

McDowell, Valenzuela, Lee, Hentgen, Gagne, Zito, and The Dominican Michelin Man, Colon

So there you go, Tribe fans. This is me throwing you a bone. I am admitting that Cliff Lee is not nearly as bad as I thought he was. There have been much, much worse. Now you can all sit back and enjoy this post for the next 11 months before the next fire sale that GM Mark Shapiro throws.