Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I am aware that this space is usually reserved for The Middle Finger. But not this week, my friends. No, I'm not too angry right now and I'm actually feeling a tad satisfied. It could be because I just took off my shoes and socks in my cubicle, but mostly, it's because we get to talk about Ohio State fans again.
First things first, I am absolutely 100% not a fan of today's instigator. I think he's the most overrated quarterback in the league. He's great to have on a fantasy football team but has yet to prove that you want him as the QB on your real team. He's won exactly as many playoff games since coming into the NFL as I have. We have also finished the same amount of postseason offensive possessions. It's easy for fans to excuse his mediocre play by blaming the defense, which is partly true, but Peyton has led his team to the playoffs for what feels like the past decade with a crappy defense. It can be done. So that being said, you will never see me apologize for the former #1 pick and Heisman Trophy winner. It's time for him to put up or shut up. But don't shut up just yet. Your recent quotes are more delicious than a John Morrell hot dog.
This week's inaugural recipient of the Mike Utley Thumbs Up Award goes to Carson Palmer.
Let's get right to it; Palmer (pictured doing what he does best: deepthroating a sausage) was on some radio station in SoCal recently and kinda/sorta went off on Ohio's most popular team (besides the RedHawks obviously):
"I cannot stand the Buckeyes. It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf. I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten."
Well...that's not pulling any punches or sugar-coating anything. Clearly, Palmer is in the same boat as the rest of us Americans that feature IQ's over 14. But I, as well as the rest of the world, am curious as to why these things were said. I mean, I'm allowed to say that because I'm Joe Cubicle who posts under a moniker. I'm not an extremely public figure in a state filled with people that are/were his fans but now detest him (at least for the time being). It doesn't make sense. Well, almost...
Carson finally reached his boiling point. Buckeye fans are so grating and annoying that he finally snapped. They are like herpes. it doesn't matter what you do or what medicine you take, those sumbitches are going to keep popping up at the wrong times and suck the life out of you.
It's kind of like Christmas time when you were growing up. Every year, you asked your grandma to give you some ankle socks (talking about anything but OSU) but for ten straight holiday seasons, it was nothing but plain white tube socks (talking about them). You always reminded her that you didn't that style, but she kept buying them for you anyway. But you grow up and you forget about it. Then all of a sudden, 15 years later, your underage Thai prostitute (SoCal radio show) knocks on your hotel room door wearing thigh-high's and it triggers your memory. You hated those fucking tube socks. You never wanted to see another pair again yet your hooker reminds you of all those wasted Christmas presents. And you take your rage out on the poor whore even before defiling her/him. I'm trying to figure out if this analogy actually works...fuck it, I'm sticking with it. Buckeye fans are like tube socks on Christmas morning...you never want them around but they keep showing up anyway.
To sum things up, I hope that the Bengals, Buckeyes, and Browns win a combined ten games this season. This blog has always supported people going off on other groups of people for no apparent reason. And Carson Palmer just gained a lot of points with me today. Not enough for me to overlook how average he is as a winning QB, but Carson the man gets a big Thumbs Up from myself, The Fonz, and Mike Utley. Job well done, Carson.