Friday, July 11, 2008

Re-Casting The Big Brother House

It's time to come clean. Whew. I love Big Brother. I don't really know why, but I do. In my opinion, it is right up there with Survivor and anything with Gordon Ramsay as the best reality show ever. The cast members are always batshit insane. There's backstabbing out the ass. If you watch any of the live-feeds, you get to see some nudity. And there is always at least a few volatile arguments that are hilarious. One thing you can always count on is people telling somebody that they lack integrity and morals...yet the fail to realize that they all signed up for a reality TV show. None of them have integrity. It is a perfect form of Trash TV and I love it.

Anyway, Big Brother 10 starts up on Sunday and I couldn't be happier. Earlier this week, CBS released information regarding this season's houseguests. Oh my, this should be interesting. So, what I've decided to do today is to introduce you to the 13 houseguests, give you two blurbs from their stupid CBS bio's, what reality show stereotype that that person fulfills, and then (sports related) replacing that person with an athlete/celebrity/idiot that could fit their role. Fair enough? Let's get going because these people's stupid bio's are going to provide all the laughs today.

1. Steven CBS says: champion bull rider in the gay rodeo circuit; extremely good at reading people and then manipulating them into doing what he wants them to do
Cliff Notes: Token reality show gay guy that thinks he's smarter than the rest of the room
Celebrity Re-Cast: Joe Buck - he may or may not be gay, but he's definitely the smarmiest guy in whatever room he enters

2. Brian CBS says: worked as an investment banker, an international military recruiter and a snowboarder; a guy's guy that was raised around several tough and feisty Italian women
Cliff Notes: Guy that will be trying to get laid the whole time, will likely embellish his life
Celebrity Re-Cast: Matt Leinart - this is no stretch because I bet he talks more about his USC days than his Arizona days

3. Angie CBS says: a recent divorcee who is happy to be single again, is proud that she was the Guinness-chugging champion for women at Irish Kevin's bar in Key West
Cliff Notes: The scorned woman likely get wasted and do something that ends up on The Soup
Celebrity Re-Cast: Cynthia Rodriguez - come on, recent divorcee on the know she's doing something slutty

4. Libra CBS says: recently gave birth to a medical rarity... 4-month old twins, one black and one white, would love to become a singer but doesn't believe it will ever happen
Cliff Notes: Typical sassy black chick that won't put up with any white nonsense
Celebrity Re-Cast: Kim Etheredge - Who, you ask? T.O.'s former publicist! She's got 500,000 reasons to compete in my version of Big Brother

5. Memphis CBS says: currently works as a "Mixologist," which he insists should not be confused with a bartender; watches "Entourage" on television and listens to Johnny Cash as well as other kinds of music
Cliff Notes: In-house douchebag with an inflated sense of self-worth and doesn't he realize that he sucks at life
Celebrity Re-Cast: Drew Rosenhaus - douchebag, over-confident, and massive Napoleon complex

6. April CBS says: admits to being OCD and can't sleep at night if the bottles in the refrigerator aren't lined up properly, favorite activities are watching sports, grilling outside, bowling and having sex
Cliff Notes: Crazy lady/Whore likely to get in a major profanity-laced argument
Celebrity Re-Cast: Brenda Warner - Kurt's wife has no trouble calling into radio shows and begging them to be nice to her husband...a perfect fit

7. Ollie CBS says: fondly calls his family the "Black Brady Bunch", does not drink, smoke or curse; staying true to the values he was raised with as a child
Cliff Notes: Jesus freak that won't fit in with anybody in the house
Celebrity Re-Cast: Cris Carter - the former WR used to begin and end every interview with a Jesus reference of some sort; God doesn't belong on Reality TV

8. Michelle CBS says: was the only person to jump up at her brother's wedding when the priest asked if there were any objections, most proud of the trophies and medals she won in running competitions
Cliff Notes: Conceited bitch that will be one of the first guests evicted
Celebrity Re-Cast: Candace Parker - it will get pretty old listening to the same old stupid stories about her WNBA dunks and what sex is like with the alien known as Shelden Williams

9. Jerry CBS says: has been a devoted husband to the same woman for 54 years, favorite movie is "The Ten Commandments" and he listens to big band music, rock and roll and Elvis Presley
Cliff Notes: Wise old sage that hangs around until people realize that he's a shoe-in to win if he makes it to the end
Celebrity Re-Cast: Al Davis - you don't go on reality TV without a skeleton or two in your closet, I'm betting that Jerry is crazy which means Al Davis is a fantastic replacement

10. Renny CBS says: claims to have outfits, as well as wigs, for any and all social occasions; enjoys showing off her Elvis, Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe impersonations at parties
Cliff Notes: Annoying chick that tells stale jokes that she only laughs at
Celebrity Re-Cast: Frank Caliendo - guess who else likes to do impressions that aren't funny or relevant anymore???

11. Dan CBS says: doesn't think that America would have been ready for a female president and if Hillary Clinton had won the presidency, he would have moved out of the country; describes vegans as weird tree-huggers and believes that religion is important
Cliff Notes: Right-wing nutjob that alienates himself from the rest of the house on Day 1
Celebrity Re-Cast: Curt Schilling - search his bag good, CBS, because this gun-toting moron is likely packing heat

12. Keesha CBS says: has been featured in Hooters calendars and aspires to become part of the management team; loves "The Golden Girls" on television
Cliff Notes: Eye Candy that will wear nothing but booty shorts and tank tops
Celebrity Re-Cast: Erin Andrews - I like to think that EA enjoys a good Estelle Getty zinger and we need some more sex appeal in the house; you just know the other ladies will despise her due to her hotness

13. Jessie CBS says: proudest accomplishment is being the youngest national professional body builder; he also eats Hamburger Helper
Cliff Notes: Enormous meathead that will threaten someone at some point
Celebrity Re-Cast: The Undertaker - someone has to scare some sense into these people and I would lose it if someone tried to bitch at him and he rolled his eyes into the back of his head

Seriously, who wouldn't watch this show? Even if you hate reality TV, this show is gold! To recap, my ideal sports-centric houseguest list features:
Joe Buck
Matt Leinart
Cynthia Rodriguez
T.O.'s former publicist
Drew Rosenhaus
Brenda Warner
Cris Carter
Candace Parker
Al Davis
Frank Caliendo
Curt Schilling
Erin Andrews
The Undertaker

Wow. And if that doesn't do it for you, how about the sexiness of host, Julie Chen? So have a good weekend, everybody, and remember to turn it to CBS on Sunday night for some fantastic trainwreck TV.


World of Isaac said...

one of the labels reads

"I'm a great writer"

hilarious gmoney

jessegscott said...

I'll be watching

Julie is HoT

Kyle said...

Out-fuckin'-standing, Money. Best post since the Hair Metal NBA preview.

Grumpy said...

Finally I can come out of the closet and admit I too love Big Brother. The scheming, lying and manipulating and then there are always hotties in bikinis.

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