Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Middle Finger: Floyd Landis

Everyone wants to hammer baseball for its steroid problems. Barry Bonds, Big Mac, Roger Clemens, etc. have all been destroyed through the media for their past transgressions. They cheated. They've been ostracized by the sport and society. With the exception of Clemens, all of the accused have pretty much gone underground and hid their heads in shame--likely for the rest of their days. It's embarrassing and they know getting caught has tarnished their legacies so badly that no matter how much money the juice made them, it can't make up for the joke that their name has become. But this jerk apparently didn't get that memo regarding how you deal with being outed as a cheater. Nope, he's still screaming from the rooftops that he's innocent. But after this week, thank God, we will more than likely never hear his dumbass name again.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the spandex-clad drug abuser, Floyd Landis.

I know what you're thinking, "why is a fucking awesome blog like this talking about a douchebag that wears a bike helmet"? This blog has always called out assholes no matter what sport they participate in, cycling can not, and will not, be spared.

So after two years of appeals, Landis officially will never get his 2006 Tour de France title back. Hell yeah. The guy won the race with dirtier blood than a Somalian prostitute but still feels like he was shortchanged and that this was just a witch hunt. He tried to argue that the testing facility's methods were outdated and inaccurate. I guess he keeps forgetting that every blood sample they tested of his had more steroids in it than Danny Bonaduce.

But it's over now. We can all sleep easier tonight (although if you lost sleep over this, you have many issues that need addressed) knowing that this wispy mustache will forever be the shithead that we all have known he was all along. Instead of taking the classy way out and just becoming reclusive ala McGwire, he decided to go balls to the wall on his life of lies ala Roger Clemens. I mean, hell, he and his lawyer tried to blackball Greg LeMond, if you remember, regarding the sexual abuse he suffered as a child. They were going to hold onto that information as long as LeMond backed Landis's side of the story. As a guy who knows a thing or two about being an asshole, that's about as bad as it gets. You don't take the darkest secrets of your friends and then throw them out when your back is against the wall.

I mean, I used to frequent Asian massage parlors in my younger days. Management banned me though after realizing that my "masseusse" always ended up sticking halfway out of the garbage disposal. I didn't like the decision but I understood. And I haven't been back since. Like Kenny Rogers (the singer, not the faggot) once sang, you got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. It's the same thing as getting caught cheating. When you're busted, go all Osama bin Laden.

"Cycling has moved on already," said Pat McQuaid, president of cycling's world governing body. "It just puts this episode behind us now, we can forget it." I hope so, Pat, not because I care about cycling, but because people that wear bike helmets should not get any attention or media coverage at all.

So enjoy this week's Middle Finger, Floyd Landis, you truly are a wretched hive of scum and villainy. People that ride bikes suck.

(Note to self: you've slipped so low that you're blogging about no-name cyclists now? You've got be fucking kidding me? I realize that there is nothing going on in the world of douchebaggery, but come on. You are an embarrassment to the sport of blogging.)


J Beanie said...

I thought this ended years ago. I thought Floyd killed himself. When I saw this story yesterday I thought i traveled back in time. Did you hear, however, Landis isn't stopping? He is going to continue to fight this. He's kind of like the cheating boyfriend who still denies cheating even though he was caught with another girl, the other girl admits to it, there are pictures of him with the other girl, his stories have gotten so blown out of proportion that they involve a giraffe, snow blower, two cousins, carpet samples and an encyclopedia. Just stop Floyd.

Tony B. said...

I liked Floyd when he was in the process of winning the Tour, but when he was stripped of the title I felt the same way I did when Sammy Sosa was caught with a corked bat- like I'd been cheated on.

GMoney said...

I'm so pissed at myself. I am way too great to be writing about Landis.

Anonymous said...

What an awful post.


GMoney said...

Thanks, prick.