Friday, July 25, 2008
Yesterday, the Big Ten Conference held their annual Football Media Day in Chicago. Apparently, my invitation to cover the event was lost in the mail. I should mention that I didn't apply for one, wouldn't go anyway, and had no idea that this was even going on, but I still feel like the Big Ten let me down. But, I will get over it. I have to move on. Man, it would have been nice to get a few tough questions asked to those coaches...uh oh, looks like I have a topic for today.
Pretty simple actually, I'm just going to list all the coaches in the Big Ten and what question I would have asked each of them. So imagine me standing up in my BBQ sauce-stained sweatpants and LSU t-shirt, getting pointed at by the moderator, and saying, "G$ from The Money Shot..." and my question follows. Let's do this.
Illinois Coach Ron Zook - Coach, everyone outside of Illinois is certain that your head is filled with rat excrement. My question to you is, how much easier is it to hide how stupid you are when there is a much dumber Bruce Weber sharing the same campus with you?
Indiana Coach Bill Lynch - Coach, now that the luster has worn off on the "Win one for Hoepp" season, aren't you concerned that Hoosiers fans will now focus on the fact that you are a bad coach that was once fired from Ball State? (Editor's note, for all the first timers here, I'm a big Hoeppner fan, he coached Miami all 4 years I was in college)
Iowa Coach Kirk Ferentz - Coach, tough season last year seeing as you just fell short of becoming bowl eligible because you couldn't beat the Western Michigan juggernaut at home in the final game. That being said, why in the bloody Hell did you try to cover up two of your players raping another student?
Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez - Coach, you're pretty much a scumbag. I've got a dictionary right here that explains what the term "buy-out" means. Anyway, how badly do you think your team is going to get crushed by the awesomeness known as Miami RedHawks football on September 6th?
Michigan State Coach Mark Dantonio - First of all, I would just like to scream toward that picture, "COME 'EER GIRL!" Secondly, Spartan teams have been known to quit every season. I'm setting the over/under on your team giving up at October 12th, which side are you betting on?
Minnesota Coach Tim Brewster - Real quick two-part question, coach. Who are you and how are you qualified to be a coach in the Big Ten?
Northwestern Coach Pat Fitzgerald - Coach, I don't want to talk about your team because chances are they are going to suck anyway. I want to know about your thoughts on the Rich Harden trade and whether or not anyone in baseball looks more white trash than Kerry Wood?
Ohio State Coach Jim Tressel - Congratulations on your book, The Winners Manual, opening up at #3 on the New York Times Best Sellers List. Coach, do you expect your next book, The National Championship Losers Manual, to vault straight to #1 after you make it a 3peat this January?
Penn State Coach Joe Paterno - Coach, I know that you have no desire to retire from coaching, which is why PSU has no contingency plan, so I'm not even going to ask about that. What I would like to know is did you just shit your pants?
Purdue Coach Joe Tiller - Joe, a lot has been said about Purdue already naming your successor thus making you a lame duck coach. What kind of tips do you have for all the kids out there that would like to own a mustache as lovely as yours.
Wisconsin Coach Bret Bielema - Coach, there is no denying the success that you've had early on in your head coaching career. How embarrassed do you get though when you look at your schedule and see that you basically play four high school teams in your out of conference tune-ups?
Tell me that I wouldn't be an excellent edition to the Media Day press conferences? You saw what I did there. I set them up and had them leaning over the plate for a softball question and then BAM!, I drop the dime on them. I should start my own journalism school. If you have better questions that I should have asked, let me know. See you all on Monday.