Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "You get a boner, slap her titties around some, then stick it inside her, and pee" Edition. That's Cartman explaining how to get laid by the way.
***That's 456 straight days of being raped for those keeping score at home - The big news out of the court system today is that "disgraced" NBA referee Tim Donaghy (pictured explaining to Kobe the difference between a pick and a scratch) will be serving 15 months in the pokey. Doesn't that seem like a bit of a letdown after all the shit that he apparently did to fix games? And why does everyone say that he is disgraced? Maybe he's proud that he could fix all those games for all those years and knew that it was only a matter of time until he was caught? I don't know, I would be proud of myself if I could pull off something that intricate. So I guess that this is the end of the dirty NBA refs saga...yeah fucking right, just wait until next year's playoffs. As far as Donaghy goes, I hope that his cellmates call him "Fish". That's Michael Schofield's prison nickname!
***The longer that this drags on, the more I want his wife to get sodomized by Matt Millen - Once again, fuck Brett Favre. It's amazing how quickly he went from being a guy that I truly enjoyed watching play to being a loathsome hayseed that I detest more than a Tony Romo/Jerry Jones sex sandwich. It appears that The Wrangler sent his paperwork into the cummish and will be reporting to camp soon. Great. I'm sure that ESPN will send a reporter or ten up to Green Bay for minute-by-minute updates. But you know what you're not hearing anyone say (I've said this a few times over at The Sports Paddio)? Brett Favre didn't change last year. He was still the same mediocre QB as he had been the previous 4-5 years with the only difference being that the defenses were not picking him off. He still made the same stupid throws. He still forced the ball into quadruple coverage. Except the corners were dropping them last year. BRETT FAVRE WAS DONE 3 YEARS AGO. And wherever he ends up playing this year, bet against them. Morons keep saying that trading for Favre means you are going to the playoffs...fuck that.
***At least he won't be the most hated Kwame in town - You're damn right I just dropped a Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, reference! Enjoy it, Drew. Kwame Brown (that's right, THEE Kwame Brown) is heading to Detroit to play 6 minutes a night for the Pistons. I guess that this was the "splash" that Joe Dumars was talking about. Really? The worst #1 pick in the history of basketball is the Pistons big offseason move? For as much credit as Dumars gets for being a good GM, sometimes you have to wonder if he deserves that praise. He's made the worst personnel decision of the decade (Darko over Melo, Bosh, and Wade) and has not been able to get his team over the conference finals hump in a long time. Something to think about...but in the mean time, enjoy the Kwame Brown Era.
***I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore - I've been holding onto this picture of Chuggy Bear for about 2 months now, waiting for the right moment to unleash it on all of you. That day is today. Two WV hoops players (one of them being Joe Mazzulla who was nails for the 'Eers last March) were arrested at a Pittsburgh Pirates game for underage consumption and starting fights. This is priceless. A couple of kids from a hillbilly college go up to a hillbilly town, drink some 'shine, and start rumbling with the locals. But what can you say, this is what Pirates baseball does to people. The pitching of Paul Maholm just isn't enough entertainment anymore. Come for the I/C Light and bare-knuckled combat, stay for the mediocre baseball. Bob Huggins is clearly still not happy.
***The Angels are winning the World Series - John Lackey almost throws a no-no against the Sux in Fenway. They also acquire Mark Ta-Cher-Ah for a bag of magic beans. They have the best rotation in baseball. They have the second best closer in baseball. Their lineup has no holes. They have a fantastic manager. Let's give them the trophy now and start focusing on football. No one is going to touch these guys in the playoffs. I would not be surprised if they went 11-0. I am dead serious here.
***If he didn't spell his last name with two "m"'s, Mark Mangino would have already eaten him - Blah, blah, blah I hate the Olympics. Male gymnast and flaming Buckeye alum, Paul Hamm, has retired or quit the team due to some limp wrist excuse. My guess is that he hurt himself having some sort of homoerotic truck stop jambaroo. Look, I'm sure it's a very difficult trade to master and they are very talented people. But as long as male gymnasts are showcasing their bulges while not executing powerbombs, I ain't watching. Well, except for the video from a few years back where the guy jacks his face on the pommel horse...that was excellent. If NBC could guarantee one of those per night, it might be worth the excessive spandexed dicks. And the chick gymnasts are weird because you never know if you're being a pedophile or not. My suggestion is to just ignore these events all together.
***Speaking of deep-fried microphones slathered in delicious gravy - The Catholic church's favorite lardo, Charlie Weis (pictured screaming about his hatred of fruit), was asked to sing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley Field this week. Now, I find this a bit bizarre due to the fact that a.)Notre Dame sucks and b.)Weis's entire resume is sketchy at best due to the Spygate fiasco. I guess that the Cubs fans boo'ed him for the most part. Or they could have been Moo-ing at him. Basically, this blurb is just to point out that Weis really hasn't done anything without cheating yet is getting the star treatment. He's like Jim Belushi when you think about it. On the next According To Charlie, he devours a polar bear from the inside out! And stay tuned for tips on how to deep-fry a fetus!
***I wonder how you celebrate your 18th birthday with balls in your mouth - My favorite shitty driver and friend-vegetable-turner-into guy(?), Nick Hogan, celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday in the comfy confines of a 9X9 cell. Isn't it kind of ironic that Nick paralyzed his friend by slamming into some sort of barrier with his car yet now some black guy is slamming Nick's tonsils while his mom and dad are on the outside committing statuatory rape? What? That's not irony? Well, whatever it is, it's hilarious. I've gone back and forth regarding whether or not I would like to see Brooke Hogan in Playboy...and I think I'm on the "No" side right now*.
*Who am I kidding, one of my favorite things in the world is "women who take their clothes off for money". Of course I would check this out. Oh, here would be some irony; Big Tyrone throat-jamming Nick Hogan in jail while checking out the nude pics of his sister. There we go, that's better. Who needs a journalism degree anyway? All I need is a perverted mind.