Monday, July 21, 2008

GMoney's List: Announcers

In case you are new here, I'm quite the pessimist. "I hate more than I love" for you idiots out there that don't understand big words. Anyway, we're going to be doing a sporadic mini-series here where I list the people that I hate. Novel idea, huh? Well, fuck you, start your own blog that rules.

This is going to be an awful lot like Schindler's List except that it won't be nearly as funny and have much more gratuitous dick shots. We already went through my list of dispiccable baseball and basketball players. Today, I run off my list of announcers that I loathe (Disclaimer, my prejudice against people that flat out suck at their job is going to really shine here.). It's a pretty extensive list even after I trimmed away the guys that I just only dislike. Yes, I hate this many (40, just like the number of nails that I always wanted to pound into Billy Packer's eyes!) announcers. I'm reserving myself to only one/two sentences per cock weasel to describe why I hate them. Because honestly, I could write a book on why I despise these guys. One standard that I set is that all of these people had to have at least been on set/sideline reporters during some sporting event. Let's get this started (in no particular order)...

Mike Patrick - Maybe he should stop worrying about Britney Spears and focus more on not being terrible in the booth.

Joe Buck - The most pompus ass in the business, acts like he's the smartest man on the planet.

Chris Berman - No one likes this walking case of Cirrhosis.

Jim Nantz - Hello friends, I'm going to try and lure your child into my van.

Mike Tirico - He's solid but his voice can't handle a big, high drama play; just has no personality.

Skip Caray - Ah yes, the voice of the Atlanta Braves...coming up next on The Superstation...

Bryant Gumbel - He almost singlehandedly brought down The NFL Network with his shittiness, excellent at dishing out beach justice though.

Tim McCarver - There's a nice, warm corner in Hell waiting for Timmy.

Joe Morgan - See McCarver, Tim but Joe is going to Hell's version of Hell, sharing that room with Pete Rose.

Steve Phillips - He's been employed by ESPN for years now and I'm still waiting for him to say something correct/accurate.

Mike Greenberg - Is it just me or is he becoming incredibly smug...he's like a little Joe Buck.

Rick Sutcliffe - I've heard him talk about sending text messages to Derek Jeter, I've got ten bucks saying that that never happened.

Darrell Waltrip - BOOGITY BOOGITY shut the fuck up, hayseed.

The Jensen Brothers - It's just tennis, assholes, no need to look and speak so intensely.

Jim Lampley - Yet another guy that takes himself too seriously and doesn't have any fun in the booth, he's a robot.

Jimmy Roberts - I bet he's under 5 feet tall and anyone that primarily covers golf is a snob.

Tom Rinaldi - He's turning into one of my least favorite sportscasters, nice part in your hair; he produces nothing but God awful fluff pieces.

Stuart Scott - Boo-Yah! Ol' One Eye can suck the saltiest part of my balls.

Stephen A. Smith - I've never heard anyone say that they could even stand this guy; Quite Frankly was quite frankly the worst show ever.

Phil Simms - How this guy is on the CBS A-team is something I will never understand, it's called "not being a hillbilly", look into it. Also, they are the Bengals, not the Bingles.

Paul Maguire - Possibly the worst human being to ever speak into a microphone. I remember a Sunday night game on ESPN between the Dolphins and the Skins and this happened (which I consider the benchmark for how stupid this guy is):
Ricky Williams just breaks off a long TD run...
Mike Patrick: How does a man that big run that fast?
Maguire: Speed.
Ten seconds of dead silence while the rest of the booth marvels at his stupidity.

Pat Haden - Tom Hammond is solid on ND football games but Haden always comes off as a weenie.

Ron Jaworski - No one cares how the safety reacts in a cover 2 defense when the offense runs play action.

Joe Theismann - If you want to hear someone contradict himself 8 times in one game, Joe is your man. He flip flops more than John Kerry.

Michael Kay - You better thank the lord tonight that you don't get YES! on your cable package, Kay could make the most ardent fan hate the sport.

Ric Bucher - He thinks that he knows everything and that he's best friends with Kobe...nice fucking soulpatch.

Ron Santo - The biggest homer in the world. I get it, the Cubs are good this year, but you know what else is good, Ron...having legs. Ouch.


Tom Hamilton - The worst radio play-by-play guy in MLB history. The #1 cause of automobile accidents is this guy's shrill and warbled voice. He sounds like he gargles balls in between pitches.

Jerry Remy - Thick New England accent and loves the Red Sox...a recipe for disaster/anal leakage.

Kenny "Hawk" Harrelson - Sometimes you have to wonder how a professional broadcaster could be so biased? My Pick To Click tonight is Juan Uribe!

Doug Collins - It would have been nice had he took the Bulls job because he's a bad coach and he's a mediocre commentator.

Reggie Miller - He just makes shit up evidenced by his frequent use of the phrase "full steam of head" this past postseason.

Jeff Van Gundy - He's just a geek who spends more time talking about how he shouldn't have to pay full price for a haircut than he does hoops.

Michael Cole - A wrestling announcer, his voice is just grating. A definite "Swirly" candidate.

Gary Thorne - I loved him for saying that the Schilling sock thing was fake (which it was), but I hate him for apologizing and always sounding a little buzzed in the booth.

Steve Tasker - You don't anchor the CBS NFL 6th team for a decade if you're good at your job.

Chris Rose - Quick, name me a bigger spazz announcer than this HJ?

Len Elmore - I know that he knows what he's talking about but he always sounds like his blood pressure is 40/20, like he's fighting to stave off a coma.

James Brown - I love JB in his football studio hosting, but when CBS put him on March Madness play-by-play...whew, that was awful. And when you put him with Elmore...almost ended college basketball.

What do you all think? Did I forget anyone? Luckily for Billy Packer, he was fired before this list was made. You can put these on the board, Hawk...Huh-YESSSSSSSSSS!


Anonymous said...

A few things on this...

*Stephen A. -- I LOVE this guy. I don't understand how people don't find him extremely entertaining. He's tremendous on NBA Draft night too.

*Paul Azinger- You should have ripped this D-Bag for his announcing this past weekend. Everything Greg Norman did, Azinger bashed him for. Completely arrogant and jealous fuck stick.

*Paul Keels -- He's the Buckeyes radio football announcer and he sucks major cock. Instead of being excited it's like he's watching middle school girl's basketball. I hate him.


J Beanie said...

So is there anyone you like?

But I can't believe Johnny Miller isn't on the list. All he ever talks about is himself and how it was when he played and what he would have done. During the US Open, with Tiger hurting, he compared it to when his wrist was sore. Good comparison, asshole.

J Beanie said...

On yesterday's topic, the last Taylor you had starting on your defense died, so it doesn't look good for Jason. I would have vetoed that trade if I were him.

Anonymous said...

Detroit Tigers color commentator Rod Allen: Take your 24 MLB at-bats, your lazy eye and your 'NO HE DIDN'T!!!' and go call games for the Nippon Ham Fighters.

GMoney said...

Drew, unfortunately, I barely got to see any of the Open this weekend so I'll have to take your word on Azinger. I LOVE PAUL KEELS. His deep baritone voice is the only good thing about OSU athletics.

Beanie, Johnny is kind of a dick and I like him for that. He's got an ego but it doesn't bother me.

Jason Taylor is going to kill Derek Anderson this's going to be sweet.

Matt said...

Gary Thorne is a great hockey announcer that got lured by the money into broadcasting a real sport and found himself in too deep.

rstiles said...

I agree about Tom Hamilton...the Indians can make the simplest routine play and he calls it like it was the greatest baseball play ever...

Ohhhh, and forget it when an Indian hits a could be a solo shot in the first inning and Hamilton acts like it was Mazerowski's homer in 1960...


Tony B. said...

I know most people don't know who this guy is, but he subbed for Jim Rome's radio show last week- Grant Napier. He's the Sacramento Kings announcer and he is an awful homer and a terrible announcer.

On the positive, the SF Giants' combo of Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper is hard to beat. They have a good time even when the Giants are getting beat down by whatever team comes to town.

Anonymous said...

How anyone can talk shit about Tom Hamilton? The guy loves his job and he gets excited about it. What's so bad about that? He is a Hall of Famer in my book.

Anon, couldn't agree more about Rod Allen. The guys is absolute retard.

Whenever Paul Keels says "absitively" (no idea on spelling) I love it.


Eric said...

Aw, man, come on Anon--Rod Allen is awesome. I agree with a lot of GMoney's picks, expect Hawk Harrellson. I like listening to him broadcast White Sox games.

And yes, Paul Maguire is THE worst to ever call a sport. Period.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure if Rod Allen is on the radio crew or not. But, if he is not then the guys in their radio booth are terrible.

Also, Dave Lapam (spelling ?) Bengals radio guy is horrible 100% of the time. If you have never heard him, first of all be thankful, second of all he gives a statistic and percentage for every play. For example, Chris Henry was committing a felony 45% of the time that Odel Thurman was shooting up heroin.

GMoney said...

Dave Lapham is terrible. So is the guy that does radio play-by-play for the Colts. Two of the biggest homers/homos in the business.

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