Friday, July 04, 2008
Let's get one thing straight: I am not a fan of the 4th of July. Yeah, I get it, American Independence Day and a day off of work! Whoooo! But, for the most part, it sucks. Not all of it, but most of it. Below is three things that I am, am not, and definitely not looking forward to on this extended holiday weekend...
The Good - Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest
What a classic American event: shoving as much food down our throats as we can in a predetermined time period. That being said, I love it. They turned the Japanese (Kobayashi) into an enemy again. Joey Chestnut ate 60-some hot dogs last year. I could probably do 5 in that same time allotment. He is an American Hero...USA! USA! USA!
The Bad - Fireworks
Picture me talking like Jeff Foxworthy, if you look forward to watching fireworks, you might be a redneck. What an absolute white trash occurrence. Let's go downtown and watch the sky explode! Maybe we can stop on the way and get some sparklers and Roman candles! If you really like watching this, maybe you just should join the military. After all, bombs are just fireworks that explode on the ground! Idiots.
The Ugly - Our grill is out of propane
One unwritten rule, that should be written and always observed, is that you get your ass outside on the 4th and grill up some meat. I will not be this year since our tank is empty, I'm lazy, and I have no idea how someone goes about getting a propane tank refilled. Maybe if I watched King of the Hill like the 4 other people do that keep that show on the air, I would know these things. I think that a gas station is involved, but I'm not sure. Looks like I'll be ordering some sort of shitty pizza instead of devouring 2 steaks, 6 hamburgers, and 19 beers.
Have a piss-wasted weekend, peeps. If you need help getting there, I will surely be leading the way to Inebriation Land. I'm a patriot.