Monday, June 02, 2008

Running The Gamut



I couldn't really find a prick who was worthy of a full Tuesday post, so we're changing things up a bit today. We're talking about two guys today. One is extremely awesome and you have all heard way too much about him (pictured fighting Polio like a good son). The other is an unknown that is a complete embarrassment to his family, his team, his friends, himself, and most importantly, me. Allow me to share...

Happy Joba Chamberlain's First Start Day!!!

I'm going to apologize in advance to all of you. This almost non-story is going to lead off SportsCenter tonight and you are all going to hate it. As much as I think that the Yankees have overhauled their image recently and don't have, in my opinion, any real despisable guys, JOBAFEST 2008 will likely garner some backlash from non-Yankees fans. I don't really care what you think though. I haven't been this excited for a Yankees starting pitching debut since Hideki Irabu!

But who cares? Big Hank got his wish and now this season will live or die based on Joba's impact on the team. Yes, we have a fairly solid starting rotation now but at what cost? K-Farn has been deemed the early favorite for 8th inning work but he celebrated that promotion the other night by giving up a homer to "that one guy on the Twins that stole Jeter's MVP award two seasons ago" and a rockin'-good loss last night. I'm excited though and that's all that matters. In a matter of a few weeks, this boring, drab, go-nowhere team got their best hitter back and now have their best pitcher in the rotation. We'll just have to see how it goes but world's could be colliding soon. ESPN may blow up in a few weeks when their two golden boys, Joba and Jay Bruce could potentially lock horns in interleague play. You can just sense that Tim Kurkjian's midget boner is starting to grow in anticipation.



And then there's the RedHawks. Specifically, our offensive lineman, Zachary Marshall (pictured not breaking into someone's room), who tried to kill a girl this past month while drunkenly breaking into dorm rooms. I suppose I should say that he isn't guilty yet and blah blah blah. Fuck that, this guy is a loser. Now I'm no fancy big city lawyer, but if you're somewhat of a public figure and charges are brought up against you, you are guilty until proven innocent. And it doesn't look good for The Suffocator (but that would be an awesome nickname for a football player):

Zachary S. Marshall, 21, of Mason, was arrested Thursday evening on charges arising from a pair of burglaries reported May 21 at Miami’s Havighurst Hall (Editor's note: I lived in that dorm as a Freshman...Western Campus, bitches!!! I'm joking though, Western Campus is for weirdos.). Police say Marshall is the man who entered two unlocked rooms on the morning of May 21 and assaulted a female student sleeping in one of the rooms and held a pillow over her face. He also allegedly entered the room of a male student twice.

Job well done, Mr. Marshall. Why you have yet to be kicked off of our team is something that I would like to know the answer to. At the very least, I'm sure that Marshall will get a long look from Paterno and Bobby Bowden if he's acquitted. What a sack of shit...fuck you, Zachary Marshall.

There you go, that's it for today. Enjoy JOBAFEST tonight and don't forget to laugh at Miami's football program before you leave.

10 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

I'd like to hold a pillow over Kyle Farnsworth's face.

jessegscott said...

Well moving Joba out of the Pen cost them the game last night. Good one Farnsworth. I will take a bet you dont watch sportcenter tonight. when Joba gets lit up for 5 runs in about 3 innings of work. I hope anyways. Jay Bruce will own Joba!

J Beanie said...

If Joba can't handle bugs, how's he going to handling starting. They should have just kept him as their closer of the future.

Sure, what Zach "The Attack" Marshall did looks bad on the surface. But then you remember he was trying to kill Miami girls and that is A-OK in everyone's book.

(Did you pull on your suspenders when you said "Now, I'm no big city lawyer," b/c I oouuu-ed a little.)

GMoney said...

Beanie, that is one of my most often-used Simpsons lines ever. Damn Flanders trying to rip off a car wash!

Joba will be fine because Steve Phillips told me last night that he would. Good enough for me, he used to be a GM!!!

J Beanie said...

If Steve Philips says you are going to be fine, it's more than likely you won't be. That's why he USED to a GM.

GMoney said...

Thanks for calling me out there. I must not have laid on the sarcasm enough. I believe I have a pretty strong track record for hating Steve Phillips.

By the way, I totally do not regret staying up to watch the Stanley Cup Finals last night...fantastic game.

jessegscott said...

Sorry Joba. He definatly will not be leading sportscenter tonight. The new story. FLIP SAUNDERS OUT in DETROIT, will lead every and all ESPN news shows all day. Tough to see him go, but time for a change says Joe D.

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to "The Shield" on FX?

rstiles said...

JOBA BABY!!!

GMoney said...

Anonymous, GREAT question and I have the answer. The final season was supposed to be launched in the winter but the writer's strike fucked that up. It begins in September. Dutch Waggenbach!