Monday, June 09, 2008

The Middle Finger: Michael Strahan

Hell yes. I've been waiting a long time for this day. You know the day that I'm talking about, too. The day when some guy (pictured being...himself?) that has no idea who you are, but you yourself hate him with a passion, retires from the spotlight. But to be honest, I'm surprised with the lack of national attention that this story is getting. You would think that a media-saavy douchebag like this would have a Favre-ian level of well wishes and tributes. But it hasn't been like that at all. In fact, it's like no one cares. Hell, even Peter King has yet to release a 6000 word fellation yet. But Peter knows (at least I hope the Bobpussy knows) that no one wants to read that trash anyway. The moral of the story is that I will never have to watch this shithead try and stand out from his teammates and be the epitomy of a glory hog again. The defensive version of Tiki Barber is leaving us for good. Goodbye, dickhead.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the "retiring while on top even though he wasn't much of an impact player anymore" ass of Michael Strahan.

Don't get me wrong, my hatred for The Black Gap is deeply entrenched because of my love of the Redskins. This is completely biased but that being said, I still don't know how anyone can like this guy. It got really old watching him drag down our crappy quarterbacks 3-4 times a year during our futile attempts to develop any sort of offensive system. Could I have done without the dumbass muscle flexing after a sack? Of course, but all defensive players act like morons after making plays that they are paid to make (see: Seau, Junior). And his sack record is a freaking joke, too. He needed Brett Favre to lay down for him to break a record that was set by Britnee Gastineau's steroid-ridden father. And since Favre and Mikey will likely get into Canton together in 5 years, I think it would be fitting for Brett to take another dive during Strahan's speech to remind us all of that amazing "sack". But that kind of thing happens in the NFL...I've come to understand and live with that. No, it's the other shit off the field that drives me freaking nuts about Strahan.

For one thing, Mikey never met an interview that he wouldn't take. Hell, I could start a podcast today if I had any idea how to do that, make one call, and Strahan would talk to me for over an hour just so he could hear himself speak. That is my big issue. It didn't matter who asked the questions or or whether he had an answer for them or not, Michael Strahan was going to get on TV. I mean, come on, no one really wants to talk to Chris Rose (pictured, hey, look, Backstreet's back, alright!) unless they have a hidden agenda. It's almost as if he used his football career to help launch a media career (ala what Jason Taylor is doing now). While there isn't necessarily anything inherently wrong with doing that, it's still incredibly transparent and even Jon-Benet Ramsey can see right through it. Strahan's weekly in-season interviews with either Pam Oliver or Boomer Esiason or Chris Berman's bloated liver sicken me. No matter how good or bad the Giants were, a Michael Strahan interview was coming your way every Sunday.

While we're sure to be getting a ton of Strahan video packages and sack montages and Super Bowl highlights even though he was like the 5th best defensive lineman on the Giants this year, I feel like I owe it to you to show some behind the scenes shit on this Dentist's Worst Nightmare. Yes, a collection of links that illustrate the skeletons in Strahan's closet besides his fondness for talking shit about his teammates (Tiki) or not showing up for training camp last year or running smack about his head coach and not being punished. Nope, we've got personal stuff.

When in doubt, why not just pick up Eddie Murphy's sloppy seconds? That's a can't-miss!
Yeah, he put himself up for auction only to find out that the winning bid came from two guys. Who wants a mustache ride???
Why not write a book where you compare playing football to some weird, mutilating act of perversion?
This genius is the proud owner of signing the worst pre-nup in the history of the world.
And let's not forget about the sex tape with Michael and Subway Jared gang-raping Tony Romo...may or may not have happened yet.

So go ahead and take the Sears Tower from between your front two teeth and allow this Middle Finger to be your floss for the week. You've earned it, jerk. But I have to admit, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of my NFL-loving shoulders. Now I will never have to see you again--wait a minute, he's probably going to join the FOX studio team and offer no insight at all while arguing about the best way to cook crawfish with Terry Bradshaw. Shit. Insert Darth Vader-style "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" after the Emporer tells him that he killed Natalie Portman.

What do we have to get rid of this guy for good? This was supposed to be one of the best days of the year for me and now when you realize that he's going to be around every week, it kind of puts a damper on my celebration. So how can we end the Strahan Show??? I know! Just make him watch Ron Jaworski break down film for 20 seconds and he'll kill himself. After all, Jaws' voice is the #1 cause of death in this country, right?


J Beanie said...

I'm not a fan of Gapper either but I'd rather him play than be on FOX. I can only hope they make the gap in his mouth some kind for running joke and weekly special.

Oh, and there are plenty bad defensive linemen who can bring down the even crappier Redskin quarterbacks.

GMoney said...

You take that back you sonofabitch! How dare you sully the good names of Tony Banks, Gus Frerotte, Jeff George, Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerrfel, and Mark Brunell!

J Beanie said...

And how come you always find the gayest pictures of the guys you talk about? It's kind worrisome.

Tony B. said...

#347 thing I hope I see before I die: A round-table of worldly discussion including Michael Strahan, Mike Tyson, Drederick Tatum, and Leon Phelps. Mediated by Billy D. Williams.

Anonymous said...

Nice Jon-Benet Ramsey reference.

While by no means do I like the guy, I respect him for not dragging this thing out for 5 more years like Favre.


Miller said...

#347 thing I hope I see before I die: A round-table of worldly discussion including Michael Strahan, Mike Tyson, Drederick Tatum, and Leon Phelps. Mediated by Billy D. Williams.