Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "This post is just fodder, tomorrow might be my most anticipated post of all time" Edition.

***Yeah, I think I'll pass when it comes to knowing how your ass tastes - By now, we all know and have heard Shaq's freestyle rap where he absolutely crushes Kobe. It was funny. We all got a chuckle. But the fact that the big man is saying that he was "just joking around" is truly a testament to how dumb Shaq thinks we are. Come on, only liars use that excuse. Not to get all Jemele Hill on you all, but it's like Hitler writing Mein Kampf and then saying he was just joking about wanting to exterminate the Jews. Maybe that was a poor example...oh well, I'm too lazy to delete it. But what really is the saddest part of this story is that it reminded me of the time that my car was broken into the dirty thieves made off with my Shaq Diesel CD. Sonsabitches. And now the police chief in Phoenix or wherever Shaq fakes being a cop wants him to turn his badge. Don't fret though, big man, put on a few more pounds and they'll make you a lieutenant.

***He's one Darth Vader sodomy away from being in the Raiders Hall of Fame - This whole Javon Walker being left for dead in Vegas story is just bizarre. We find out last week that he was found unconscious in the streets. Then we hear that he was caught on a casino camera getting into a car by his own volition. And now we hear that the two guys he was hanging out with that night beat the shit out of him and robbed him. You would think that Walker would know how to fight considering his new employer and the city that they play in. Hmmm, maybe athletes should just stay away from Vegas altogether. Well, maybe they can go up there every once in awhile to take money from Charles Barkley. And I think that that is the only city that produces the fabric for Al Davis's clothing. Speaking of the Raiders, is Lane Kiffin still their coach?

***Clearly, the Devil Rat hates very large black men and any white guys - The US Olympic hoops team was unveiled this week. There weren't any real surprises. Some people don't think 'Melo should be there. Same thing with Tayshaun. People wish we had another big seeing that three likely isn't enough. Honestly, it shouldn't matter. This team should roll through the tournament and capture the gold. It will be interesting to see how Kobe defers now that he has an insane collection of talent around him. I'll let you insert your own rape joke, it's interactive day! The only issue I have is with the inclusion of Jason Kidd. With Paul and Deron in the fold as well, why the hell was he included??? He has more pressing needs stateside anyway. I mean, his bitches aren't just going to beat themselves.

***That sound you just heard was the last shred of NHL love leaving ESPN - I'm not a hockey fan, though I do respect the sport, but one thing I always did enjoy was Barry Melrose breaking down highlights on SportsCenter. Those days are over. The mullet is headed to Tampa to coach some team apparently called the Lightning. That's a damn shame, too. When the Jackets win the Cup next year, I was hoping that Barry would be the one to fawn all over them on the ESPN set. But maybe it's for the best. He went to the one NHL market, central Florida, where his hairstyle is still "in". And they better name the street that leads to whatever that arena is called, Melrose Place.

***I don't want to jinx it, but I think the buttplug is done - Knock on wood here but it appears that, (take a deep breath), CURT SCHILLING IS NEVER GOING TO PITCH AGAIN! Hell freaking yes. Guys, you've listened to me bitch about him for years now so I don't want to beat a dead horse again. Unless that horse's name is Curt Schilling in which case, hand me a fucking hose so I can beat it until my arm gets tired. Now all these writers are pontificating about whether he is a Hall of Famer or not. Let me make this easy for you: no. His numbers aren't that great, he's a wide load, he skull-fucks parrots, and he writes like a fucking infant. Oh, where was I again...ummm, just say no to drugs, kids.

***Speaking of hating black people, how could we forget this guy - I'm surprised that this is news considering that nobody listens to the guy anymore. Don Imus is back in the limelight for dropping another racist bomb. This time toward "Adam" Jones pretty much saying that it's no surprise that he's always in trouble because of the color of his skin. This is just one of the many cases for why old people shouldn't be allowed to talk...or drive...or eat in public...or have sex. Did Imus not fully understand all the shit that he had to go through with the Cuntgers basketball team? Either this guy is just incredibly fucking senile or he just doesn't care and hates all minorities. Whichever it is, a live microphone should probably be the last thing put in front of his face in the morning. A nice big bowl of grits with a side of watermelon would be quite a comeuppance.

***Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks - Man, what sad news about George Carlin's death. Very few comics could make me laugh as loud as Carlin has. When you think about it, his act was pretty much the same routine that blogs do daily: discussing the absurdity of random life occurences. My favorite Carlin sketch was "People I Can Do Without". I typed it out a few years ago and here it is. That bit will always make me laugh. But you know the worst part of this? Carlin and Richard Pryor have died recently while Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia continue to destroy the art of stand-up every night. My God, they suck. Should've been those two...

Well, there you have it. You are definitely going to want to check in's going to be good. I promise. And when was the last time I have lied to you???


Anonymous said...

I've never wanted to see America win a sport so much in the Olympics as I want to see this team roll through all of these gypsies.

*Like you said, I don't care about only having three bigs. We should still roll. Tayshaun is definitely the worst player on the team, but he's also a freak that will pose matchup problems for teams that don't have weird black athletes like us.

*Whoever says that Carmelo shouldn't be on this team should never be allowed to write on the subject again. He has said that he enjoys the FIBA style of bball more than the NBA. He was also our bset player at the world championships this past summer.

*Here's the deal with Kidd. He's played international basketball before. Williams and Paul really haven't. I think what we will see is that Kidd will start early on and we'll see which of the Deron/Paul brothers adjusts quicker to playing against the gypsies. Once we find that out...the one of those two will take on the bulk of the minutes.

*I saw a commercial for a behind the scenes show following the basketball team. It debuts on July 2 on ESPN 2 and is called "Redemption". This will surely be great television.


rstiles said...

God bless Carlin...oh wait, he doesn't like the term God Bless

Fuck Off George!!!

J Beanie said...

Shaq is an idiot.
Javon Walker, I don't feel sorry for.
Kidd is on the team for symbolic reasons (not sure if those reason including beating off the female fans)
Prince doesn't deserve to be on the team and better not see much playing time.
Melrose's hair would be a much better fit in Nashville or Carolina.
Who keeps giving Imus a show? How did he get one to begin with? I'd rather listen to Dane Cooke and Jose Mencia tell knock-knock jokes.

Now go make the second pick in the J Beanie interactive mock draft !!!

GMoney said...

Drew, I know the Melo lead the team in scoring but if I remember right, Bron's play was outstanding all-around.

I'm with you, I've never cared about the Olympics but I want the Gold so freaking bad this year.

Tony B. said...

I nominate Shaq to replace Melo, Tayshaun, or Kidd. He definitely needs more material to rap about and I figure he and Kobe on the US National Team would be a drama at its finest.

Tony B. said...

G$, just read this on and I swear it could've come straight out of your blog:

"How can the Bulls take [Derrick Rose] who was beat-up by a Memphis wide receiver?

But to focus on that is to miss the point completely. Yes, Rose took a beating in April for getting caught hooking-up with Steven Black's girl, and the incident created quite a stir on the Memphis campus. But what that story shows me is that Rose was willing to sacrifice his body to take it to the rack, comfortable laying it on the line to drive to the hole, determined to grab what he wanted even if it belonged to somebody else, and aren't those the very characteristics that make great point guards great?"

Anonymous said...

I am so sick of Shaq. Everybody talks about Kobe not winning a title without Shaq, but how many titles did Shaq win without Kobe? Uh, zero I think. Kobe is ten times the player Shaq ever was. He has always been fat, lazy, out of shape and has constantly thrown his coaches and teammates under the bus. His fat ass needs to go away forever.


Tony B. said...

Damman- Shaq won one w/o Kobe (with the Heat). But I do agree with your sentiment. He should just go away.

GMoney said...

Good research, Damman. Shaq "won" a title in '06 when the refs allowed Wade to shoot 400 free throws a game.

Anonymous said...

My bad on that, but he had Dwayne Wade who was really good back then. He is still a piece of shit.