Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "if our Fox affiliate EVER cancels Hell's Kitchen for an hour's worth of crappy Doppler coverage again, I'm going to start killing people as if I were Charles Bronson" Edition.
***At least he still has his health if you forget about the facial twitching - Flip Saunders (pictured, begging Rasheed Wallace not to quit like he did the past two EC Finals) was fired! He should have never been hired by the Pistons anyway! When teams are championship caliber but kind of getting older, bringing in a career postseason loser is probably not the best idea. And to no one's surprise, Flip couldn't win in Detroit either. I don't think that Flip is a bad guy but there is always something fishy about his playoff exits. His teams always seem to fold miserably when the pressure is on. And now rumor has it that the Suns may be interested in bringing him in. Dear God no. I actually like watching the Suns...this would kill that. Flip has about as much control over his teams as Joba Chamberlain last night. Flip just looks like a guy that never wins. Like he goes to a casino to play slots with his wife and ends up dropping ten grand in an hour.
***This is the first time that Marvin Lewis has won anything - Thanks, Chad Johnson, that was really worth it. Apparently, Future Homeless guy On Fire (get it, H.O.F.! Give me a break, we're talking about a cunt here) is backtracking on all of his bogus demands and coming back to the Bengals with his tail between his legs. What a fucking sack of shit. And why did ESPN: The Crappy Magazine allow him to be the "editor" this month anyway? I'm sure he did a great job though. Chad Johnson is just pathetic. He's nothing more than a baby with sand in it's vagina (I assume that this is possible). I actually hope that he breaks his leg in preseason this year. I would laugh. I don't care if that makes me an Eagles fan for that night, it would be worth it. Man, if ever there was a guy who deserved to get drilled over the middle by the late, great 21...it's this assbutt.
***Just go piss on your hands already - A few months ago, Moises Alou was interviewed saying that he would not have caught the Bartman ball in 2003. Now, he's saying that he would have. Make up your fucking mind, Moises. Could you have caught it or couldn't you have? Since you were wearing a Cubs uniform at the time, I'm guessing that you would have dropped it anyway. I just find it funny that, again, you ask everyone to forgive Bartman, but you keep bringing a 5 year old issue to the forefront. How about this, if you really want Bartman to forgive you, find him and let him piss all over you R. Kelly-style. That's the only way that I would consider this issue to be over. Of course the idea of that is getting me aroused as well.
***Fake Urkel is definitely not a very intelligent advisor, but he's one hell of a dancer - For as much as I hate the guy, Jerry Jones does have a penchant for making sound decisions. But I don't know about these...Pacman is coming into camp soon and will be allowed to play in the preseason and T.O just signed a deal that will have him dropping passes when he's 38 years old. If Cowboys fans are banking on Pacman to be the savior of the defensive backfield, just remember, if he even gets a parking ticket, Goodell is banning him from the League. I don't like his odds. But that being said, I am looking forward to their HBO training camp series. How great is it going to be to see Wade Phillips dose off during his own meetings? Or Tony Romo get butt-jammed by Flozell Adams? Or Bobby Carpenter trying to convince her teammates that she is not an old lesbian? Or maybe another Dave Campo sighting!
***That was pretty entertaining for the by-product of two white trash cities - I'll admit it, I stayed up until after one on Monday night to watch the epic overtime thriller in the Stanley Cup Finals. That was one hell of a watch, too. That right there is why the NHL deserves a better TV deal than they currently have. Wow. I can't wait for tonight's game actually. Good for the Wings fans for heeding my advice and acting like they care again. I loved the "We Want The Cup" chant. There really is no greater sporting event than a tight Stanley Cup playoff game though. Amazing. You know what else is amazing? The fact that Sidney Crosby hasn't shaved in over a month and his beard looks like he glued pubes to his lip. What do I know though, that could be all the rage in Pittsburgh these days.
***Why call out your boss when there's a perfectly good Jay Mariotti standing right there - I'm almost glad that I don't understand anything that Ozzie Guillen even says anymore. No matter what the Sox do, he pisses and moans about something. They are in first yet he calls out his GM to get him more help. They are in last and he calls out his players. They are in the middle of the pack and he calls media members faggots. I don't get it. I really don't. It appears that nothing is ever Ozzie's fault. Smile, Oz! You guys are winning the worst division in baseball!!! I'm looking forward to the time later in the season when the Sox get swept by someone shitty and Ozzie strangles the entire cast of Around The Horn. It's going to be glorious...but don't forget about Skip Bayless. Do him for free, Oz. Kill him for us.
***We're finally down to two people...neither of which will do anything - So it looks like Barack Obama is going to finally get the Democratic nod and face off against Monty Burns to become our next President. It should be a pretty good race and I don't see either guy throwing too much mud around, they both appear to be very classy individuals. Who knows though, politics always ends up pissing me off. Now the debate rages on about who Barack should take along with him. While many Dems will likely push for him to take Hill-dog, I will choose a different path. My nominee is this broad pictured to the left. She's smart, in good shape, politically saavy probably, and extremely well spoken (maybe). Man, that Obama tank top is dynamite. It could honestly have a picture of Hitler on it and I would still give up killing hookers and telling dick jokes just to see under it. If Barack's good enough for her tits, he's good enough for all of us.
Alright, see you tomorrow. I was going to have Joba drive me to the office but I figured he would just walk me anyway.