Hollywood NBA Lottery Mock Draft

With the NBA Draft being held tonight, The Money Shot has decided to hold our own Mock Draft. Except we're only doing the teams in the lottery. And it's comprised entirely of people that aren't real. That's right, a Mock Lottery Draft featuring some of Hollywood's finest.

There were only two rules regarding this draft: 1.)No White Shadow players and 2.)Nobody that actually played in the NBA which excludes Jesus Shuttlesworth and the entire crapfest known as Space Jam. Each draftee will feature a pro, a con, and a classic Jay Bilas descriptor (always hilarious) after their name is called. If only these guys really were in the NBA. What would be the NBA odds on them winning titles. Let's begin, the Chicago Bulls are on the clock:



1. The Chicago Bulls select Scott Parker (Teen Wolf)
The Kirk Hinrich experiment is officially over as the Bulls grab the best point guard in the Draft. He has a tendency to be selfish but we all want to see him steal the ball from Larry Hughes when he's dribbling up the court, right?
Pro: big time athlete and scorer, mean streak, is friends with Stiles
Con: could have problems on Full Moon nights, has a tendency to show up as himself in big games, the smell of sweaty wolf hair
Bilas: Quick speed

2. The Miami Heat select Lewis Scott (Celtic Pride)
Pat Riley wants another scorer, Scott has proven his greatness by winning a title with the fake team known as the Utah Jazz. If he can defeat Dan Aykroyd, Daniel Stern, and all Celtics fans, you know that this guy is special.
Pro: dynamite shooter, knows the Wayans Brothers, excellent at negotiating during a hostage situation
Con: was in Celtic Pride, ball hog, probably really short
Bilas: Tremendous vision



3. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Elliot Richards (Bedazzled)
Kevin McHale finally gets Al Jefferson some more beef in the post and now feature the best frontline in hoops. The tattoos make him a bonafide future NBA all-star.
Pro: arsenal of low post moves, fearless, a white Shaq
Con: self-conscious about his tiny genitals, sweats a lot, is in fact Brendan Fraser (I do NOT recommend watching this movie at all)
Bilas: Country strong

4. The Seattle Sonics select Calvin Cambridge (Like Mike)
The Sonics wanted Teen Wolf, but Cambridge is a solid PG as well that will look to push the tempo with Kevin Durant and Jeff Green.
Pro: has magical shoes that make him Jordan-esque, extremely quick, has beaten top competition
Con: he's like 10 years old, would be pretty worthless if someone stole his shoes, is Bow Wow
Bilas: Supreme shiftiness

5. The Memphis Grizzlies select Mark Cooper (Hangin' With Mr. Cooper)
The Grizzlies want to find a replacement for Pau Gasol, Cooper fits that need to a T. An excellent post presence that will make all 8 Grizzlies fans happy.
Pro: wide body, good rebounder, lives with Rodney Peete's wife who may or may not still be hot/married to Rodney Peete
Con: old, quit hoops for awhile to be a teacher (I think), was a staple of TGIF for awhile
Bilas: A real space eater down low



6. The New York Knicks select Buddy (Air Bud)
Let's face it, no matter who Donnie Walsh takes, Knicks fans are going to hate the pick. So why not throw them a curveball and take a cute golden retriever with a solid reputation? Can you picture how confused the Knicks fans would be when David Stern is shaking hands with a dog tonight? Priceless!
Pro: very fast, apparently can dunk, a good and loving teammate
Con: constantly drooling, bad jump shot, color blind
Bilas: Extreme lateral quickness

7. The Los Angeles Clippers select Julie Connor (Hang Time)
With the Clippers not knowing if Shaun Livingston will ever be the same again, it's time get a PG. Eventhough she is a woman, Connor played for great basketball minds like Reggie Theus and Dick Butkus so you know the skills are there and that she is very coachable. The court is a lot bigger in the NBA than it was at Deering High though.
Pro: solid ball handler, unselfish, knows Anthony Anderson
Con: strength, can be sassy, PMS
Bilas: Excellent vagina



8. The Milwaukee Bucks select Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers)
The Bucks were crossing their fingers that this all-world small forward would drop to them and their wish came true. Wow, spreading the court with Redd and Chitwood should scare a lot of people.
Pro: cold-blooded shooter, hard worker, played for Gene Hackman
Con: silent but somewhat of an egomaniac, oily combover, may have hung out in Shooter's shack in the woods
Bilas: Tremendous upside

9. The Charlotte Bobcats select Chip Douglas (The Cable Guy)
Larry Brown has good perimeter players. What he really needs is a little toughness and solid defensive presence down low. Douglas fits that bill in spades. The guy hammers the boards like a rabid dog.
Pro: tenacious, breaks backboards which should boost attendance, hates Jack Black
Con: holds up games to stretch his hammy's, multiple personalities, poor jump shooter
Bilas: Mister Floor Burn



10. The New Jersey Nets select Karl Malone (The Man Show/Karl Malone Workout Video)
The Nets have a solid backcourt but have lacked that back to the basket post player that they have always needed. This version of Karl Malone should fill that role nicely if he's anything like that other Karl Malone.
Pro: incredibly physical, probably drives an 18 wheeler, can run the pick and roll with Devin Harris
Con: not nearly as tall as the original, deadbeat dad, blackface Jimmy Kimmel
Bilas: Big Motor

11. The Indiana Pacers select Coach J (State Farm commercial)
The Pacers have had image problems and have alienated themselves from their fans over the past few years. It's time to get back to basics and bring in a solid citizen dedicated to improving his teammates everyday.
Pro: an intangibles guy, will volunteer to lead calisthenics, will definitely lead team in flops as a rookie
Con: looks like a fat Kurt Rambis/Dwight Schrute combo, awful ball handler, will spend timeouts trying to sell you on the benefits of State Farm
Bilas: Fundamentally sound



12. The Sacramento Kings select Jimmy (Seinfeld episode)
Jimmy is more of a combo guard but the Kings will ask him to play point. He can handle it, he has been strength training for years now. His personality can be grating at times, but he's got to be easier to deal with than Ron Artest.
Pro: crazy hops, strong work ethic, knows "The Velvet Fog" Mel Torme
Con: recovering from severe leg injury, questionable competition, refers to himself in the third person
Bilas: Incredible length for his height

13. The Portland Trailblazers select Zack Morris (Saved By The Bell)
The Blazers don't really have any pressing needs so they take the best player available. Eventhough Morris is coming off an injury which occurred more than a decade ago, Kevin Pritchard is confident that he found a solid backup to Roy and Jack.
Pro: popular with the ladies, selfless, was the best player on Bayside
Con: allowed Dennis Haskins to injure him, never played college hoops, was on the God awful show, John From Cincinnati
Bilas: Unlimited Potential



14. The Golden State Warriors select Coop Cooper (Baseketball)
There aren't any solid athletic big men left that justify being taken this high, so Nellie decides to go with the long range bomber. Cooper has proven that he can lead a team to a title with a supreme all-around game
Pro: creative, not afraid to use Steve Perry's name to his advantage, can knock down shots from anywhere on the court
Con: cares too much about child labor laws, has likely contracted hepatitis from Yasmine Bleeth, really ugly shooting stroke
Bilas: Unbelievable range

There you have it. If tonight's Draft is half as good as this mock, then we are in for a real treat. The reason that this one is better is, obviously, due to the lack of Stephen A. Smith here. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did researching this over the past few days. If Jay Bilas was breaking down this blog, he would likely say that it is "a solid all-around blog that has a tendency to lack focus and composure". Couldn't agree more, Jay.