Helping Out Chris Berman

I know, I know, let me explain. The title of today's post has to have you questioning your faith in me. But it shouldn't. I'm here to help. From the beginning, this blog has always maintained a stance of helping out when they are needed. So today, I reach my hand out to Chris Berman (pictured, unfortunately not being eaten by a real shark).

The talentless drunk is in San Diego this weekend hamming it up on ESPN's coverage of The US Open at Torrey Pines. And you know what that means...hours and hours of overused and retarded nicknames!!! I'm looking at you David "Ground Control To Major" Toms. So today, GMoney (3rd person reference!) is doing Berman's work for him. Yes, I'm dishing out nicknames to some of the golfers in the field. I don't mind giving random people weird nicknames anyway but now that I can do it in the guise of Mr. Back Back Back, well, I'm excited. Let's begin:

D.A. POINTS out the pie stains on my jacket
Milf HUNTER HAAS
JASON BOHN Thugs N Harmony...See you at the Crossroads
DUSTIN the wind JOHNSON
TIGER I banged that fat biker chick in the WOODS
STEVE I'd like to wear his FLESCH
Kentucky Bourbon RICH BEEM
MICHAEL mmm mmm good CAMPBELL (shout out to the hometown!)
JESPER the friendly ghost PARNEVIK
Trick or treat BOO WEEKLEY (I think he could actually use this one)
Cleopatra and Marc ANTHONY KIM
JORDAN plays with little boy's COX
TRAVIS BERTONI Basil...Hey Mickey!
Do you want to touch my PETER TOMASULO
DEREK Chris Berman is incredibly FATHAUER
JUSTIN HICKS only enjoy auto racing



ROCCO Sifredi MEDIATE
BRAD BRYANT Heating and Cooling Doug McLean Show (ah, the old 1460 Wednesday afternoon radio staple)
Payne STUART still makes me laugh APPLEBY
PAT PEREZ Hilton sucks balls
MATT left me put it in your KUCHAR
SOREN The Lariat HANSEN
ERIC AXLEY bodyspray
BEN CRANE collapse in New York City
YOHANN the butler BENSON (Robert Guillaume joke!)
JONATHAN General MILLS
JARROD LYLE the retarded guy that hangs out at the Henry County Fair (see you in Hell)
ROB RASHELL down by the seashore
STEWART everything and the kitchen CINK
You're with me, TREVOR IMMELMANN
MIKE WEIR (I just realized that if you say his name fast, you say "My Queer")
RETIEF the sweet, sweet taste of Grey GOOSEN
SCOTT walk the VERPLANK
AARON Men Behaving BADDELEY (remember that show? Rob Schneider? Anyone?)
ANGEL don't you dare call him Ryan CABRERA
BUBBA elementary my dear WATSON
BRETT when she's passed out, who cares if she's not WETTERICH
JONATHAN BYRD on a Wire
ROSS don't call me Amy FISHER
BRANDT JOBE Bluth the illusionist
JASON GORE invented the internet
PHILIPPE explosive GASNIER
SEAN O'HAIR international airport
IAN POULTERgeist
LUKE you're fired DONALD
JOHN Henry ROLLINS Band
JUSTIN Cracklin' ROSE you're a store bought woman
ERNIE ELSinore (yep, a Strange Brew reference, you hoser)
My Favorite MARTIN KAYMER
JEFF The Mighty QUINNEY
JUSTIN LEONARD Part VI
COLINoscopy MONTGOMERIE
ANDREW bend you over the DRESSER
and eventhough he isn't entered, DAVID doo-wa diddy diddy dum diddy DUVAL

Well, there you go. Let me know your favorite or one that I should have used. Who knows, maybe you'll pick a better Bermanism (not likely). They obviously aren't perfect...or even funny for that matter. But these are Chris Berman nicknames and he hasn't been funny since Desert Storm. For the record, I'm picking the field over Tiger and Phil.