Monday, June 23, 2008
I know what you're thinking: "Why in the hell are we talking about Jeff Conine"? That is an extremely fair question. I mean, not even the Conine family talks about Jeff Conine anymore. But recently, especially after seeing the Padres play last week, I've noticed an influx of old, crappy players coming back to the bigs and shocking fans everywhere with their ability to still be alive. So I've researched every major league roster and have come up with a 25 man roster of players that I'm sure most of you had no idea were still being paid to play baseball. For the past 5-6 years, I've never failed to ask the question, "why is Jeff Conine still playing"? He is the poster boy of this team, but he is not alone. Let's get started unveiling the 2008 Jeff Conine All-Stars.
Let me preface this by saying that the manager of this fine squad is none other than Cito Gaston! Recently, Gaston has taken time off from the Danny Glover lookalike circuit (I'm gettin' too old for this shit!) to come back to baseball, so we're recognizing him with this distinct honor as well.
Granted their unconditional release (they didn't make the team) - Daryle Ward, Gabe Kapler, Mark Sweeney, and Mike Sweeney
C: Michael Barrett, Sal Fasano - Barrett was an all-star I think and now he's hitting less than most pitchers with the Padres. Fasano is known for being the first mustachioed plumber/catcher in baseball history.
1B: Tony Clark, Chris Shelton - Clark hasn't been decent since the 90's and features a wide variety of gray hair these days. Big Red Shelton couldn't even produce for the Mud Hens yet he's good enough for the Rangers...sounds about right.
2B: Ray Durham, Damion Easley - This team could easily be the Durham All-Stars, seeing how I have never understood why he is still an everyday player let alone making 7.5 mill this year. Easley will always be known as my college roommate's least favorite Tiger ever. This same roommate was also the proud owner of a Dean Palmer jersey though.
SS: Jolbert Cabrera, Chris Gomez - Cabrera is best known for getting shot in the ass as a member of the Tribe and recently resurfaced with the Reds at the ripe age of 35. Chris Gomez fucking sucks...how does he keep getting work?
3B: Aaron Boone, Russell Branyan - At least Boone will always be remembered for his homer in 2003 but I did not know until today that he was still playing. Branyan is garbage but apparently better than Bill Hall.
OF: Luis Gonzalez, Fernando Tatis, Jody Gerut - Gonzo is a shell of a man that most of us thought retired 3 seasons ago. Tatis is the proud owner of the biggest ears in the game as well as numerous steroid implications. Gerut has been cut by some of the worst teams in baseball yet is the leadoff hitter for San Diego (have you noticed all the Padres on this team?).
SP: Chan Ho Park, Mike Hampton, Shawn Estes, Scott Elarton, Casey Fossum - Park and Hampton are still alive eventhough they should have been jailed for highway robbery. Estes couldn't get me out. Elarton and Fossum should be pitching in whatever league is lower than the one that Dontrelle Willis is at.
RP: Danys Baez, Kent Mercker, Darren Oliver, Randy Choate, Alan Embree, Arthur Rhodes - This will make you puke, Baez is making over 6 mill this season. I swear that Mercker died 8 years ago. Oliver is a left-handed Oil Can Boyd. I liked Choate when he was with the Yankees but I was surprised to see him still around...but he pitches on a team that employs Eric Gagne so it makes sense. Embree is a sack of shit. I've discussed in the past why I hate Arthur Rhodes who I think just celebrated his 83rd birthday.
Closer: Eddie Guardado - When the hell did "Everyday" come back anyway??? Lardo is an excellent choice to close games for this team.
I hope that helped. Now you all know what kind of crappy players are still making jack while you sit in your cubicle with your pants off. But as bad as this team appears to be, I'd still take them over the Mariners...and I'm sure that they could outscore the Indians.