Wednesday, May 07, 2008
We're going a bit of a different route here today. Yes, today is an open forum. In honor of Andy Reid's son, Garrett, who was sent to the state prison this week for sneaking prescription pills into county jail, we're bringing out the gavel. Yep, we're going to judge who the worst sons in the world are. We feel that we have a superb list of nominees who have all displayed their poor morals and bad decisions on multiple occasions. I've come up with my top 5 list and we will be hearing the case of each set separately. In the end, we will have only one winner; only one pair of siblings that dominate the field as far as being a family embarrassment.
So let's get started because I'm sure that this debate will go long into the night. Are you ready, Judge Mathis? He's ready. Let's go. First up:
Garrett and Britt Reid
For: Garrett Reid is already serving time in the county jail for a heroin-fueled car crash that injured a motorist and of course his recent arrest for prison drug smuggling. Britt Reid is in a county drug-court program after pleading guilty to separate drug and gun charges. The kids have had every advantage in the world due to their father's successes, yet preferred to piss it away on the mean streets of Philly.
Against: You know, you think that with all the stress that these kids have given to their parents, that their dad might lose a little bit of weight. But instead, Pops is tipping the scales at a near 550 pounds. I'm not sure I can take them seriously if their arrests aren't even making dad drop the fork.
Peyton, Eli, and Cooper Manning
For: They probably aren't bad people, but they are definitely insufferable. If they aren't winning Super Bowls or giving awkward facial expressions, they are clogging up your TV with awful commercials. I can take one Manning, but I can't take two. Thank God that Cooper was unable to play due to some disease or the three would have certainly taken over the NFL like some sort of bizarro Axis Powers. Don't be fooled, these guys are truly evil.
Against: Well, their dad loves them. How do we know? Because Big Combover is always mugging for the cameras whenever he's near his boys. I don't blame him for trying to stay in the spotlight. After all, he was never close to being a winner and has to experience that feeling through his grown-up sperm. But I do have a problem with that hair. It doubles as a nest for bald eagles. The recent Super Bowl wins make it hard for the Manning's to be the worst sons since Dad has finally accepted them as family members and not a second coming of himself.
Ray and Robert Barone
For: Come on, are you serious? I really need to explain this? I realize that they are fictitious, but that doesn't mean that they suck. Even in real life, these two guys suck something fierce. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Raymond is the worst TV show of all time. Do you know why Peter Boyle died? He sat at a table in between Ray and Robert and killed himself after a minute and a half of these two trading "jokes". These two are that unfunny. You want to do a good Brad Garrett impression? Try to talk like you think a dog would sound like if it could talk. That is Brad Garrett in a nutshell.
Against: There really is no redeeming quality for these two to not be the worst sons ever. Romano was funny on SNL as faux SportsCenter anchor, Chet Harper. Garrett is a Yankees fan. Since Billy Crystal is also in that same boat, I'm not giving him any credit for that. They say that bad things happen in three's...well now that Boyle passed, I'm still waiting on Garrett and Romano to follow. But then again, would that be a bad thing???
Erik and Lyle Menendez
For: Does it get any worse than killing your parents??? What a story this was back in the day. They initially were ruled out as suspects but were stupid and started blowing all of the life insurance money which just so happened to be a giant red flag to the authorities. It probably didn't help that Erik confessed to the crime to his therapist who reported him even after being threatened not to by Lyle. At the trial, their defense attorney claimed that the murder was justified due to years of sexual abuse. Yeah, it didn't work.
Against: If they didn't want to be abused, they shouldn't have looked so hot as youngsters. Roger Clemens has been there himself. Sometimes it's hard for adults to lay off of that teenage ass. I'm not a big fan of kid's killing their parents in the first place, but when they go see Batman at the theater right after shooting ma and pa, that's kind of dispiccable. We'll see what Judge Mathis decides on this one, but with the murder of their parents, Erik and Lyle are definitely in the running.
Skip and Rick Bayless
For: Skip Bayless is the biggest horse's ass associated with sports--check that, in the HISTORY of the world. I'm almost certain that this dandy-boy doesn't even watch games but just the highlights ten minutes before he goes on camera. He knows nothing about anything that he covers and bases all of his arguments on personal grudges. I hate him. I'd be willing to bet that his parents have long since killed themselves out of sheer embarrassment of Skippy and his lack of journalistic integrity.
Against: I'm sure Rick Bayless is a nice guy. He's a professional chef, which is cool. And I'm starting to get severely hooked on The Food Network, too. But, does Rick being a good person make up for his brother being a grouchy, old curmudgeon. Well, that's why the Judge is here. He's paid to make these tough decisions for me.
ALL RISE!!! Judge Mathis is ready to rule...
Verdict: I have weighed the positions of all parties and I must say, I am truly disgusted. Reid's, how can you treat your parents like that? You are a disappointment and an embarrassment to your family. Manning's, eh, you're OK but it's perfectly fine to actually turn down an endorsement once in awhile. Barone's, I'd rather 69 Judge Judy than watch one damn minute of your show. The fact that your jokes made Peter Boyle die can not go unpunished. Erik and Lyle, YOU KILLED YOUR PARENTS and almost got away with it. And Skip and Rick, we need both of your personalities to meet in the middle and maybe that will make Skip tolerable. But that's a big maybe. I've made my decision: The Worst Sons In The World are...
Erik and Lyle Menendez. For the 19th year in a row, the murdering brothers take home this title. For as bad as the other contenders are, you just can't deny shooting your parents with a shotgun. The reward for winning this prestigious award is to get those shotguns back out of the evidence locker and put Skip Bayless out of his misery. Congratulations, guys. Once you take care of Skip, the world will forgive you and you spend the rest of your lives dining on the nether regions of the Dahm triplets.
Well, that was fun. Did I forget anyone? I thought my five were either really deserving or really annoying. Let's debate, who are the worst sons in the world???