Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Playing Matchmaker For Indiana Jones

I am pumped. If there is one franchise of movies that I love, it is the Indiana Jones trilogy. I'm not afraid to admit that I've spent countless hours on the couch over the past 2 weeks re-watching the trilogy on cable. Needless to say, as Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens today, I could not be more excited. From what I've read thus far, the critics haven't necessarily loved it, but they didn't hate it either. And that's a breath of fresh air considering that George Lucas has a tendency to fuck up a good thing as of late. The only thing that worries me at all is the infusion of Shia LeBouf (his name sounds like the name of a high end gay bar) into this film. But I don't even think that he could screw this up. My Jones-bone is ready to explode.

Anyway, one thing that I always wondered about Indy is why he never settled down. I mean, he's a pimp archaelogist, he's loaded, he's got a whip, his dad is Sean Connery; how has not one woman been able to tie him down yet? And that leads me to today's topic. We're going to examine Indy's filmed conquests and try to figure out what sabotaged the relationship and whether any of these women were, in fact, his soulmate. That's right, I'm playing matchmaker. By the way, if you've never seen the movies, a.) you're gay and b.) take today off because you aren't needed around these parts. We'll go in chronological order:

Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen)
Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Occupation: Nepalese Tavern Owner
Pros: Self-reliant - hey, she owns a bar in the remote mountains of Nepal
Religious - she's been wearing that damn headpiece around her neck for years
Fun - she whipped that mountain man's ass in the drinking contest
Animal lover - she sure did befriend that traitorous monkey real quick
Bravery - I would've released all my bodily fluids in that snake pit, she took it in stride
Steady hand - even I was surprised that she was precise with that airplane machine gun
Caring - it was very sweet of Marion to help dress all of Indy's wounds and forgive him for falling asleep before coitus

Cons: Abrasive - she has quite the sailor's mouth
Violent Drunk - she shot a guy after winning that drinking contest
Ambiguous body - I'm not sure what to think really, the dark complexion and not very womanly features makes me feel that she was a little too post-op tranny
Scornful - she sure did hold onto that grudge against Indy for way too long
Insane - she spent half the movie parading around in a wedding dress
Easily spotted - she was captured by the Nazi's about 40 times
Two-faced - If you watch it again, I've noticed that she flirts with Sallah a bit too much, I think she wanted a little Egyptian in her
Summary: I like Marion. I enjoy her feistiness. But she seems like kind of a bitch and one of those chicks that would give you a safety word before heading to bed. I can see why she and Indy didn't work out.

Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw)
Temple of Doom
Occupation: Shanghai Lounge Singer
Pros: Successful - I'm guessing that a singer in China makes decent money
Enormo Rack - check out the end of the movie when her shirt is
Tasteful - I would have lost all respect for her had she eaten the chilled monkey brain
Confused - she wasn't the only one who had no idea what they were watching when Indy went into that weirdo cave with the crazy rituals
Inflammable - that one dude tried to throw her in that fire pit, but she would not burn
Quasi-friendly - I could never be friends with a sassy Asian kid, I applaud her for trying
Strong - when Indy cut the rope bridge, I know that I would have fallen into the croc-filled river
Compassionate - come on, she helped shut down a sweat shop

Cons: Annoying - hands down the most annoying human being of all time
Self-centered - she wanted a big diamond over helping getting Indy the antidote
Animal hater - dumping perfume on an elephant...for shame
Indian giver - asking for soup and then turning it down because there were a few eyeballs in it
Bitch - delayed helping Indy and Short Round just because of a few bugs
Tease - Indy offered an apple for sex...she turned him down!
Sassy - seemed indignant toward the British Army's arrival and rescue
Insulting - turned down the food at the Indian village eventhough the residents were starving
Repetitive - kept saying "fortune and glory" throughout the movie...very pointless
Whore - slept with director (she's married to Spielberg)
Summary: Willie fucking sucked. She was an annoying bitch who hurt Indy and Short Round more than she helped. But in the end, those mammaries help ease the pain of her shrill voice. But I could see Indy tiring of her constant nagging.

Elsa Schneider (Alison Doody)
Movie: Last Crusade
Occupation: Doctor of some sort
Pros: Smart - she's a doctor for chrissake
Sexy - that robe thing she was wearing in the hotel...nice for the 1930's
Tough - didn't mind walking in a rat-infested gas sewer in high heels
Skilled - knew how to drive a boat...recklessly but still
Still sexy - those weirdo tank goggles that she wore...kind of a turn-on
Perceptive - she could sense Indy's presence in the desert
Determined - she had to have that damn any cost
Quiet - she threatened to scream when Indy was choking her, but thought against it

Cons: Nazi - she was a Nazi
Manipulative - that was one hell of a show she put on just to get a book; totally blind-sided Indy
Gross - she slept with a father and son and I'm pretty sure that she fucked that Donovan guy
Disloyal - said that she was loyal to the Grail, not the Swastika...someone tell Hitler immediately
Thief - she stole all of the Jones's notes just by using her vagina as a distraction
Poor Cup Chooser - just ask Walter Donovan, she should have known that that was not the cup of a carbondary
Murderer - she chose that cup on purpose, I bet
Idiot - Indy said not to take the Cup past the damn seal, you dumbass--Indy's earned the right for people to always listen to him
Summary: Elsa is definitely hot but I don't think that you could ever relax around her. In the back of your mind, you would have to always worry about her selling you out for her own personal gain. Good thing for Indy that she is still falling down that crevice near Alexandretta.

So did Indy and his "screw them and leave 'em" philsophy make sense? I think so. None of these chicks were perfect. They all had massive flaws. I mean, the guy could live the rest of his days running trains through his students with his dad and the sexy Egyptian shriner, Sallah. Believe me, he's going to beat Wilt Chamberlain's record since, after drinking from the Holy Grail, he's never going to die now. His goal should be to get laid in every country.

Indiana Jones is too much of a pimp to be saddled down by one woman. These broads knew what they were getting into when they tried to reign him in. This guy carries around a whip at all times and wears a fedora no matter what circumstance, he ain't going to the store to pick up diapers and milk. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

So, play on, Indy. I hope the 4th installment of this series finds you still using and abusing more and more women (preferrably more Nazi's eventhough the timetable would make it grossly inaccurate). I will lose a ton of respect for Indy if he nails the jagged and disgusting Cate Blanchett though. That being said, I can't wait to hit the theater this weekend.


The Big Picture said...

marion's last name was ravenwood? sounds like a wine!

nice post Graig!

J Beanie said...

Wow. I don't know what to think. Should I be impressed with your Indiana Jones knowledge? Or should I be disgusted that in a classic guy movie where you should just sit back, relax and enjoy the awesomeness of it, you are more worried about a love story than anything else?

Tony B. said...

Good thing you didn't do this post with James Bond... you'd have a lot more girls to run through.

Matt said...

I think Pops Jones taught Indy a few of things he learned back in his 007 days.

And Cate Blanchett isn't a bad bag for a 60 something professor.

Upstate Underdog said...

Cate Blanchett > Karen Allen

GMoney said...

Raiders Karen or Crystal Skull Karen? Because she hasn't aged well.

Upstate Underdog said...

both G$