Monday, May 26, 2008

The Middle Finger: Annoying Fans

I have to admit, I'm not very angry at the world this week. And that should come as a huge surprise to those that know me. After all, Indiana Jones sucked, my allergies came back in full force, and I likely destroyed 30% of my liver over the holiday weekend. But that being said, I am happy. I am incredibly excited because for the first time since the 2003 ALCS, this blogger is heading back to Yankee Stadium. Yes, I'll be heading back to baseball Mecca on June 17th albeit for the last time. I love that place. I'm so pumped to be heading back eventhough it's just a quick 24 hour trip with back-to-back red eye flights. Doesn't matter. I'm three weeks away from saying goodbye to one of the most historic sporting venues of all time. And I couldn't be happier.

But, the show must go on here in the blogging world and since it's Tuesday, that means someone has to be on the receiving end of a Middle Finger. Well, how about I just give it to annoying baseball fans throughout the country. Today, I'm just going to tell you how to behave at baseball games so that, much like me, you will grow to hate the people that break these rules and you will finally be able to contribute to society. Let's go.

The Wave is for fags - Don't ever, no matter how drunk you are, take part in this abortion of an event. It's cliche, it's stupid, and it's almost always started by a group of 5-6 collar-popping frat boys. Don't be like that. Don't be those guys.

Choose your food wisely - This is a subtle thing that I always pick up on. You can judge the level of fanhood of the other people in your area by the food that they eat. Hot dog, any type of sausage, nachos, soft pretzel, and especially peanuts tells the world that you know the game. Popcorn, any type of a dessert food, cotton candy, anything chicken, and burgers is for the person who doesn't know the difference between a closer and a set-up man. If you want a fucking burger, go to a bar across the street. Any meat eaten at a ballgame goes in a hotdog bun. Popcorn is for the fucking movies.

Don't keep score - If you are under 80 years old, I shouldn't need to tell you this anyway.

Be a prick but don't be a prick - Look, when I have a few beers in me, my voice gets loud and the sailor mouth comes out in full force. If you and your family don't like it, then go to Hell. I paid for the ticket and I paid for the beer, that is my fucking space and I can do and say whatever I want to in said space. But, if they ask nicely, go ahead and tone it down for an inning or two. That being said, if you are lucky enough to catch a foul ball, give it to a little kid. It will make the kid's day and what the fuck are you going to do with a baseball anyway?

Don't try to have sex with little boys - Let me clarify that, if you are over the age of 10 and you bring a glove to the game, you are a pedophile. I don't know how many times I'm watching a game and some idiot in the stands is wearing a baseball glove. Be a fucking man. Even if you are lucky enough to have one hit in your direction, you look like a tool with your glove, fanny pack, and mojito. Look, you should always attempt to barehand it in that situation. Catch it, you're the hero of the section. Miss it and at least you tried and were man enough to risk the health of your hand for a ball off the bat of Henry Blanco. In summary, non-kids that bring a glove to a baseball game should be burned alive/be forced to be a season ticket holder for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

You aren't clever so just stop - Along the lines of not bringing a glove, the same can be said about bringing signs to a game. They're always stupid. Ooooooooh, it's a clever take on "WGN", you are so damn witty. And if it gets you on TV for two seconds, so what? Your life does not change at all. You still come here every day and read this blog with your pants around your ankles.

There. I hope I helped. Please, the next time that you are out at a game, help spread this message. Loudly rip on the glove-wearers and signholders. Kill the person eating a churro. Get as drunk as possible and ask your buddies if you should run onto the field. And for God's sake, DON'T PUT KETCHUP ON A HOT DOG.

So enjoy your Middle Finger, offenders of these rules. Considering that Yankees fans are the greatest and most knowledgeable fans in the world, I expect to not have to put up with any of this shit in 3 weeks. And now I leave you as I scour the internets in search of a Joba/Baseball Jesus jersey. Enjoy the 4 day work week.


Anonymous said...

What's wrong with putting catsup on a hotdog?? If I pay 4$ at the game for a hotdog, I should be able to put whatever I want on it!


GMoney said...

Note to self: Dut wants to drink from my hose.

NEVER put ketchup on a hotdog. In some countries, it's an arrestable offense and I'm sure that my loyal law minds will back that claim up.

Matt said...

How did you know?! Do you have a camera on me?!?!

Tony B. said...

How about fans that talk shit by saying, "YOU SUCK" or "YOU'RE GAY." Most players will even tell you that they don't hear that anymore because they know it means you're not witty enough to come up with something funny.

Upstate Underdog said...

Seriously, ketchup on hot dogs is for 3 year old girls. I'll be at "The Stadium" in 2 weeks. Saw my first game there in 1978. Yeah, I'm old. Wanna fight about it?

Anonymous said...

Ketchup? That Dut guy really brings this blog down. Nacho Supreme at Comerica...greatest deal in the Majors.

--the Wig Master

Anonymous said...

If you can put mustard on a Brat, why not catsup on a hotdog??? I'm gonna have to agree with Dut on this one, I like my dogs lined with a straight line of mustard and catsup.
Maybe its just the generation gap?

-Jon Saul

Anonymous said...

G$- If I pay 4$ for a hotdog I should get a complimentary drink from your hose. I think Upstate underdog and Jon said guys are just too old to understand the greatness of catsup on a hotdog!

*I should add this...I was at a game and one of my friends (Knepley I think) ordered a hotdog and asked for catsup. Hotdog guy at Comerica (the guy who yells hoooott doooogggssss really loud at Tiger games) wouldn't give him catsup even though it was in his basket! Looks like you riff raffs all have something in common.


GMoney said...

You guys are an embarrassment to the already embarrassing Tigers fanbase. You don't put ketchup on pork. Period.

Mustard on a brat is one of the finest things ever.

GMoney said...

I'm sorry, Dut, but I believe that this country is slowly turning into one giant pussy and the reason behind it is you and you're catsup eating brethren. You are ruining our country one hot dog at a time.

Mac G said...

I am mustard, kraut hot dog and chilli nachos ballpark guy. I almost bought a hot chocolate at Nats game in April because it was 40 degrees. I thought about how lame it was and got another beer instead.

I would add the annoying people who wave to the TV camera while on their cell phone. I hate those people.

I agree with Tony B, fans who yell unoriginal, unfunny comments suck.

I think this post describes every encounter I have had with Red Sox fans at Camden Yards.

Upstate Underdog said...

don't even get me started on the whole ketchup vs. catsup debate. It's like when you wacky mid-Westerners call sneakers "tennis shoes".

Ketchup belongs on french fries and onion rings, nothing else.

Tony B. said...

Hot Dog etiquette:

Mustard: GOOD
Mustard and Relish: DELICIOUS
Mustard and Ketchup: OK
Ketchup Only: Only OK if you're 12 years old and under
Mustard, Relish, Onions, and Ketchup with an Old Style: Let's do this

Anonymous said...

I put mustard and relish and then have a pile of ketchup on hand to "dip" the dog every so often. I think its delicious. I also don't know who's only paying $4 for a hot dog these days. They are at least $6-$8 out here in California. Bet you're still paying less than $10 to see a movie too.

Upstate Underdog said...

also the fucking bomb on hot dogs is meat sauce. I know the words meat sauce together sounds really gay, but it's not.

GMoney said...

"Meat sauce" is the #1 phrase that gets people to this blog.

Anonymous said...

I find that pizza is also an acceptable baseball food. I am also a proud ketchup on my hot dog eater.

Have fun at the arm pit of the world. John Rocker really got it right about New York.


Anonymous said...

With all this talk about mustard I am completely shocked that nobody has brought up Stadium Style my opinion, being at any sports venue and getting any other kind of mustard is a sin and should get you ejected from the game.

-Lil' Strut