Monday, May 26, 2008
I have to admit, I'm not very angry at the world this week. And that should come as a huge surprise to those that know me. After all, Indiana Jones sucked, my allergies came back in full force, and I likely destroyed 30% of my liver over the holiday weekend. But that being said, I am happy. I am incredibly excited because for the first time since the 2003 ALCS, this blogger is heading back to Yankee Stadium. Yes, I'll be heading back to baseball Mecca on June 17th albeit for the last time. I love that place. I'm so pumped to be heading back eventhough it's just a quick 24 hour trip with back-to-back red eye flights. Doesn't matter. I'm three weeks away from saying goodbye to one of the most historic sporting venues of all time. And I couldn't be happier.
But, the show must go on here in the blogging world and since it's Tuesday, that means someone has to be on the receiving end of a Middle Finger. Well, how about I just give it to annoying baseball fans throughout the country. Today, I'm just going to tell you how to behave at baseball games so that, much like me, you will grow to hate the people that break these rules and you will finally be able to contribute to society. Let's go.
The Wave is for fags - Don't ever, no matter how drunk you are, take part in this abortion of an event. It's cliche, it's stupid, and it's almost always started by a group of 5-6 collar-popping frat boys. Don't be like that. Don't be those guys.
Choose your food wisely - This is a subtle thing that I always pick up on. You can judge the level of fanhood of the other people in your area by the food that they eat. Hot dog, any type of sausage, nachos, soft pretzel, and especially peanuts tells the world that you know the game. Popcorn, any type of a dessert food, cotton candy, anything chicken, and burgers is for the person who doesn't know the difference between a closer and a set-up man. If you want a fucking burger, go to a bar across the street. Any meat eaten at a ballgame goes in a hotdog bun. Popcorn is for the fucking movies.
Don't keep score - If you are under 80 years old, I shouldn't need to tell you this anyway.
Be a prick but don't be a prick - Look, when I have a few beers in me, my voice gets loud and the sailor mouth comes out in full force. If you and your family don't like it, then go to Hell. I paid for the ticket and I paid for the beer, that is my fucking space and I can do and say whatever I want to in said space. But, if they ask nicely, go ahead and tone it down for an inning or two. That being said, if you are lucky enough to catch a foul ball, give it to a little kid. It will make the kid's day and what the fuck are you going to do with a baseball anyway?
Don't try to have sex with little boys - Let me clarify that, if you are over the age of 10 and you bring a glove to the game, you are a pedophile. I don't know how many times I'm watching a game and some idiot in the stands is wearing a baseball glove. Be a fucking man. Even if you are lucky enough to have one hit in your direction, you look like a tool with your glove, fanny pack, and mojito. Look, you should always attempt to barehand it in that situation. Catch it, you're the hero of the section. Miss it and at least you tried and were man enough to risk the health of your hand for a ball off the bat of Henry Blanco. In summary, non-kids that bring a glove to a baseball game should be burned alive/be forced to be a season ticket holder for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
You aren't clever so just stop - Along the lines of not bringing a glove, the same can be said about bringing signs to a game. They're always stupid. Ooooooooh, it's a clever take on "WGN", you are so damn witty. And if it gets you on TV for two seconds, so what? Your life does not change at all. You still come here every day and read this blog with your pants around your ankles.
There. I hope I helped. Please, the next time that you are out at a game, help spread this message. Loudly rip on the glove-wearers and signholders. Kill the person eating a churro. Get as drunk as possible and ask your buddies if you should run onto the field. And for God's sake, DON'T PUT KETCHUP ON A HOT DOG.
So enjoy your Middle Finger, offenders of these rules. Considering that Yankees fans are the greatest and most knowledgeable fans in the world, I expect to not have to put up with any of this shit in 3 weeks. And now I leave you as I scour the internets in search of a Joba/Baseball Jesus jersey. Enjoy the 4 day work week.