Sunday, May 04, 2008
Close your eyes for me for just a moment. Now picture Marvin Harrison. A portrait of class and civility. A model for what all athletes should strive to be. We all have a darker side, I guess. I always thought that Marvin's ugly side would just be something as simple as skipping church on a Sunday to sleep in. Because the reports out of Philadelphia are certainly disturbing. The fact that Marvin is even being questioned for shooting a guy has blown my mind. If anything, Harrison is being a huge hypocrite. After all, since I owned Harrison in two fantasy leagues last year, I should be the one shooting him. Anyway, it will sure be interesting to see where this story goes.
Like I said, Marvin Harrison is one of the last athletes on the planet that I would believe committed a severe crime. But alas, I've spent the entire weekend thinking of a handful of crimes that would shock me more than this potential shooting. I've listed them below. Keep in mind, Buzz Bissinger, these are not true, just situations that would be more unbelievable than Marvin Harrison shooting a guy in the hand after murdering millions of fantasy teams this past season.
Joe Gibbs crosses sports and takes football fans over with him to NASCAR
--Shit, bad example. It should be a crime and Papa Joe should be arrested for it. But I can't stay mad at him...I just love him too much.
Greg Maddux has leg bitten off by illegally-owned pet tiger
--I can only imagine that ESPN will break the news story later this week about how Maddux was once again denied his 350th victory. But this time, it was the Tigers. No, not the white trash team from Detroit, but Maddux's pet tiger, Spots. He was alleged to also be involved in an underground American tiger-fighting league. He is dead after having his leg bitten off.
Sean Casey funds back-alley abortion clinics
--I really don't like The Mayor. He seems annoying. But every time one of his game's is televised, it's just a Sean Casey love-fest. That's why I think it would be great to hear that he was directly responsible for supplying unlicensed medical people with rusty coat hangers and dumpsters.
Arnold Palmer has been raping country club members for years by drugging their Arnold Palmer's
--The golf/soft drink magnate has been fooling people for years...but not me. I know what he's been up to. By making his half iced tea/half lemonade/half Rohypnol beverages, he's been able to maintain a still staunch membership of Arnie's Army. Of course, his army is comprised almost entirely of his bastard rape byproducts.
LaDanian Tomlinson strangles handicapped children
--How do you think that LDT deals with his constant January disappointments? I mean, he has to burn off that steam somehow, he sure as hell isn't doing it on the field. So this makes perfect sense. If he tries to strangle "normies", they would just spend their last moments on earth laughing at him for choking in the postseason again. The handicapped barely know how to walk and would make for a much more satisfying reflection of power for LaDanian.
Tim Duncan smuggles balloons of cocaine into the country via his ass
--Michael Vick getting busted for haveing weed in his water bottle would be nothing compared to this scandal. How could an MVP and World Champion like Duncan get involved in the drug trade, you ask? Well, Duncan was born in the US Virgin Islands. Those islands happen to sell the best medicine in the world to cure "Pitface Syndrome". He was trying to help out Coach Popovich cure that problem. Unfortunately, Pop didn't have the scratch to keep paying for these treatments. And Duncan didn't want to leave a paper trail. So he agreed to balloon some coke for the US Virgin Islands drug cartel. Makes sense, right?
Sidney Crosby actually fornicates with broads from Pittsburgh
--Just the thought should make you puke your guts out. Pittsburgh women make Tony Siragusa look like Marisa Miller. They're just disgusting. Do a google search for them...if you find any that don't look like a post-op tranny, I will be impressed.
Lou Holtz is a serial arsenist
--This one could actually happen. Pissed off that all those pesky bloggers make light of his gigantic speech impediment, Holtz starts driving around the country burning down the offices of every speech therapist in the country. He has to watch out though because if he starts talking while to attempting to torch the place, his spit could easily put out the flame. And he knows how to do magic!
And finally...Jim Tressel donates money to Al Qaeda
--Not much of a stretch here. When Gentleman Jim was born, his parents named him Osama bin Tressel. Fearing that he would be made fun of by his peers, they gave him the inoccuous name of Jim. But deep down, Tress never forgot his roots. He trademarked the sweater vest and used that to build a national champion-caliber program. Most of Tress's salary and endorsements are funnelled via back channels through the Cayman Islands and into the Middle East. Jim Tressel also runs a terrorist school in suburban Columbus.
Wow, I'm shocked. At least these things haven't happened...yet.