Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "Old Skinner Family recipe for steamed hams" Edition.
***Frank Caliendo is going to have a turrrrible time not using this in his act - Sir Charles owed the Wynn Resort a small chunk of money this week when the casino made it public that Barkley failed to re-pay $400,000. Look, I love Charles. He's honest, refreshing, and hilarious. But the guy seems to have some serious issues with gambling. Now he says that he's going to quit...I don't believe that for one second. If he's thinking about quitting something, he should give up golf. Have you seen that swing? I've seen rotting hooker corpses swing a club better than that. But that's my problem. I shouldn't be taking dead nightwalkers onto the golf course anyway.
***Remember, they still have Larry Hughes - I have to admit, I like the half hour NBA lottery selection special. Even though the Cavs weren't involved, I still like it. It literally just ended and the big winner is the Chicago Bulls who were so shitty and unpleasant to watch this year that the sports Gods rewarded them with the #1 overall pick. Now the debate begins for them: Beasley or Rose. I'm thinking Rose here since he's from Chicago and Kirk Hinrich looks like a vampire that blows at basketball. Remember when I talked shit about how the Miami Heat should be ashamed for tanking? Well, fuck them, they may have gotten the two pick but they wanted the first. So suck on those nuts, Riley. I loved how Mike D'Antoni looked pissed when it was revealed that the Knicks would pick 6th...good stuff. The Bulls should be beating potential coaching candidates off with both hands now. But fear two things, Drew Gooden and Larry are still on the roster.
***Never trust a guy with two first names - You know, I think that Al Davis, Mike Brown, and Dan Snyder are the dumbest owners in football and Jerry Jones is a complete buttfucker--where was I--oh, Arthur Blank might be the worst of the bunch. Raise your hand if you would give a kid who's never played a down in the NFL 72 million dollars over 6 years. I'm waiting...no takers? Yeah, I thought so. Matt Ryan making 12 million per year tells me that Rex Grossman should be making 30 million per year. It will help pay his bar tab and planned parenthood visits at least. If I was a Falcons fan, I would have killed myself years ago. The embarrassments keep on rolling in for this once...umm, not really proud but they were around at least...franchise. I mean, they had Ray Guy fer chrissakes!!!
***Didn't he move into Del Boca Vista three years ago? - The worst defensive player in baseball history (may not be true) has officially called it quits. Mike Piazza has announced his retirement eventhough no one cares and I didn't know that he played the last few years anyway. In all honesty, he is a hall of famer and has to go down as the best 62nd round pick of all time. I always found it humorous that the gay rumors swirled around him like Bostonians at a douche bag convention. Needless to say that all the fans of the Mets are wiping tears out of their mustaches today. I wish Piazza the best of luck and hope he enjoys fornicating around Castro Street for the rest of his days. He's earned that right.
***He'll have more time to cockfight now - Professional instigator, Pedro Martinez, also announced that this year will likely be his last season. He must be overworked from the 6 innings that he's pitched over the past 3 seasons. Reports say that his dad has brain cancer and he wants to spend time with him. That's pretty damn noble of Pedro and I actually wish him all the best. Since he wasn't there for the death of his midget buddy, I suppose that spending time with his old man is the right thing to do. Throwing at people's heads and Mexican jheri curls will never be the same again.
***Wait a minute, I might actually watch this - Since the NBA is hellbent on giving us fans a finals matchup that no one wants to see, at least the NHL is doing something right. The Stanley Cup Finals features the league's best young team in Pittsburgh against the league's most popular (in the US at least) franchise with the Red Wings. As a novice hockey fan, this seems too good to be true. I will definitely be tuning into this. The Money Shot is putting it's support behind the Penguins. Both teams have white trash fanbases but I prefer it when any team from Detroit loses and loses miserably. That and a penguin is a nickname for a tuxedo while a red wing is another name for a chick on the rag. Disgusting.
***Wait a minute, I will never watch this even if they killed all the contestants - Most people would say that SpyGate is the worst story of all time. While I agree, charging hard up that list has to be the Bill Parcells/Jason Taylor feud. So what, Taylor spends his offseason dancing with Kristi Yamaguchi and fondling Tom Bergeron...who cares? And Parcells' ego trips are fucking ridiculous. This is his best defensive player by far yet he's alienating him from the team because he's not coming to OPTIONAL mini-camps? I think that Taylor's earned the right not to go. Parcells is a dickhead who's own sense of self-worth is clouding his judgment. I mean seriously, the guy has won as many playoff games in the past decade-plus as Terry Schaivo yet he thinks he's some genius. Well guess what, Tuna, you suck. And even if you stayed in Miami for ten years, they still aren't going to the playoffs anytime soon.
Well, that's it. Tomorrow, I'm taking a break from writing on sports. Yep, you heard me. If you're awesome like me, you love a certain movie franchise that is debuting their long awaited 4th installment tomorrow. We'll be talking about that. It will be sexy, I promise.