Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "Jim Zorn Boner" Edition. Why "Jim Zorn Boner", you ask? Because I was checking my statcounter account yesterday to see how people are finding my site and lo and behold, googling "Jim Zorn Boner" will get you here. And I like that. It's a good slogan for the team, too. Your 2008 Washington Redskins: Jim Zorn Boner. Because if you think about it, it works either way. If we're good, it's a man-crush and if we suck, it was a horrible hire. You see, boner can be a positive and negative. Whew, enough of that though.
***What type of dressing does he prefer on his tossed salad - A good lawyer (not Rusty Hardin) could likely get you off the hook on one count of perjury. But 14 counts? Seems like a very long shot. It's looking more and more like the home run king is going to be serving some hard time (welcome to Oz, bitch). Bonds will be in court on June 6 for some sort of preliminary shit that Roger Cossack will explain to us later. Good God, this is quite the positive press for baseball. The owner of the most sacred record in all of sports not only did hardcore drugs to attain it, but also lied about it to a grand jury...fourteen times. Isn't it hilarious that the Player's Union was calling bollocks on the league for no one signing this guy? He's going to be playing long toss with Ricky Vaughn shortly. Hopefully, Suzanne Dorn will stop by and hook Barry up with at least one conjugal. Mrs. Dorn is very underrated in the cougar department.
***This just goes to show that even the most boring story ever will not effect my love for the league - I am so fucking sick of hearing about Spygate. It is the most boring and pointless story of the year. Nothing was ever going to be done besides the fine and draft pick theft, but yet idiots like Peter King (commencement speaker at the shittiness known as Ohio U this year) kept writing about every damn week. Fuck Matt Walsh. Fuck Roger Goodell. Fuck Arlen Specter. Fuck Bill Belichick. Did I leave anyone out that wasted valuable Sportscenter time over the past few months? Yep, just one and he had nothing to do with this "Gate"...fuck Chad Johnson. I feel better. Now let's get back to what we all want to do anyway: stroking our Jim Zorn Boner.
***He may be unemployed, but he's doing better than Jim Kelly's kid - Ah, yes, the tasteless joke that put me on the map. I won't repeat it, but it's something that only the truly crass would enjoy. You remember Kevin Everett, right? The Bills special teamer that was paralyzed (by a guy who went to Akron) in week one last season and is back to walking again. That alone is a great story. Anyway, the Bills cut him yesterday so he could be eligible for some sort of injury package that will pay him, hopefully, enough money to help pay for all of his rehab. We wish you well, Kevin, but faking a spinal injury is kind of weak. I mean, there's got to be an easier way to admit that you don't want to live in Buffalo.
***XXX Moonshine apparently causes vertigo - This little nugget is just too funny. Close your eyes for a minute and try to picture this: a college hoops coach with a well-publicized and embarrassing DUI, getting off of an airplane and checking his voicemail, tripping over a cone on the tarmac, falling and hitting his head, and being ambulanced away. Well, if you're not already crying with laughter, picture Bob Huggins doing all of this! This is just too damn funny. Not as funny as his DUI video, but I would still like to see footage of this. To be honest, I'm surprised that the God awful state of West Virginia even has flying machines and an airport. I just assumed that drunk hillbillies would jump off the roof while wearing a cape with a belly full of PBR. That was my vision of a West Virginia pilot school. I learned something today. This pic of Huggy is easily one of the best of all time.
***Just because you wear a lovely mustache doesn't mean that your opinion matters - Goose Gossage, fresh off of his Hall of Fame nomination, is also joining the curmudgeon hall of fame as well. Goose had some harsh words for Joba Chamberlain this week. I guess he hates it when pitchers, or anyone in general, show emotion on the baseball field. I suppose he would prefer a game played between robots (the FOX robot perhaps?) incapable of showing any passion at all. OK, Goose, I'll play your game. If a pitcher gets a big out to end the inning, are you saying that he's not allowed to pump his fist? Fuck that, it's not showing anyone up. As long as they don't point at the hitters they just got out or start running their mouth toward the other team's dugout, then what the fuck is the problem? I'm sure that Gossage is just frustrated because those kids just won't get off his damn lawn. Guess what, no one cares what you think...it's not the 1970's anymore.
***I wish there was video of him rear-ending her - It happened this past weekend but that doesn't mean that it isn't funny still. Danica Patrick ran over some guy on pit road and the guy was knocked the fuck out. The video was priceless as the guy was just wandering around like an Alzheimer's patient while a damn car is flying into him. It was totally his fault. I'll even go out on a limb and say that he deserved it. But that doesn't mean that this blog won't stoop to the low level of "woman driver" jokes. Was Danica trying to apply makeup? Is she just a menstrual man hater? Was she sitting too close to the steering wheel? Was she giving some road head? Ah, nothing beats a few unfunny chauvanist jokes.
***Wow, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels is looking fiiiiiiiiine - First of all, this is hands down the worst pic I've ever seen. I always thought that Annika was cute (not hot), but what an uggo. Nothing says "bang me" quite like a tasty man-back. She looks like the lesbian member of Degeneration-X. Anywho, I know you come here for my sexy opinions on the LPGA. Sorenstam is retiring after this season because of Brett Favre...seriously. She saw him on TV during his press conference (the retirement one, not that Vicodin addiction one) and decided that she no longer wanted to compete anymore. My question is why? She won the Massengill Open this past weekend at something like -56 yet she's giving up??? I don't particularly give a fuck and at least announcers will stop talking about how her and Tiger have a competition on who can win the most majors. That was about as annoying as Time Warner's "new" digital cable setup (it fucking sucks). Nobody fucks with my TV.
Alright, that's it. You probably aren't reading this now due to the uncontrollable vomiting caused by that last picture. I would say that I'm sorry, but I'm kind of a pecker. Cavaliers win tonight...