Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "You better click here because your favorite blogger is helping to interview a potential Playmate and by "help" I mean that I asked Rick to ask her a question for me" Edition.

***The P in MVP stands for Player and not Penetrator - So Kobe Bean Bryant wins the award for MVP. I can't really argue that point. I tried to earlier in the season, if you recall, but the guy was nails all year. There is going to be a bunch of people bitching about Chris Paul deserving to win it, and they have a point. But in the end, Kobe's team finished first in the West while the Hornets finished second so that is that. Both guys were directly responsible for their team's awesomeness. Kudos to Kobe for finally being recognized with that award. Finally, a trophy for Kobe that didn't involved a blood-stained cock and lawyer fees.

***Maybe he'll tell a joke about boats, or boating, or owning a boat - Chicago Bears darling, Cedric Benson, was picked up over the weekend on a stellar boating under the influence charge. Fantastic. Who does he think he is, Ohio politician (and idiot and McNugget father) Lynn Wachtmann??? He had to be subdued with pepper spray by the police. I'm sure that every Bears fan in the world was surprised about this. Not because he got arrested, but that it took pepper spray to bring him down. On the football field, Benson led the league last year in getting tackled by someone's breath. Man, he sucks. But I guess that I'd be on a bender too if I was going to lose my job to Matt Forte.

***With a performance like that, I'm guessing that he's the King of France - The Cavs/Celtics turdfest ended a few hours ago. It has to go down in history as one of the worst playoff games ever. Seriously, if you were like me and stuck with it in it's entirety, I'm impressed. Because they set the game of basketball back 30 years. LeBron flat out sucked. Ashton Kutcher's career thought that LeBron sucked. If he does ANYTHING on offense, the Cavs win by 6-8 points...at least! Instead, the wine and gold lose a game that they should have stolen. Everyone else played sort of decent, but the King dropped by the ball tonight (that's a pun to commemorate his stellar 9 turnovers and missed lay-up in the final minute!!!). That loss is on you and you alone. Get your shit together LeBron. 2 for 18??? 2 for 18!!! George W. Bush's approval rating is the only thing shittier than your shooting. AHHHHH, it's just too frustrating.

***Not only does he fear playoff success, you can also add placenta - I've long said that YES is the worst network of all time. I'm a Yankees fan and even I don't care about all the crappy programming that they feature. And don't get me started on Michael Kay...I can't wait for the day that he gets arrested for kiddie porn. Anyway, on this weeks episode of YESterdays (nice name), Cynthia Rodriguez admitted to the world that A-Rod passed out during the birth of their first daughter. That is hilarious. Just picture that for a second, the best player in baseball fainting in the delivery room. You just can't make that stuff up. I wonder if he soiled himself...I've seen him do it before but it was after missing twenty straight Fausto Carmona sinkers. But in A-Rod's defense, you would probably be tired, too, if you did all of those shirtless sit-ups in Central Park.

***Call me crazy, but I'm thinking that he didn't remember how to pitch in the bullpen - Well, that was short. The Giants, trying to solidify their title of worst team in baseball, have moved Barry Zito back into the starting rotation. Hmmm, they made a big deal about sending him to the 'pen yet he's back already? Are we really supposed to believe that he has figured everything out? I doubt it. Man, he sucks...everyday of his life is like LeBron James' performance in game 1 vs. the Celtics. Every single day. There has never been a worse signing in all of sorts than Mr. Zito (maybe Marbury). I'm thinking that Giants fans would rather see Barry Williams on the bump over Zito at this point. I'm just going to go out on a limb and guess that Greg Brady isn't doing anything right now so I'm sure he's available if needed.

***An early nomination for dumbest athlete of the year - Let's give it up for Ryan Perrilloux!!! He's been kicked off the defending national champions by Les "The Hat" Miles for pretty much breaking every rule known to man. It's pathetic when someone with that kind of talent throws it all away based on their own shitty decision-making. But it needed to be done. I find it funny that in that region of the country, where millions of people would kill to be a starting QB in the SEC ,yet it was not a big priority for Perrilloux. I don't know where he will end up playing, but I hear that Pacman Jones is looking for a roommate. Same with Maurice Clarett...hope you like Toledo, Ryan!

***Can you blame her, Johan Santana struck out 10 in his last start - Loyal reader, Burgei, pointed this out in the comments the other day before I had even seen it. It's time to address the topic. A female Yankees fan was arrested for running over a Red Sox fan with her car outside of a New Hampshire bar (I'm guessing that she was drunk on maple syrup and boredom). The Red Sox fan died. I laugh. Talk about a rivalry! Say what you want to about any other rivalry in the American sports scene, but you usually don't have homicides involved...except for this one. I really have no problem with this though, I'm feeling her pain, too. We Yankees fans are on the edge of our seats now that Kei Igawa is coming back to the bigs and Joba is giving up dingers to some fag with a beard. I think I'm going to go run down LeBron James with my car.

That's it for today...I'm still pissed about that game. God dammit! At least the Boss is bringing in coffee today...hopefully she puts urine in it like I asked her to do.


J Beanie said...

I'm actually surprised it took pepper spray to get Benson down. Seems excessive. I would have thought a gentle pat on the back would have done the trick. He must have been really fighting for those extra yards.

Don't short change our king. He had 10 turnovers. Yes, it was horrible basketball by both teams but that didn't really bother me. It was still fun to watch. Well, frustratingly fun. Damn. They really should have won.

Anonymous said...

The thing about A-Rod....is that it makes perfect sense that he woudl pass out while his wife is giving birth. He sucks when the pressure is on in the playoffs...so why believe he can stick out a child birth? GM's should ask the wives of every player that has kids whether or not their husband passed out during the birth of the child. There is a 100% correlation between A-Rod's pass out and him blowing in the playoffs.

I also love that in that article he talks about how he picked up his wife....he went up to her in the gym and asked if she wanted to work on her abs with him. That is such a fucking douche-bag thing to do. I am so glad that I am not forced to root for that schmuck of a man.


GMoney said...

Drew, that entire interview/article was bizarre. I think that these two are the weirdest, most self-involved people on the planet.

Based on your theory, what the hell would Barry Zito do in a delivery room?

Anonymous said...

Zito would probably go into the wrong delivery room and watch the wrong woman give birth.

I'm not sure Zito's suckiness is a result of the money paid to him/pressure. Remember when he signed that contract and the talk of spring training was how he was trying to change his wind up? I think he's just a complete moron.

Maybe there should be a scale for this...

Some people are so dumb in big situations that they would go into the wrong delivery room for their own child's birth -- Barry Zito, Chris Webber, Leon Lett

Some people can't handle pressure at all and will pass out during their child's birth -- A-Rod, John Cooper

Some people don't feel pressure and would actually deliver the baby themselves because they know at that time that they won't fuck it up, but maybe teh doctor will -- Tiger Woods, Steve Yzerman, Derek Jeter

Tony B. said...

The A-Rod story is one of my favorites that has come out recently.

Nice job on the comments today. Beanie's line about Benson fighting for extra yards was awesome.

What about a clutch women's golfer or tennis player that would deliver her own baby?

Defendthyself said...

This is a really interesting story that makes us aware of a few different points and a debate regarding Pepper Shot Pepper Spray that these weapons has become common even for police also as you have shown in your blog how the police has caught the bear killer Cedric Benson by spraying the spray.