Wednesday, May 14, 2008

GMoney's List: Baseball

In case you are new here, I'm quite the pessimist. I hate more than I love for you idiots out there that don't understand big words. Anyway, we're going to be doing a sporadic mini-series here where I list the people that I hate. Novel idea, huh? Well, fuck you, start your own blog that rules.

This is going to be an awful lot like Schindler's List except that it won't be nearly as funny and have much more gratuitous dick shots. Today, I run off my list of baseball players that I loathe (Disclaimer, my Yankee bias is going to show here, deal with it. It's not like I'm going to be watching them in October this year so let me have my fun). It's a pretty extensive list even after I trimmed away the guys that I just dislike. Yes, I hate this many baseball players. I'm reserving myself to only one sentence per player to describe why I hate them. Because honestly, I could write a book on why I despise these guys. Let's get this started (in no particular order)...

Cal Ripken - He's just a great big phony who hurt his team by being selfish and was not deserving to be an almost unanimous hall of famer (go ahead and try to argue this with me).

Kenny Rogers - The Gambler acts like a moron on and off the field and has resulted to cheating.

The Giles Brothers - They've both sucked since Bud Selig took the juice out of baseball...coincidence???

Kevin Millar - My least favorite player ever; coined the dumbass phrase "Cowboy Up".

Justin Verlander - White Trash and proving this year that he's not an ace.

Omar Vizquel - I just laugh when people say that he's a hall of, he isn't and he always made routine plays look more difficult than they were.

Eric Byrnes - Look at me, I'm a punk-rocking baseball player; I listen to Avril Lavigne!!!

Gary Sheffield - The ultimate clubhouse cancer who enjoys running his mouth about his former teammates/coaches.

Arthur Rhodes - I didn't even know he was still in the league but my hatred still burns strong.

Curt Schilling - When you paint your sock red, you know that you suck balls...I'm sure that he'll show up today and comment again but I'll be quick to chase him away (he's also the worst blogger ever).

Luis Gonzalez - Game 7 of the 2001 World Series...nice rip.

Adam Kennedy - This guy, along with David Eckstein, looks like a dork who always tags along with bigger groups eventhough no one asked them to join.

Jason Varitek - The "Captain" has never been anything more than average and to give him that "C" is a fucking joke.

Darin Erstad - He looks like a shithead and he used to punt at Nebraska...easily hateable.

Eric Hinske - How this guy is still in the league with absolutely no skill at all is beyond me.

Dustin Pedroia - The face for the young wave of giant douche Red Sox players; I call him Goat Fucker.

Torii Hunter - I've always felt that he's the most overrated player in baseball; Web Gems don't make players great.

Frank Catalanotto - How is this scrub still in baseball, he looks like a gay pilot (I don't know what that means but I'm sticking with it).

Kevin Youkilis - Pushing Millar as my least favorite today, I find it funny that he thinks he's a tough guy (how tough are you on Yom Kippur, asshole).

Derek Lowe - You don't need to put an entire can of grease on your hair every time you pitch.

Gregg Zaun - Just one of those guys that's hung around the league for years that you know will write a tell-all book once he retires.

AJ Pierzynski - Do I even need to go into this? He's on everyone's list...including his parents'.

Andruw Jones - To me, this guy has always sucked and plays as if he doesn't really care.

John McDonald - A true grinder but looks like a guy that would size up his teammates in the shower.

Carlos Zambrano - The most immature player in's called "bad breaks" and they are going to happen, deal with them.

Craig Counsell - He just looks like a giant penis; how is he still being paid to play at age 37 when he has never been decent?

Ronnie Belliard - If he can play, I know I can play; we have the same range in the field.

Jason Giambi - I've got 23+ million reasons why I hate this guy.

Paul Byrd - Byrd eats his and other people's boogers and has not admitted to taking HGH for professional a man, no one is buying the medical bullshit.

Pedro Martinez - I just don't know how anyone can like this guy; he's made a living out of head-hunting and hanging out with midgets.

Jhonny Peralta - Mr. Cheap Hit has hit about 3 balls hard in the last 2 seasons.

Jason Michaels - He looks more like a crappy professional wrestler than a baseball player; he will be night manager of a Denny's soon.

Grady Sizemore - Currently, an incredibly overrated "star" but in Ohio, no one will admit it. Guys named Grady should be running junkyards and not playing CF.

David Wright - Fucking pretty boy bitch.

Whew, that was long but I do feel better about myself. And in the end, that is the main goal of this self-esteem to rise to astronomical levels. Stay tuned in the coming weeks as I will be unleashing my anger at the football, basketball, and other sports players of the world. Did I leave anyone out or do you have someone that can go fuck themselves, let's talk in the comments.


Tony B. said...

I agree with most of the list, but Eric Byrnes? That guy is one of the coolest guys in baseball. He's consistently very candid and does great talk radio in the Bay Area during the off-season. Plus, he always hustles his ass off.

Was this list limited to players because I'm pretty sure Tony LaRussa should be on everyone's list. Maybe you were asleep at the wheel- wait, that was LaRussa at 4 in the morning after a night of drinking.

Anonymous said...

I knew you loved me! I'm still raking in the dough too...come over and we can drink some mantinis tonight.


Carl Pavano

Anonymous said...

How an asshole, like G$, can hate on Kenny Rogers is beyond me...He beat a camera guy's ass, poured champaigne on a cop's head, and pitches with a clump of dirt on his hand. He's an assole, so how could you hate him!?

I guess it's probably that gem he pitched in the '06 playoffs against the Skanks.

You could have also included TV/Radio announcers.. The Whitesox TV crew is annoying (especially if your team is playing them)...and the worst I've ever heard are the Indians TV guys on STO. Lines like "that one's off to SOUVANIR CITY" are gay as aids, and they don't try to hide their man crush of Grady Sizemore. I don't even think Indians fans like them.


Tony B. said...

The White Sox announcers are fucking awful. Put that one on the booooooard- YES!

Anonymous said...

I have to add my White Sox flavor to the message board with Frank Thomas being the biggest fuck in MLB. The biggest ego in baseball and he has never taken a pitch that wasn't a ball (proof of that last night when he bitched about being rung up on a ball right down the middle). Overweight, overrated, and just a dick. And Dut....Sox fan's don't like those moron annoncers on WGN either. Sox radio guys are the best in the business though.


Anonymous said...

Dut, learn how to spell "souvenir"

GMoney said...

Ha! Way to stick it to Dut on his spelling!

I'll probably include another one of these for announcers as well. FYI though, I actually like the STO guys.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'd add Kyle Fransworth to the list and if we are talking announcers Michael Kay, John Sterling, and Suzyn Waldman need to top the list. I love the Yankees but hate their announcers. tv and radio.

Anonymous said...

Dut, I know the STO guys are no Rod Allen and Mario whatever his last name is, but they do their best. If Sheffield took a dump at home plate, they would admire how perfect it was.

As for the list, I think there should be more Indians on the list. I don't think you have enough of them on there. Jhonny P. owns the Yanks.

I know becuse he is a Yankee he would never make the list, but Paul O'Neill has to be the biggest douche in the history of sports. He would challenge Zambrano as the most immature player if he was still playing. His temper tantrums every time he made an out/had a strike called on him really made him look terrible.

Hopefully there is not as much venom in your response like yesterday. This blog has been lacking ever since I stopped commenting as much so you should be grateful for my presence.


Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous guy...I looked up "souvenir" on google and I still spelled it wrong, so eat shit!


rock said...

Showing my own Yankees bias, I have to second the Kevin Yousuckus selection. His very existence makes me want to chuck hand grenades at his parents. He is the reigning king of whining in baseball. A regular Tim Duncan of MLB. And he may be a Yankee, but Mike Mussina will always be near the top of my hate list. I thought it was funny when he called out A-Rod a year or two ago and remember thinking that with Mussina and Farnsworth on the team Rodriguez would never be the least popular Yankee.

GMoney said...

Damman, I do miss your comments that seem to come about 10 minutes after I posted.

Paul O'Neill is a titan of the sport. But he let Kramer down by not hitting those dingers.