Thursday, May 22, 2008

A Brand New Form Of Child Abuse



So I'm flipping through the channels the other night and stopped on STO's broadcast of another Indians loss, when I saw something that made me cringe more than a geriatric porno. In between innings, a commercial aired that shook me to the very core. Because, you know, there are many things that kids should fear these days with all the pedophiles running around trying to get into their tighty whities and whatnot. One thing that shouldn't be a concern for them is football. Well, you can forget about that. If you know a kid between the ages of 7 and 14 who plans on spending July 18-20 in North Olmsted, Ohio, you should immediately alert the authorities. Why, you ask?

The Old Spice Kellen Winslow Football Camp

You've got to be an extremely awful parent to send your son to this. Why not just take your son to a tattoo parlor and enlist him into our current President's military system while you're at it? It's not nearly as bad as wanting your kid to look up to "the soldier", it's much safer, and will result in a lot less crying.

Fortunately for us, I located a copy of day one's itinerary straight from the desk of Kellen Winslow, Jr.

9:30-9:45 - Stretching
9:45-10:00 - Instruction from camp instructors on how to scream at people
10:15-10:30 - More media relations, more focus on apologizing
10:30-11:00 - Selecting an agent and the art of holding out
11:00-11:30 - Motorcycle tricks
11:30-noon - Learn how to cheap shot an opponent when his back is turned
Noon-12:15 - A listing of good surgeons and rehab facilities
12:15-12:29 - Autographs and more wheelies
12:30 - Get these little fuckers out of my sight

Wow. I didn't think that Browns fans could get any dumber but you know damn well that that camp will be sold out. I feel for these kids, I really do. They have no idea what they're gettinginto and K2 will likely crush their little hopes and dreams of ever wanting to play football again. May God have mercy on the souls of these youngsters.

I'm out until Tuesday, enjoy the long ass weekend. UPDATE...fellow blogger and current assbutt, J-Beanie, hit a hole-in-one yesterday. Click here to read all about it.

95 comments:

rstiles said...

I love the 12:30 session....LOL

J Beanie said...

Without reading it, I hate you.

J Beanie said...

After reading it, I still hate you, but...

When I first saw that commercial, I too couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe Winslow would agree to do this and I couldn't believe the Browns, or whoever sponsoring it would pick the "soldier." But I don't see K2 actually doing much. Maybe a little introduction to open camp and then closing remarks on the last day, sign a few autographs, take a few pictures and spend no more than an hour at camp.

Anonymous said...

I am damn good at basketball.

Sincerely,

Rodney Stuckey

Anonymous said...

Before you give Red Wings fans the middle finger again, read this article: http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/playoffs2008/columns/story?id=3405656

Games 1 and 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals are the same day and same exact time as Games 3 and 4 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals, all to be held in Detroit, along with a Tigers home series with the Twins, also at the same time. So, unless fans can be at three places at the same time, expect to see some empty seats again. This also happened when you gave the Wings the middle finger...all three sports had home series.

GSaul

Anonymous said...

The only place there will be empty seats at is at Comerica Park on Saturday. The Palace and Joe will both be packed. Stanley Cup Finals tickets went on sale at noon on Tuesday...only singles were available at 12:20 and then it was completely sold out a couple hours later.

It's going to be one intense night of two tv action viewing for this guy on Saturday.

--Drew

Matt said...

What am I missing that prompted these twits comments? Did you say something about Detroit while promoting K2's camp?

And where do I sign up? I just bought a bike with a customized 40 holder, and I figure I need K2 to teach me how to use it.

Upstate Underdog said...

I thought for sure the Kellen Winslow football camp was a joke. It must be sponsored by Bad Idea jeans.

Johnny Utah said...

which is worse, K2 camp or Chris Rix Passing Academy?

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