Thursday, May 15, 2008

Armageddon For Mike Brown

Let me say this first, I like Mike Brown. He's charismatic on the court. He's a class act. His playoff defensive schemes are top-notch. Losing to the Celtics in either 6 or 7 games is not an indictment of his poor coaching. No one thought that the Cavs would win this one anyway. But we have a problem here in Cleveland. You see, if the Cavs get bounced in this round, we are down to two seasons left before LeBron has the chance to leave and crush basketball in the state of Ohio forever. Like it or not, he's going to get shit-canned once the season ends (unless they get back to the Finals). LeBron isn't sticking around to play in Mike Brown's horribly awful offensive system. And the change needs to happen now. Wait another year with Coach Mike, you run the risk of Bron getting pissed. The players are there (don't listen to the experts, it isn't the players, it's the system in which they play) we just need a fresh start with our offense.

But, this point could all be moot if the Cavs win the next two games. So that's why The Money Shot is dedicating an entire post to Coach Mike Brown. Consider this a motivator, Coach, because you're going to need to coach your ass off the next two games. So to all my readers out there, enjoy Mike Brown Day.

HEY! Mr. Referee, get over here! I got my teeth cleaned today, see? No plaque. No tartar. No traces of the gum disease known as Gingivitis. What, you don't like? You're an anti-dentite.

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like,
its better than yours, damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge.
My hump, my lovely lady lumps.

Are you serious! Kevin's family left for the airport without him. His entire family? Even Buzz? And now the Wet Bandits are after him? And we're still not sure what's on that old guy with the shovel's agenda, right? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I need to explain something to you all. My defensive system can not be beaten. The only vulnerability it has is when a team features a center from the Virgin Islands, a guard from France, and a guard from somewhere in South America. That's it. And how many NBA teams can trot out a lineup like that??? There aren't any. There is no team in the league that can beat my defense.

Fellas, we're running Play #1. It's not hard. Bron, take the ball and hold onto it for 18 seconds. Now try to make a move 1 on 5. Come on, guys, it's the only play that I've installed! We should have this one down pat by now!

You have no idea how tasty this raspberry lip gloss is. My lips are so succulent right now. What? Oh, there's a timeout? Tell them to run Play #1 while I remoisten these bad boys. Wake me up when the game starts again.

Hey, hey you. Come over here. Dammit, I'm important and you need to help me out. Someone took my spit cup. You know, the cup that I spit in during every game. What? It's on the table behind me? Well, I'll be damned, that was the last place that I thought it would be. Thanks, Mr. Referee.

What's up, white bitches! I've got one ticket to the gun show for you. I also have no idea how to tell a shitty joke. But I can run a shitty offense. I've got three years of proof of that. I'm a little teapot, short and stout, ma-fucka!.

Yep, a loss tonight and my coaching throat in Cleveland will be officially cut. The pressure is on now. Not only would I be the reason that this team is sitting at home, but I will be playing a big part in the reason that The King will potentially leave. But I can do something about that. I've got to do something about that.

Coach Mike and the rest of the Cavs, Godspeed and good luck. I hope that when I come back to blogger on Sunday night, that I'm not writing your obituary. GO CAVALIERS!!!


Carolyn said...

Remoisten those bad boys? I'm going to laugh until I cry over that one.

GMoney said...

Holy shit, my first female reader!!!

jessegscott said...

G$, Mike Brown may be a great guy and all that, But Ive been saying it for a few years he is not a very good coach. It sounds like in your first statement of your blog you like him and his coaching and not to blame coaching for losing to Celtics. Then down on you say he needs to go cause his offensive coaching does not suit LeBron and your affraid that will send Bron Bron Packing. Well Which is it? I still don't think he has that great of team around him. But I do Blame Mike Brown. I hate his System it flat out sucks, and really sucks for LeBron.

J Beanie said...

Should have went after D'Antoni after Game 2.

Carolyn said...

J Beanie - I am ridiculously loyal to everyone on the Cavs roster, including Mike of the many eyeglasses. Then again, the thought of having the handsomest coach in the league in Cleveland gives me goose pimples. Do you think there's a 3 day clause like when you subscribe to 17 magazines because the lady had a nice voice? Is the ink dry?

GMoney said...

Jesse, I meant what I said. I think he is a decent coach and if we lose this series, it's because the other team was better.

But he isn't the right coach for this team. Gilbert's going to hire Avery Johnson...just watch.

Matt said...

What offensive coach is out there? Avery just runs isos all day. D'Antoni is taken. Pat Riley isn't walking through that door!

RedHawk1 said...

And Wally sits the entire 2nd half? I know he's been struggling and missed his first 3 shots, but come on. A proven shooter with playoff experience and he doesn't play the entire half?