Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Two More Reasons Not To Watch UPDATED!!!

The Mystery Box has been revealed...scroll down for your lover this evening.

I just finished watching the men's title game. It was fantastic, but we'll get to that tomorrow in the Hump. I would like to say that tonight was the first time I had ever seen the One Shining Moment video package. It was just as horrible as I thought it might be. But enough about the men...the men don't matter right now. Because tonight, the women take center stage in an epic battle between two great and exciting teams.

Now initially, I was going to scour through the rosters of Tennessee and Stanford to find some hot chicks and possibly give you at least some small reason to turn on the game. I mean, not all of us like lay ups and slow defense, right? Unfortunately, there was MAYBE one decent looking broad on both teams combined so that idea was thrown out the window. And why the fuck is Candace Parker wearing a long sleeve t-shirt under her jersey now? Is Shelden Williams beating her?

I digress. Instead, your favorite blog (you're reading it right now, aren't you) is going to hook you up with two more reasons why you shouldn't stop on this game when you're flipping through the channels tonight. I will have it on because of the three tv setup and my propensity to love everything that gay women love. That being said, you shouldn't and after this post, I know you wouldn't even think about it.

So, I'm giving you three options today. Since all my readers are male anyway, needless to say, this one is for you guys. Here's the deal: I have a gun. I'm holding it to your head. You know from all the angst that I unleash here that I would not be afraid to use it. Your job is simple. You have to pick one of three to bang. The lights are on. You have to look at them. I will be videotaping. And you aren't allowed to choose death. You have to pick. Choose wisely. Please select one:

Tennessee Head Coach Pat Summitt - Not very tasty at all but she is single now. In fact, I was one of the first bloggers to be on this story and even got it linked proudly over at With Leather. But back to this bull dyke, one of the many potential drawbacks is that she has a penis and isn't afraid to use it. Another problem may be that Bruce Pearl has been there and done that. Once your "mission" is complete, she would likely rip your manhood off and eat it but it's better than a bullet to the brain with me laughing maniacally, right?

Or Stanford Head Coach Tara VanderVeer - I think she's openly gay but she said she'd toss my readers a pity fuck for the sake of the blog. So we've got that going for us. When I was going through Stanford's roster for hot chicks and coming up empty handed, I saw the name Tara and immediately thought that there was a chance. There wasn't. Now, I can understand someone named Pat being disgusting. There has never been an attractive Pat (even Strut). But, as a guy, when you hear the name Tara, I'm thinking there's a 90% chance of attractiveness there. Not at Stanford apparently. She looks like a high school Biology teacher.

Or you can choose...The Mystery Box - I will reveal the Hall Of Fame caliber ass later this afternoon. But do you risk the known for the potentially worse unknown? I mean, this is The Money Shot after all. I'm liable to have a picture of me slathered in gravy in there.

So make your pick in the comments. I'm interested to see how this falls out. But choose wisely because I wouldn't mind murdering all of you. Ha, I'm out until this afternoon when The Mystery Box's identity is revealed.

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you your Mystery Box dweller. You should have picked between the dykes. Honestly though, I hear he's a real PTP'er in the sack. Enjoy.


Upstate Underdog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Upstate Underdog said...

I'm fucking Pat Summit. I pretty sure she has a kid which increases the odds of her having a vagina. Damn you G$, I'm not willing to roll the dice on the mystery box.

Anonymous said...

I am with UU. The fact that she was married for quite awhile, and has a kid, makes her the safe bet here. The Stanford coach definitely has penis and the mystery box is too big of a risk.

I just wanted to point that your praising Billy Packer's announcing skills yesterday did not go unnoticed. I put that on par with rooting for Tyler Hansborough. Did you hear him last night? If he pointed out one more time that Kansas was in a box and one, I was going to blast my brains out. He said it like six straight times down the court, and then, as if he hadn't driven his point home yet, he had to diagram it on the telestrator. We get it, Billy!

Also, he made the statement that you cannot step off of the free throw line when shooting free throws or you will miss. What? Was I absent at Walt Behrman's basketball camp when they taught us that? What was he talking about?

I just wanted to point out that saying Billy Packer is a good announcer is just as bad, or worse, as rooting for Tyler Hansborough.


Anonymous said...

What the hell. I'll fuck the mystery box. Bring it on.


Matt said...

I'd follow in Bruce Pearl's footsteps and take Pat Summitt. Next stop on the sloppy seconds train, Erin Andrews.

J Beanie said...

Ummmm, do you really need a reason not to watching a women's basketball game?

I'll take mystery box. No way is it worse than Pat or Tara. Plus, some of my most fun times have come with mystery boxes, or at least with girls uglier than Pat and Tara.

stonybrown said...

Are the lights out when the Mystery Box saunters into the room?

I'm going Mystery Box...in the Mystery Mobile...with the Mystery Meat.

Anonymous said...

Although Pat Summit is undeniably a woman, because she has had a child, I still wouldn't put it past her to use a strap on in the process. Therefore, because the Stanford coach already has a dick and I certainly don't want to be shot in the head by G$, I would roll the dice and go with the mystery box, because of the least likelyhood of me getting fucked in the ass.

By the way, the first thing that popped into my head when you introduced the mystery box was a line of reasoning from Family Guy "The Mystery Box could be anything, It could even be Pat Summit"

- Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I don't like that it's taking so long for all of us mystery box fuckers to know what we are fucking. Bring it on G$.

-- Drew

GMoney said...

You asked for it...

J Beanie said...

At least I'd get to hear, "Awesome, baby!" about 843 times.

Upstate Underdog said...

winners, kind of = me, matt, and damman. I can't believe you guys trusted G$ with the mystery box.

stonybrown said...

Hey, he knows how to handle the Rock Babbbeeeee!

Anonymous said...

That's fine.I dont' even care if I'm taking or giving...bring it on BABY!


Tony B. said...

Quick note: Steve Phillips' WS predictions:

Mets 2-4
Tigers 0-7

G$, you need help from someone else for your predictions; maybe Harold Reynolds? He can grope girls and talk baseball simultaneously!

Anonymous said...