Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Reviewing Some Horrendous Predictions

The NBA regular season is finally over. Now that the also-rans are done, we can focus on the high intensity playoffs season that, at least on the surface, should be as solid as it's ever been as far as quality of play is concerned. But, we're going to take a look back today. A look back at my preseason predictions for how I thought that the NBA would play out this season. Follow along here as my prognostications were truly catastrophic. We'll start out with the varsity league, the Western Conference:

1. Lakers
My pick: Suns
--This isn't truly terrible until you realize that I didn't pick the Lakers to make the playoffs. Of course, I also didn't count on Memphis giving them their best player for what amounted to a rusty trombone.

2. Hornets
My pick: Spurs
--Again, I don't feel too bad about this one. The Spurs are more than capable of winning the West again if Balki Bartokomous is healthy. Don't forget about the deadly shooting of Cousin Larry either.

3. Spurs
My pick: Mavericks
--Dallas was burned this year with injuries and inconsistent play. That being said, they have no chance to win the West with Jason Kidd at the point. He can't freaking play anymore. That's right, I'm writing him off.

4. Rockets
My pick: Jazz
--Although they did surprise everyone with that gigantic 22 game winning streak this year, does anyone really believe that T-Mac is actually going to win a playoff series? I don't, I look forward to the choke and the subsequent press conference crocodile tears.

5. Jazz
My pick: Nuggets
--Team White Guy really blew it last night with their chance to secure home court advantage. I still expect them to pimp-slap T-Mac though. Denver is easily the most fun team to watch in the playoffs what with their ability to score 130 every night and also give up 150. Sprinkle in a little Melo DUI action to match Kobe the Rapist and I'm definitley intrigued by that series.

6. Suns
My pick: Rockets
--This is probably Shaq's last ride since apparently now he cares again and his body just can't take that kind of punishment. Opening the playoffs against the hated Spurs will definitely draw my interest.

7. Mavericks
My pick: Hornets
--I had a good feeling that they would break the playoff threshold this season but I didn't think that they would completely dominate the league. Good for them. CP3 is a force who will absolutely destroy Jason Kidd/Terry in the first round.

8. Nuggets
My pick: Warriors
--Ah, my lone miss out West. Damn you, Don Nelson, you were so awesome last year and decided to blow it down the stretch this year. Now go comb the crumbs out of Baron Davis's beard and come back ready to go next year.

Back East we go...

1. Celtics
My pick: Bulls
--You can go ahead and load up that tennis ball machine with boiled potatoes and start firing them into my ass any time now. What a God awful pick this was. The Bulls just quit this year...and not during the season either, they quit before the season even began. Nice call, ass. Luol Deng and Ben Gordon suck something fierce.

2. Pistons
My pick: Pistons
--Bitch betta have my money! I finally got one right. Whew, Team Ugly gets me up to the .100 level, or as I like to call it, .018 worse than Jason Giambi!!!

3. Magic
My pick: Cavaliers
--The Cavs finish in the 4 hole so I wasn't far off. I didn't have the Magic in the playoffs at all which tells me that I vastly underestimated Hedo Turkoglu's Ugly Efficiency. Never count out a team coached by a Ron Jeremy lookalike either. That was my biggest predicting downfall right there.

4. Cavaliers
My pick: wait for it...wait for it...the fucking Knicks
--This is what I said in October...
This is my big surprise team this year. Zeke is a front office train wreck but the guy can coach. Look at that front line!!! Curry, Randolph, D.Lee, Balkman…intimidating.
I don't think I could have possibly been more wrong. Someone shoot me. Who the fuck says things like that? I seriously hate myself today. I had faith in Isiah...and I have to live with that.

5. Wizards
My pick: Wizards
--I still can't believe I had the Knicks in the playoffs, and a home court advantage team to boot. Now that everyone is back healthy in DC, it's becoming a trendy pick for them to upset the Cavs. I don't think so, not the way DeShawn Stevenson has been running his mouth about Our King being overrated. And who the fuck is Stevenson to be saying this anyway? Bearded fuck better keep his mouf shut.

6. Raptors
My pick: Celtics
--I didn't have the Raptors in and I severely short-changed the C's. My preseason thoughts on Boston...
I just don’t see it. Between chemistry issues and Pierce and Allen’s injury bugs, I don’t see the Celts being THAT great.
Could've been worse though, I could have predicted them to finish behind the Knicks in their division. Hello, is this the Suicide Hotline? I also underestimated the sheer awesomeness of Scot Pollard.

7. 76ers
My pick: Heat
--Yep, my pick for the 7 seed ended up being one of the worst teams of all time. Let's go back again and read my genius thoughts...
I kind of like the Ricky Davis trade since I’ve always felt that Antoine Walker was the worst player in the league.
Whenever you think that any move bringing in Ricky Davis is a good move, you should just start watching the WNBA because you clearly know nothing about the men's game. Never, ever try to talk yourself into liking a Ricky Davis-led team.

8. Hawks
My pick: Nets
--The Nets should have been better than that. But since Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson are a couple of male gay's, they sit at home. Props to the Hawks for being the Celtics first round sacrificial lamb!

MVP - will go to Kobe, it should go to Chris Paul. I picked Our King who is a better player than both but disappeared too much down the stretch to win.
Coach - will go to Doc Rivers, should go to Byron Scott. I picked Scott Skiles who is currently emptying out the trash can at my cubicle.
Executive - will go to anyone not named Danny Ferry. My pick was that the award will go to anyone but Danny Ferry.
Rookie of the Year - will go to Kevin Durant, should go to Durant, and my pick was Durant.

As you can see, I know nothing about this sport. I guess you could say that I'm just like Ric Bucher except without the massive ego and queer soul patch. Ugh, the Knicks...this is going to haunt me for years. Oh well, life goes on (for now), I'll have my playoff predictions come Monday. Tomorrow, the OCP NFL Mock Draft!!!


J Beanie said...

Hmmm, let me guess. You're mock draft will have the Dolphins taking Malcolm Kelly. That would be a better pick than your Knicks in the playoffs.

Guess who's back!?!?!

GMoney said...

Oh, I'm well aware who's back...

Matt said...

Now where are the postseason predictions? I need to be the guy who goes against every pick you make.

Tony B. said...

I also thought the Bulls would be near the top this year- they are the most disappointing team in the league. I was mad for a second and then realized that the Bulls from the 90s have completely ruined my NBA enjoyment for the rest of my life. Oh, what's that? You won a NBA championship? Try winning 6.

I'd rather have a Cubs or Bears championship at this point. That's probably being a pretty shitty fan, but I don't like the NBA as much as I used to.

GMoney said...

Monday, Matt, patience...

J Beanie said...

So you're NBA Playoff picks are coming out after the first game in every series? Solid.

GMoney said...

You're damn right they are. I want to see the first games to get a better feel. If you would like, I could pull a queer move and take Friday and Monday off? Nah, only Jason Michaels fans do that.

Tony B. said...

Jason Michaels has fans?