The Middle Finger: Washington Wizards

You know, there are certain things in life that you just don't do. You don't dare OJ Simpson to kill your wife. You don't bet Mike Tyson that he won't eat your kids. You don't introduce your 15 year old daughter to Roger Clemens. You never start up a reality show and expect Barry Williams not to show up on the set. And you never talk smack about LeBron James. Especially when he doesn't even acknowledge you as a formidable competitor and your playoff track record is about as successful as the last century of baseball for the Chicago Cubs. But enough is enough. This was already getting old and now it's just pathetic. What's wrong with just being a professional? Why the need to be a massive douche that the public will surely hate? How can a person be so dumb? This one was easy.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the thug squad known as the Washington Wizards.

OK, we all know that I'm a big fan of the Cavaliers. But I'm going to try to set that aside today just to focus on how big of a joke the Wiz are. If you haven't been able to tell, Eddie Jordan has no control over the team. Why there hasn't been a team-wide gag order enforced is something that I want to know. Because every single time there is a microphone in front of their faces, they embarrass themselves, the team, the league, and the sport.

I'm not going to talk about the rap analogies, either. We've all heard about it. Hell, Mike Tirico even explained the comparisons on Sunday (which was great because he asked Hubie Brown for his thoughts and his remark was about how he loved jazz music). To sum things up though: LeBron James is Jay-Z, DeShawn Stevenson is Soulja Boy, and I would guess that Brendan Haywood would be Skee-Lo. You know, because he wishes that he was a baller. He wishes that he had a girl who looked good, he would call her.

But let's just go down my list for reasons as to why the Wizards are an ungodly hateable team. It isn't hard, but let's look anyway. Seriously, outside of DC, there is no way that anyone could root for this team. They have almost no redeemable qualities. This truly is a Who's Who of human crap. Shall we...

Gilbert Arenas - He enjoys giving himself nicknames which is about the most pathetic thing a man can do other than watching a Hugh Grant movie. He thinks he's a superstar (just ask him) even though he repeatedly chokes in big spots.

Caron Butler - His nickname is "Tough Juice". I don't even know what that could possibly mean. It may have something to do with his 15 arrests before he turned 15 years old. I don't know though, afterall, I've never been arrested even once. It hasn't been that hard, Caron.

Antonio Daniels - Played his college ball at Bowling Green and we all hate them...especially Dut.



Brendan Haywood - Apparently, someone has been giving him some horrible advice. For some unknown reason, he has turned into a dirty scumbag this postseason. My evidence is the ejection in game 2 and his screaming shit everytime he scores. And then there is the great quote from yesterday:
"Awww," Haywood said, in a whiny, high-pitched voice to mock James. "They are trying to hurt me. I mean come on man, this is the playoffs," Haywood said following Monday's practice. "He wears 23, he wants to be Michael Jordan, I can respect that, he's a great player. You saw what Mike went through. Mike got fouled way worse than this. No one is trying to hurt him, everybody is trying to play basketball, trying to play tough. Play basketball and leave it alone."
Are you fucking serious, Brendan? YOU are calling the best player in basketball a baby? Have you not learned anything from the first 4 games? When you run your mouth about LeBron James, he has a tendency to stick those words up your ass. It's funny that he's calling The King a bitch considering that he (Haywood) is one of the worst players in basketball and the only good thing that the announcers say about him is that he's improved his free-throw shooting. This just in, you ARE trying to hurt him. YOU personally tried to hurt him in game 2 with that double forearm shiver into the cameramen. We've all seen it, you fuck! You aren't playing basketball, Brendan Haywood, you are trying to be the next Rick Mahorn. The problem is, Rick Mahorn was actually useful.

DeShawn Stevenson - Ah yes, Soulja Boy. He has moved into the #1 slot on my least favorite athlete list (and it's a long list so you know he's doing something right). It's cute when he does that "I can't feel my face" schtick...well, it was cute...5 years ago when John Cena was doing it. You're ripping off a pro wrestler, you dick. And what the hell does "I can't feel my face" mean? I'm not up to speed on the current trendy lingo, is that phrase popular? Anyway, you can see it in his eyes that he wants to hurt somebody and that shit is dangerous. His "attempt" at the ball in game 4 when he ended up hitting Bron in the face was a fucking joke. I even read in a pro-Wizards blog yesterday that even if game 5 is going the Cavs way, that the Wiz are secretly afraid that Stevenson will do something dangerous to LeBron to "even the score". The NBA: Where Shitty Players Intentionally Try To Harm The League Happens. I'm sure David Stern would love to deal with that situation if it were to unfold like that; the face of the league being injured by a guy that should be in prison sharing a cell with The Duke from Major League.

How can you not hate these guys. They are nothing more than thugs. I really do think that they would rather hurt someone on the Cavaliers than win this series. The only players that show any emotion and desire about actually playing team basketball are Butler and Jamison. It's just too bad that the other egos on the team are rotting them from the inside. It is humorous that they are trying to start a rivalry though. The problem with that is that one team has to actually win to make a rivalry.



So enjoy your Middle Finger, Washington Wizards, and enjoy your last game of the season tomorrow. I will be happy to see you guys go away. It's one thing to be physical. It's a completely different story to try and become a reincarnation of the Bad Boys. You know, because the Bad Boys actually got out of the first round.

Go home, assbutts, your playoff stay was not short enough.