Monday, April 14, 2008
As I write this, the Yankees are on their way to getting back to .500. I'm actually looking forward to this season for some reason. Maybe it's because the expectations aren't that high and they are doing what they should have been doing for the past 8 years...going with youth. Either way, it's been a weird start to the year. Derek Jeter pulled a quad and just returned tonight. Johnny Damon still sucks. Wilson Betemit apparently can't see straight. Mike Mussina is pitching well while the young guys are struggling (although Kennedy is pitching well tonight). Baseball Jesus has not played to his MVP form yet. Kyle Farnsworth still hasn't been brutally murdered. Our catchers are banged up and we are starting a guy now that was cut by the Reds. The dumbass buried jersey has been unearthed. You know, business as usual in the Bronx. But there is one constant that I don't see changing all season. Yes, I fully expect one guy to be as shitty at the end of the season as he is now. He seems like a pretty likeable guy and all but when it comes down to it, he's just a waste of a uniform.
This week's Middle Finger goes straight to the fragile ego and juiced-up carcass of Jason Giambi.
Jason took steroids. He pretty much (but not really) admitted to that. He cashed in on his steroid abuse by signing a gigantic contract with the Yankees. He never lived up to the expectations. After a few years of being booed everywhere the Yankees went, everyone has pretty much forgotten about him. And why has his scandal been forgotten? Because now that he's clean, you can pencil him in for an 0-3, 1 BB game every single freaking night. He fucking sucks.
The Giambino came into camp this Spring in the best shape of his life and things were supposed to change. The results so far are quite impressive. He's hitting a mean .107 with 2 homers and 4 RBI. Now, when you take away the two at-bats off of Mike Timlin (2 AB, 2 HR), Giambi is rocking a solid 1 for 26 season. For you math wizards, that is a .038 batting average or as I like to call it, a performance that your average homeless vagabond could duplicate. And at least you would only have to pay the vagrant off with a ham sandwich and a bottle Admiral Nelson's diarrhea-based rum.
Is Jason Giambi the worst player in baseball though? That is a very good question. When you factor in his 2008 salary (which thankfully comes off the books after this year), I think it's pretty fair to say that he is. He is pretty much the definition of a ZERO tool player. He doesn't hit for average or power, has no speed, can't play defense, and has no arm. He's pretty much the same player as Felix Fermin. The only other zero tool player that I can think of is Shannon Stewart and Giambi is waaaaay worse than he is. Maybe if he cut down on the teenage Asian hooker orgies, he could actually drive the ball once again. But don't bet on that, those Asian teenagers are a crafty bunch. Giambi sucks so much that I bet he couldn't even hit a game-winning home run off of Joe Borowski...and everybody does that.
The funny thing about this is that opposing defenses just give him the left side of the infield yet he has no idea what to do with that. It's like he sees the shift coming and thinks "8 guys on the right side of the infield, eh? Well, I'll show them! I'm going to fit the ball in the 2X2 foot box that they give me!" How much do you have to suck to not be able to take the ball to the opposite field? They actually tried to get him to do that a few years ago and he got so confused that he started showing up to home games wearing a unitard and calling himself "El Guapo Diablo". Seriously, this drives me freaking nuts. Other "shift" guys like Papi, Thome, and Hafner, they can poke it down the open side every once in awhile, but Giambi is clearly incapable of such action.
This should make you throw up...Jason Giambi is making 21 million this season. TWENTY ONE MILLION for a buck-o-seven. He is making 21 million per non-Mike Timlin based hit this year! Thanks, thanks a lot. And what is going on with his lip? Was he born with a cleft palate? Does anyone know the answer to this? T-Bone, you are a Bay Area baseball fan, care to help me out on that?
Basically what I'm trying to get at here is that the Yankees will be fine. I truly believe that. I expect everyone on the team to have their normal solid years. Except for The Giambino. I look forward to hearing him get boo'ed out of the Stadium in the next few weeks when he is sporting a sub-.100 average with the same 3 home runs that he has now. Well, unless he faces Mike Timlin again.
I couldn't be happier that this is his last season. He has been the poster child for the Yankees flawed business management over the past 8 years and it ends this October. But I need a little help from ya'll. I'm asking you, the reader, is there a worse player in baseball that I can't think of? I doubt it. And pitchers don't count, Tribe fans, because I know where you want to take this.
Enjoy your Middle Finger, Jason, maybe you can run it through your greasy hair after you hit another lazy pop-up to the second baseman, ya jerk.