Monday, April 14, 2008

The Middle Finger: Jason Giambi

As I write this, the Yankees are on their way to getting back to .500. I'm actually looking forward to this season for some reason. Maybe it's because the expectations aren't that high and they are doing what they should have been doing for the past 8 years...going with youth. Either way, it's been a weird start to the year. Derek Jeter pulled a quad and just returned tonight. Johnny Damon still sucks. Wilson Betemit apparently can't see straight. Mike Mussina is pitching well while the young guys are struggling (although Kennedy is pitching well tonight). Baseball Jesus has not played to his MVP form yet. Kyle Farnsworth still hasn't been brutally murdered. Our catchers are banged up and we are starting a guy now that was cut by the Reds. The dumbass buried jersey has been unearthed. You know, business as usual in the Bronx. But there is one constant that I don't see changing all season. Yes, I fully expect one guy to be as shitty at the end of the season as he is now. He seems like a pretty likeable guy and all but when it comes down to it, he's just a waste of a uniform.

This week's Middle Finger goes straight to the fragile ego and juiced-up carcass of Jason Giambi.

Jason took steroids. He pretty much (but not really) admitted to that. He cashed in on his steroid abuse by signing a gigantic contract with the Yankees. He never lived up to the expectations. After a few years of being booed everywhere the Yankees went, everyone has pretty much forgotten about him. And why has his scandal been forgotten? Because now that he's clean, you can pencil him in for an 0-3, 1 BB game every single freaking night. He fucking sucks.

The Giambino came into camp this Spring in the best shape of his life and things were supposed to change. The results so far are quite impressive. He's hitting a mean .107 with 2 homers and 4 RBI. Now, when you take away the two at-bats off of Mike Timlin (2 AB, 2 HR), Giambi is rocking a solid 1 for 26 season. For you math wizards, that is a .038 batting average or as I like to call it, a performance that your average homeless vagabond could duplicate. And at least you would only have to pay the vagrant off with a ham sandwich and a bottle Admiral Nelson's diarrhea-based rum.

Is Jason Giambi the worst player in baseball though? That is a very good question. When you factor in his 2008 salary (which thankfully comes off the books after this year), I think it's pretty fair to say that he is. He is pretty much the definition of a ZERO tool player. He doesn't hit for average or power, has no speed, can't play defense, and has no arm. He's pretty much the same player as Felix Fermin. The only other zero tool player that I can think of is Shannon Stewart and Giambi is waaaaay worse than he is. Maybe if he cut down on the teenage Asian hooker orgies, he could actually drive the ball once again. But don't bet on that, those Asian teenagers are a crafty bunch. Giambi sucks so much that I bet he couldn't even hit a game-winning home run off of Joe Borowski...and everybody does that.

The funny thing about this is that opposing defenses just give him the left side of the infield yet he has no idea what to do with that. It's like he sees the shift coming and thinks "8 guys on the right side of the infield, eh? Well, I'll show them! I'm going to fit the ball in the 2X2 foot box that they give me!" How much do you have to suck to not be able to take the ball to the opposite field? They actually tried to get him to do that a few years ago and he got so confused that he started showing up to home games wearing a unitard and calling himself "El Guapo Diablo". Seriously, this drives me freaking nuts. Other "shift" guys like Papi, Thome, and Hafner, they can poke it down the open side every once in awhile, but Giambi is clearly incapable of such action.

This should make you throw up...Jason Giambi is making 21 million this season. TWENTY ONE MILLION for a buck-o-seven. He is making 21 million per non-Mike Timlin based hit this year! Thanks, thanks a lot. And what is going on with his lip? Was he born with a cleft palate? Does anyone know the answer to this? T-Bone, you are a Bay Area baseball fan, care to help me out on that?

Basically what I'm trying to get at here is that the Yankees will be fine. I truly believe that. I expect everyone on the team to have their normal solid years. Except for The Giambino. I look forward to hearing him get boo'ed out of the Stadium in the next few weeks when he is sporting a sub-.100 average with the same 3 home runs that he has now. Well, unless he faces Mike Timlin again.

I couldn't be happier that this is his last season. He has been the poster child for the Yankees flawed business management over the past 8 years and it ends this October. But I need a little help from ya'll. I'm asking you, the reader, is there a worse player in baseball that I can't think of? I doubt it. And pitchers don't count, Tribe fans, because I know where you want to take this.

Enjoy your Middle Finger, Jason, maybe you can run it through your greasy hair after you hit another lazy pop-up to the second baseman, ya jerk.


World of Isaac said...

You know how they talk about steroids making a good player, great player a legend..etc, etc...

Anyways, I'm not entirely convinced Giambi was anything more than an average player without steroids....

J Beanie said...

Admiral Nelson is a great drink. Nothing better than cheap Captain Morgan.

Felix Fermin was a great player.

If Yankee fans are done with Giambi, there is a closer opening in Cleveland.

Tony B. said...

I'm not too sure he was born with a cleft palate, but I think the Yankees decided to pay Jason because they owed the Giambi family for Jeremy not sliding in the playoffs.

I do remember the year they started testing for 'roids (before he was caught) and he attributed his shrinking to "Not eating Del Taco and In-And-Out like all of us Californians always do." Yeah, like I can't find a better meal than that out here? C'mon Giambi, leave the rest of us out of this.

J Beanie said...

Oh, and I'm pretty sure anyone who plays left field for the Indians is worse than Giambi. Jason Michaels and David Dellucci make Giambi of 2008 look like Giambi of 2000.

Anonymous said...

The Yankees should bring back Billy Crystal to take Giambi's place. Maybe he would do better than 1-26.

On another note, even though we weren't supposed to mention Tribe pitchers. JoBo has given up 8 runs in 4 innings of work...for someone whose only job is to get 3 outs each outing and not give up runs in the process, this is deplorable. So if anyone has the ability to simply not leave hanging fastballs (with the speed of change-ups) high and over the middle of the plate, which lead rocketing multi-run homeruns in the 9th inning, the Tribe may have a spot for you.

Fuck JoBo

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Wow I never realized how bad Giambi has gotten. He wouldn't cut it on the Mudhens...seriously. He does always seem to hit bombs against the Tigers though. I think he would have been a good player even without steroids. Getting on them and then getting off them may have really messed him up. Who knows though.

How many games are the Indians relievers going to blow this year? What a shame...

Oh yeah..thanks to the Indians fans who texted me while the Tigers were getting their ass kicked last night. It makes the victory that much better.


Anonymous said...

Although, I do not believe that Adam Dunn is bad as Giambi. But, I think he carries very similar attributes. He is a terrible leftfielder (refuses to play firstbase, even I could play firstbase) no speed, hitting .167, and also cant hit to the opposite field against the shift (really pisses me off also).

But, I think he is ONLY getting paid 13 million for that "production". Also, ask your readheaded roomate who is a better SS Jeff Keppinger or Theriot.


Mez said...

I can't explain how excited I was to name a worse player than Jason Giambi...until you viciously "closed" (see what I'm gonna do here?) the door on my attempts by not allowing pitchers for Tribe fans.

Well played sir...well played.

J beanie does have a point on left field...and for all thats holy don't forget about Stacey Flake at the hot corner.