Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Masters Final Round Live Journal

I had a feeling that this would be a collosal waste of my did not disappoint my already low expectations. So let's get started, my first ever live journal...the final round of The Masters.

2:30 - The three tv setup in our living room is currently rocking with golf on the big screen, Cubs/Phillies on the medium, and the PBA Motel 6 Roll To Riches on the small. Should be a good day.

2:34 - Yep, the redheaded roommate is sporting his old-ass green blazer. It's like he's my own personal version of Chris know, but without the awful nicknames.

2:37 - Immelman and Snedeker start out with bogeys...double choke anyone???

2:52 - If you had 2:52 in your "when will Jim Nantz drop his patented 'Hello, Friends'" on us, you win!!! Nantz simultaneously unveils his pedophile smile as well.

2:53 - Congratulations to Parker Bohn III's mustache and Parker Bohn III on his Roll To Riches victory!

3:04 - Through 4 holes, Tiger looks off. He's missing putts and his driver is a bit sketchy...hopefully he can get it rolling and make this exciting.

3:05 - Holy shit! Sneds (that's what I'm calling him from now on) powers in an eagle putt on 2. He's lucky, if that doesn't go in, that's rolling off the green.

3:13 - Apparently, Pat Summerall is doing promos in and out of commercials. I could listen to him read the phone book.

3:20 - HA! The umpires just gave the Cubs a home run on a foul ball and Charlie Manual just sprinted out to argue. Now THAT was funny. My pick to win, Paul Casey, just double-bogeyed 4...ouch.

3:22 - Buke and I just agreed that with the way the wind is at Augusta today, whoever sucks less is going to win the green jacket. Not really the mark of a champion, but the least-shitty is winning this thing.

3:30 - Oooooo, Tiger's back with a birdie on 5!!! He must have just watched Tom Berenger's performance in The Junction Boys because "he ain't quittin'".

3:40 - Jim Nantz takes us back down memory lane to the 1967 Masters win by Gay Brewer. Is this actually a real golfer or is he throwing barbs at another Gay Brewer, Eric Gagne???

3:45 - I'm sticking with this lookalike...Steve Flesch looks like Principal Strickland from the Back To The Future movies. SLACKER!!!

3:57 - First Phil Mickelchoke joke of the day!!! He has some commercial about learning and it's sponsored by ExxonMobil. That's right, Phil fully supports dumping oil into the ocean and high gas prices. I told you that this guy was an asshole.

4:11 - I think I just got prank called. I couldn't hear what they were saying and the number didn't pop up on the caller ID though. Let me give you a piece of advice, if you are going to prank one of the greatest prank callers of all time, bring your fucking A-game, punks.

4:14 - Tiger can't birdie on par 5's today for some reason. Trevor Immelman is going to win this tournament.

4:22 - Pretty boy Sneds is choking. He should just change his name to Linda Lovelace. Also, remember the original Willy Wonka movie? Sneds looks like the kid that played Charlie Bucket.

4:30 - KAREN CORR ALERT!!! That's right, women's billiards just made the small screen. The 2007 Champion of Champions Tournament??? Sign me up. The Irish Invader is going to take the title home! Ewa Mattia Laurance is not having a good day as far as looks go.

4:32 - This is really fucking boring. I'm contemplating whether the action will pick up if I take my pants off. I'm going to keep them on...for now.

4:45 - I made my first joke about Jim Nantz...I didn't write it down but I'm sure it was hilarious.

4:48 - Another Tiger bogey...this sucks. Thanks for ruining my Sunday, Eldrick.

4:55 - The pre-round over/under for number of times that Red and I comment on how bad Vijay must smell was 5.5. We are currently at 4. Man, that guy even has stink-lines coming off of him.

5:07 - Jesus, first reference to the stupidly titled "Amen Corner". I hate that moniker. It sounds like the intersection that Jim Nantz goes to to get blown by a 12 year old chickenhead. Oh yeah, Phil-do just bogeyed again, he still sucks. He is a terrorist.

5:12 - Timeout, my weekly phone call with mom is taking place...

5:16 - Tiger just pours in about a million foot putt for birdie; my mom loses her hearing from my very loud "boo-yah".

5:28 - Uh oh, the day is likely over for Slacker Steve Flesch-Balloon as he's in the water on 12. It was a good run though.

5:33 - Phil-do finishes up his tournament with an even final round. Get out of my sights now, ya great big phony.

5:42 - HA-YUGE par save on 11 for T.I.(Immelman). He's going to have to channel Greg Norman to piss this one away.

5:44 - Immelman looks like Johnny Damon. That is a GREAT call. Editor's side note, Damman sent me a text saying this exact same thing around 10 pm...I had it called at 5:44. Suck it.

5:47 - Tiger on 13 with a short birdie putt...fucking terrible. His putter is about as bad as an episode of According To Jim today.

5:57 - I'm so bored that I have resorted to staring at the eerily awesome rack of The Irish Invader, Karen Corr. Please kill me.

5:58 - My notes just say that at this point, I thought that Tiger was done. I agree with myself.

6:05 - Sned's is in the drink on 13. I guess he didn't learn from that yesterday when he did the exact same thing. He's done. This is over, ladies and gents, T.I. is your champion.

6:08 - It feels like T.I. is up 10 strokes. I wonder if his wife is hot??? I have a feeling that we will be seeing her very soon.

6:13 - Sneds is the worst putter ever. He just missed a putt on 13 by at least a foot and a half to the right and he was only 5 feet away. I could have gotten that closer and I'm the World's Worst Putter. I am also the World's Worst Foosball player and World's Worst Beer Pong Player.

6:17 - Time to fire up the grill for some juicy Hillshire Farms Cheddarwurst...hopefully they will save the day.

6:24 - The only somewhat funny quote of the day courtesy of the awesome David Feherty, "Flesch is looking a little raggety." When I'm laughing at that, you know that the announcing was not terrible. I was hoping that it would be worse.

6:27 - The putting from everyone is horrid. Bring back Shooter McGavin. Sneds has bogied 8 of the first 13

6:43 - Please. Just. End. This is going to fuck with Big Brother tonight, I just know it. A-Baller will not be pleased.

6:50 - Maybe this isn't over yet. T.I. inexplicably fired one into the drink on 16...interesting.

6:54 - Tiger ends with a birdie and a -5 score. His putter lost the tourney for him this weekend. Just abysmal.

7:02 - Jim Nantz just made his 2,561st Gary Player reference. We get it, he's from South Africa. He also wore Larry David's jacket in the shitter. He's clearly an inconsiderate piece of shit.

7:06 - T.I. in the sand on 17! Wow, Tiger really isn't going to win this this way, is he? Ah, brilliant sand save from T.I. and it's all over but the butt rape.

7:14 - Jim Nantz is currently reading us the Trevor Immelman biography. It isn't very interesting. I mean, good for him for winning and getting the tumor out, but it's not like he spends his spare time killing the Irish. You know, something that we could all admire.

7:25 - Rock, Chalk, Champion!!! Trevor Immelman is your 2008 Masters Champion and I finally get off the couch a very disappointed man.

Ugh, that wore me out and it wasn't even fun. I'm not going to be doing these live journals that's too much work. But the cheddarwursts with mustard and jalapeno relish were dynamite. I'm out, time to scour the nets for some Karen Corr nude pics. I would also gladly take Trevor Immelman on the Yankees over Johnny Damon.


jessegscott said...

G$ - One of the GREATEST Blogs to date! Loved it. Had me rollin' in tears!

Karen Corr is a Dyke and she is Nasty!!!!!!

Wheres Jenette Lee when you need her?

Anonymous said...

No mention of my smoking hot blonde wife? I don't keep her around just to bang...that's a trophy that needs to be flaunted.

Show my bitch some love next time,


Anonymous said...

G$, I figured I would hear some sort of noise on the four day redundancy of commercials this week. I don't know about you, but I will be rooting for Phil next tourney while I fill up on Exxon gas, outsourcing my company to IBM, all while creating a moment with my new AT&T phone. I had to start pausing my DVR and then fast forwarding the commercials so I didn't have to watch them. What a terrible Masters!

-Jon Saul

J Beanie said...

More Karen Corr!!!!!!!!!!

She would have made those 8 foot birdie putts, unlike Tiger.

Anonymous said...

I think the best part of the Masters had to be the shots of Camarita at the end. She was most definetly hot. Also a bit amusing with tv trying to have a cute moment with the kid and the clubhouse but he kept crying his head off.

Trevor's sister also quite hot. If I were not married maybe thinking of a move to South Africa.


Tony B. said...

Lots of people like Tiger Woods, but he's not the champ! Woooo!

Mr. Ace said...


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