Inside The Bengals War Room

Let's be honest here, the Bengals are pretty much a joke. I think we can all agree that if they disappeared, no one would really care and Los Angeles would be moderately excited that they would once again not show up to support their team. But I had the chance this past weekend to take a behind the scenes look at Paul Brown Stadium, the home of the Bengals. And I was shocked. Contrary to popular belief, there are no jail cells in the locker room or uniformed guards outside of Marvin Lewis's office. No, it was a pretty normal place that was business as usual. And with yesterday's Chris Henry shenanigans and well-earned cutting as well as Chad Johnson continuing to be a massive douche, the Bengals appear to be ready to move on and field a team that the fans could actually be proud of for once.

During my one-on-one conversations with owner Mike Brown and Marvin Lewis, I asked a number of questions about the team. It was a pretty boring interview in all, but I was able to get some info about the Bengals draft board. Below are ten players that Lewis and Brown both showed a ton of interest in and I believe will be the new wave of exciting Cincinnati Bengals. It is highly unlikely that you will EVER see these player's names in the police blotter and that is exactly what the front office wants right now. In alphabetical order:

TCU WR Walter Bryant - Arrested this year for punching the shit out of his wife...it only took the TCU coach 6 days to suspend him. Potentially the next David Boston as long as he starts taking the date rape drug himself.

Louisville CB Rod Council - Kicked off the Cardinals team this past offseason for trying to rob a convenience store with an Uzi. I miss college. Apparently, things have changed though. When I was in school you could brandish semi-automatic weapons at church. My how times have changed.

Florida DE Jermaine Cunningham - He just wanted a packet of crisps! When the Jimmy John's employee reportedly told Cunningham that he had to pay for a bag of potato chips, Cunningham became “verbally abusive” and began throwing items, including empty soda cups and a sandwich, at the employee. It better not have been a Turkey Tom, Jermaine.

Iowa WR Dominique Douglas - Hey, I like a good hat just as much as the next guy, but I'm not sure I like them enough to give them the ol' Doug Gottlieb. Douglas made or attempted to make purchases from Hatworld, C&E Fashions and Sneakerhead using credit cards belonging to two separate victims. Atta boy, you won't need to do that when you're making NFL money.

New Hampshire Mr. Everything Henri Hendricks - Mr. Hendricks is going the Rick Vaughn/California Penal League route. He is currently behind bars for the murder of a professional surfer. You see that, Ray Lewis, do your own damn dirty work.

Texas RB James Henry - Another tough RB that gets things done. After a home invasion this year, Henry was taped on the phone saying he "went over there and whupped" one of the victims, throwing them on the ground and punching and kicking them in the head several times. That's a Marvin Lewis type attitude right there.



Empire State QB Anthony Merino - The Bengals are putting a lot more money in their scouting this year and they found this gem of a QB in the semi-pro leagues. Merrino (pictured) is best known for having sex with the corpse of a 92 year old dead woman at a New Jersey hospital. I'm not joking. If he's willing to throw it inside a dead broad, you've got to think he'll have no trouble throwing it to Tab Perry.

UMass DB Spencer Ridenhour - Ridenhour has been making the rounds this week for his recent arrest. Yes, he was booked for masturbating in his car, showing off his junk, and fondling asses at some random all-girl's college. You da man, Spence!!!

Penn State RB Austin Scott - Take it away, blotter..."The woman fell asleep with her clothes on but woke up with her jeans off and Scott trying to force himself on her, according to court papers. When she tried to get up, the papers say, he punched her in the kidney and pinned her down as he raped her... A probable cause affidavit says the Penn State running back told police "girls will say that they do not want to have sex with you, but then they get to your room," things heat up and they reconsider. She told police she woke up early Oct. 5 to find her jeans off and Scott was trying to have sex with her through her underwear. She started to sit up and felt what she believes was a punch to her back, by her right kidney... During intercourse, she said, she felt Scott holding her arms down with his hands. She said he was saying "really gross things." Your move, Odell Thurman. Oh, and yes, JoePa has a really nice program up there.

BYU Lineman Vic So'Oto - You can't blame Big Vic, no one likes to get wet. And if you have to serve a few days in jail and lose your scholarship for kicking in doors at apartments to see if you could find out who threw a water balloon at him, then so the fuck be it.

I don't know about you, but I really like the direction that this franchise is going in. Having a team full of thugs and douchebags wasn't working, so why not bring a boatload of high character guys to turn things around. And if you were nervous at all about making the voyage to Paul Brown Stadium on Sundays this fall, just don't pass out around Austin Scott or die around Anthony Merino. You'll be just fine.