Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "He thinks he's the Pope of Chili-Town" Edition.

***Reason #5,896 why Dan Snyder is a terrible owner - I admit it, he sucked me in. I was of the belief than Dan Snyder had changed his ways and was on the path to becoming a responsible owner in the NFL. I was wrong. But who do I have to thank for rejecting him? The Cincinnati Bengals AKA one of the two organizations dumber than the Redskins. Everyone knows that the Redskins need a WR, but really, Chad Johnson??? I'd rather exhume the corpse of Herman Moore than add that clubhouse cancer. Now, on the surface, if the Skins were going to use the 21st pick to take a WR, then I would be all for trading it for a proven, top flight WR. But once you figure in the performance-based chance that you would also include another first rounder next year? That's way too much to give up for a shithead. I mean Dallas is only offering a 6th rounder for a CB shithead, why would you give up 2 first rounders for the king of all dicks who thinks he's much better than he really is. I guess it worked out OK but I don't like hearing things like this coming out of the supposed new regime in DC. I may as well mention it again, fuck Chad Johnson. Good for Marvin Lewis, too. No, not for being a horrible football coach, but telling 85 to be a man of his word and sit out if he wants to. I like it. By the way, this is like the 5th week in a row that I've mentioned how much I hate the "Future Hall of Famer". He's starting to rival Derek Anderson as the focus of my football-related hate. For as much as I despise Snyder, though, at the end of the day I can still sit back and say "at least he's not Hank Steinbrenner".

***Well, the OCP Mock Draft got at least one pick right - One of my biggest pet peeves with the NFL Draft, actually it might be the only one, is when the team with the first pick announces that they've signed their choice before they are even on the clock. It's happened again. The Dolphins have apparently agreed in terms with Mount Jake Long to anchor their O-Line for the next decade. (HOLY SHIT! JASON GIAMBI JUST HOMERED!) This is probably the safest pick for the massively rebuilding fish. You have to think that Big Tuna wanted to go defense but the chance at bust was much greater there than with Jake Long. Kudos to you, Mr. Long, you decided to stay at UM for your Senior year so you could beat Ohio State, win a national title, and spend your career blocking for John Beck. Dreams really do come true!

***Why don't you just stay in your office and play Solitaire - Great story coming from the always hilarious Knicks organization: Isiah Thomas, still employed for some unknown reason, has been told not to speak to any of the players anymore. New GM Donnie Walsh doesn't want Zeke to influence/corrupt the guys any longer. Ummm, OK, if you look at the Knicks record the last two years, the one thing the team hasn't had an issue with is ignoring their coach. Basically, the Knicks are Initech, Walsh is Bill Lumberg, and Isiah is Milton. The only problem is that Zeke already blew up the company but he's still showing up to work. Clearly, Walsh needs to "fix the glitch". But this would all go away if they would just give Zeke back his stapler.

***I will shit on an entire city but not suspend a dirty thug - Complete bullshit. David Stern took time out of his busy day of dropping Taco Bell diarrhea on the entire city of Seattle to ignore Brendan Haywood's attempt on Our King's life and failed to suspend him for it. Hmmmm, it was obvious that he wasn't go for the ball and shoved a defenseless player into the cameramen. THAT doesn't warrant a one game suspension but Amare and Boris Diaw taking 3 steps on the court does??? Yeah, the NBA is fair. So I'm asking for Diggity Duane Jones to check himself in during the first quarter tomorrow and go all Last Boy Scout on Antawn Jamison. You know, run down the court, pull out a gun, and shoot him in the face. Worse comes to worse, he gets a flagrant two foul and sits for a game. Eye for an eye, bitch, eye for a fucking eye. Seriously though, if you can't see how much the Cavs and Wizards absolutely HATE each other, than obviously you don't read this blog enough because you have no idea what true hate really is.

***His batting average exchange rate was just not very good - It's time to weigh in on The Big Hurt fiasco. I actually side on behalf of the Blue Jays on this and wish that more teams would do this. If you suck, we're not going to keep sending you up to bat because of the money you make. Just go away and don't let the door hit you on the way out. Other teams should take this model of general managemanship; the Yankees should cut Giambi, the Tigers with Sheff, the Mets with Delgado, the Mariners with Sexson, etc. Just pay them and get them the hell out. You know what, I miss Barry. I would take him over Giambi anyday. We need Barry back in our lives. Baseball was more interesting with him around.

***So that must be Florida State's offseason workout program - I made light earlier as far as reasons why Dan Snyder is a moron, we can also say that this is reason #10,432 as to why Bobby Bowden needs to retire. WR Preston Parker was arrested this weekend for drugs and guns. This has to be the 50th arrest for a Seminoles player this offseason alone. Does Bobby Bowden even know who his players are anymore? Does he have any team rules? Does he wear Oops, I Crapped My Pants? These are the things we need to know. Because it's becoming painfully obvious that when you sign your letter of intent with the 'Noles, you're handed an 8 Ball and .45 and told to have a good time. And if you want to, stop by a practice, but that isn't your first priority as a Florida State football player, committing felonies is.

***Hill-Rod vs. Barry-O with special guest referee, Johnny Mac - Yes, I watched Monday Night Raw the other night just to see if the rumors were true. And yes, they were. Hill-Dog, Barack, and McCain all showed up for taped interviews to appeal to the vast voting demographic of pro-wrestling fans and the results were hysterical. Hillary said she would drop "The People's Elbow" if necessary, Barack chimed in with an "If you smell what Barack is cookin'" which was actually quite funny, and Old Man River stumbled his way through an "and that's the bottom line because John McCain said so". It was so bad, it was good. I had no idea that the Pennsylvania primary was SO important that these candidates would need to degrade themselves on a staged TV show that was live from South Carolina (not Pa.)...what do I know though, desperate times call for figure four leg locks.

And with that I'm out. I think that this Hump was a bit more joke-y than usual. Back tomorrow with some full frontal blogger nudity.


J Beanie said...

If Hank and Dan were to play each other on Mike Greenburg's game show Duel, who do you think would win? I think they'd both find a way to spend all 10 chips on one question and both get it wrong just like they do in free agency.

Oh, and I can't believe this didn't make the Hump. Your good friend Kosta Koufas is not returning to Ohio State. He will either go to the NBA or to play in Greece. My god how I hope it's Greece. I may actually not be referred to as a pile of puke in Greece.

saul hudson said...

G$, could I please get your email!!?? Thanks. And easy on Herman Moore who is, no doubt, alive and doing fine and was the second player in the NFL to have three seasons with 100 receptions. (I am sure Detroit fan "Dut" could have spewed that out for ya)

GMoney said...

Hey, I'm a Herman Moore fan, too. But I think his numbers a bit inflated due to his stellar QB's. You know, Scott Mitchell, Erik Kramer, and Rodney Peete somehow continue to be overlooked by the Hall of Fame.

graigbachman [at] yahoo [dot] com

I get enough spam mail which is why I don't post it anymore.

Tony B. said...

Just watched some of the Presidential WWE promos and you are right- so bad that they're good. I can't believe Barak didn't use "If you smell what Barak is cooking" as his campaign slogan.

Anonymous said...


Correction: I am a Tiger fan, not a Detroit fan. Everything else that comes out of Detroit is a bigger joke than Kosta Koufos playing in the NBA!

I did like Herman Moore when I was little though. Only because I got his autograph at a Detroit Lions meet the team thing. He only got all those receptions because of Brett Perriman (I think) on the other side getting double teamed..

G$- No mention of Boren transferring from UM to OSU?? Or Cabrera's career at 3b being over for the Tigers??