Wednesday, March 26, 2008
We're going to split this up into a two day affair. Today, you get my thoughts on the upcoming American League season. Obviously, tomorrow then you will be receiving my prediction on the AL's retarded brother, the National League. Much like last year when I brought former Indians manager, Lou Brown, in to help with my previews, this year I'm enlisting the help of someone a lot less awesome. Yes, joining me for the next two days will be none other than former Mets GM and current ESPN talking-head, Steve Phillips. Steve's ready so let's get down to the predictions. And remember, if you don't like these, new Yankees manager, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, will take your ass to court. When it comes to 2008 baseball, he is not just a simple caveman, he understands our ways. Let's roll, let the blasting commence...
1. Yankees - Yeah, like this pick is fooling anyone, there is a ton of bias here. But I like the direction in which this team is headed. With new skipper Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Girardi, the Yanks should be playing more station-to-station baseball. I like it. The young guns are a bit of a question mark, but they've thrown well all Spring so we'll see. Steve, what are your thoughts on the Yankees?
--I hate them. I have never said one good thing about this franchise ever. I carry my personal biases around still and let them seep out on the air. The Mets rule! The Yankees drool!
2. Red Sox - Yes, they won it all last year in a World Series that no one watched. But they are already breaking down in the rotation and I expect a step backwards this season. Kevin Youkilis is now my least favorite player in baseball since Curt Schilling is on the shelf and Kevin Millar has been killed (not true but should be). Thoughts on the Sox chances to repeat, Steve-O?
--I just tied my own shoes. Loop, swoop, and pull.
3. Blue Jays - I've picked them to finish ahead of the Red Sox every season for the last 3 years and they continue to disappoint. Fuck 'em. They have an intriguing lineup with Rios, Wells, Rolen, Big Hurt, etc. And you always have a chance with Professional Hitter Matt Stairs in the mix. BJ Ryan's uncertainty and AJ Burnett's wild inconsistencies will hamper them again. Steve, do the Jays have a chance to contend?
--I didn't draft anyone on their current 25 man roster so you better believe that they have a chance! Last year, Gary Thorne bought me a Happy Meal at the SkyDome McDonald's...I lost my toy though.
4. Rays - I would pick them over the Jays if they weren't such pussies and took the Devil out of their name. It will be interesting to see if Troy Percival's corpse can solidify the closer position. They have the talent to compete but they will be mediocre like all young teams are and finish with 75 wins tops. Steve, you've got to like what the Rays are doing with all that youth, right?
--My mom still makes me sit in a car seat and she's sleeping with a gay named Ray...I like him a lot. He bought me a milkshake last week.
5. Orioles - Ladies and gentleman, your frontrunner for worst team in baseball!!! They have some decent young players (Adam Jones) but their opening day starter is some guy named Jeremy Guthrie and their closer's name is George Sherrill. You would think that this team was run by Al Davis...well, Peter Angelos isn't that far off. Steve, the O's look like a team that you would approve of, seeing that you were a God awful GM, am I right or what?
--Oh, I love what they are doing in Baltimore. Giving money to crappy free agents and not investing into the farm system is a practice that I once perfected. It also helps when your owner has no vision at all. This is a great franchise.
1. Tigers - I went back and forth on this one actually. The Tigers will score a ton of runs and the starting rotation is pretty solid, but they also have no one in the pen that has shown any consistency at all. They will probably lead the league in longest games since the pen will be blowing leads left and right and the final scores will be 11-10 or 12-9. Even though he sucks, Todd Jones awesome facial hair puts them over the top. Steve, what do you like about the Tigers?
--EVERYTHING!!! As you can probably tell from my interviews, I make a point to let everyone know that I'm from Michigan!!! The Tigers rule!!! I am not biased at all but the Detroit Tigers are my second favorite team ever. Detroit!!! Yeah!!! Mets!!!
2. Indians - I'm going to get killed over this one, I already know it. Here's the thing, when you are a team that should have won the AL last year but just missed out, you should probably do something, ANYTHING, to improve yourself in the offseason to try and get over that hump. You can't just sit back and say, "oh, our young guys will all get a little better". Be proactive! Also, and the Tigers found this out last year, there's a big difference between being the hunter and the hunted. Sorry, Tribe fans, you get no October baseball this year. Steventud, what's your opinion on Grady Sizemore?
--Those lips are so succulent...I want to become friends with them. Editor's sidebar here - Is Sizemore black??? His hair is kind of nappy, does anyone know for sure?
3. White Sox - This will be the year that Ozzie Guillen's head explodes. Too much youth, not enough patience. I do think Josh Fields is a budding star. It's a damn shame that their rotation is garbage. Hey Phillips, can the White Sox contend?
--I sit down when I pee. I love it. I've tried to stand up when I poop...I am a complete and utter failure.
4. Twins - I honestly believe that the Twins might be the worst run franchise in baseball. I just can't understand what they are thinking. You let Santana walk for 15 cents on the dollar and then give a closer that you won't be needing much from over the next few years a 3 year extension??? Give me a break, enjoy the new stadium and the few people that show up to watch you play. I do think that Delmon Young is going to have a HUGE season this year though. But that is contingent on him not throwing bats at umpires. Stevey, what do you think about the way that the Twins do business?
--You know, I've often thought about that. But then my mind drifts over to the question about why anyone would employ me as an expert and that takes me away from what I was previously thinking about. It's a vicious cycle, much like the album by my favorite comedian, Dane Cook.
5. Royals - Poor Royals fans. You want a winner again and all you get in return is Gil Meche and Jose Guillen. At least you still have...hmmmm...sweltering summer heat? Jason Whitlock? Herm Edwards? Wow, Kansas Citians should be investing in cyanide. Steve, it could be said that the Royals are to baseball as you are to general managing, what do you think about that?
--I need an adult! I need an adult!
1. Mariners - I love the Mariners this year which likely means that they will win 70 games. But that being said, Bedard and King Felix are the best young one-two in baseball (sorry Tribe fans). You throw Ichiro in there with the halfway decent power threats in the middle and a good bullpen and you have a recipe for success. They need to get someone in the lineup over Brad Wilkerson who has been the worst player in baseball for the past 4 years. You like the Mariners this year, Steve?
--I like the Mets to win the AL West. Did I mention that I used to run that team into the ground?
2. Angels - I'm tired of these guys already. They bore me. A bunch of hit and run guys with very little power outside of Vlad. Torii Hunter is wildly overrated. John Lackey and his ugliest player in the game title is out for awhile. Scot Shields will likely pitch in all 162 games. I don't know, I think the M's are better. Steve, I bet you liked Angels in the Outfield?
--Are you kidding me, Danny Glover made me cry and I still have Tony Danza's autograph over my heart. I also enjoy old episodes of Touched By An Angel. I also enjoy it when Criss Angel touching my special regions.
3. A's - At 1-1, this is likely the closest they will be to a winning season all year. These guys are going to blow. Even if Dick Hardon stays healthy, they will struggle all year. It's time to take Eric Chavez back behind the woodshed and put him out of his misery. Huston Street is going to blow a lot of saves this year. Steve, what do you think of the A's and their likely suckiness?
--I want to go to a petting zoo and feed the horsies! I promise that I won't fellate any.
4. Rangers - I love the pairing of crackhead Josh Hamilton and should be a crackhead Milton Bradley with crackhead manager Ron Washington. These guys suck and it's not just a clever name. Is Sammy Sosa still on the Rangers? Steve? Steve? STEVE?
--Steve is taking a nap right now. Be quiet, don't wake him, he did too much thinking this morning and we need to revive him for tomorrow. But then, after Friday's post, we can go ahead and barbecue him.
How it shakes out in the postseason: The Tigers get the one seed and beat the Red Sox (wild card) in 4. The Yankees beat the Mariners in 5. In the ALCS, the Yankees beat the Tigers in 6 (to avoid a 3rd start from White Trash Verlander) to advance to the World Series. FYI, people that call the World Series "The Fall Classic" should be publicly caned. As a non-homer pick, I really like the Mariners...if the Yankees don't get there, you heard it here first that it will be Ichiro in the Series.
MVP - Ichiro
Rookie of the Year - no idea, Ian Kennedy??? Maybe Adam Jones or Henry Rowengardner
Manager - that guy in Seattle...some Irish fuck
Well there you go, those are my AL predictions for this upcoming season. Feel free to flame away. I'm sure the Indians fans will be stopping by often today displaying their hate. Steve the Retard and I will be back tomorrow to discuss the NL.